Life Viewed Through an Amber Focus

This week, I don't even know. First we find out that DH's father is going to have to have heart surgery in the next six months or he will die. Considering his last heart surgery left him in a nursing home for six weeks and he is the sole support of his household (just him and MIL, though they do help SIL as they can), this is going to be financially hard for them. Also, the type of surgery he needs will involve the part of the aorta that runs into the spinal column so there is a high chance of paralysis from the chest down because they have to pull it out some and the spine will be cut off from it's blood flow. The only doctors that routinely do this sort of surgery and have a high rate of not paralyzing their patients are in Texas and Minnesota. Nothing local.

So that will add in the expense of plane fare and hotel fare for MIL and of course food costs on top of not working. So expensive surgery in an expensive locale and possible paralysis versus do nothing and die within a year. And that's assuming FIL can even fly in this condition. At least he's got disability insurance and medical insurance. And some paid vacation. That will help. Hopefully it will be enough.

Second, because that can't possibly be enough, my mother got back the results of her MRI today. She's apparently had 2 mini-strokes in the past couple of months, which explains an awful lot about some of her memory lapses. They didn't seem like Alzheimers, which I've been through twice now with Dad and Grandma, and seen from the periphery with Chris' grandma years ago. There has been a general slow down in thinking. It takes longer but she gets there. So now I'm wondering just how much longer she is going to be around. I have always said she would outlive me out of sheer stubborness, but now I'm not so sure. She's 73. Maybe it'll come sooner than I thought.

I don't want to face the possibility of Mom being gone. It hasn't even been a year since Dad died, but I was prepared for that. I'm not at all prepared for Mom to die. Not at all. I'd like a time out from all this real life stuff. It feels like I'm drowning. I just want it all to be okay again.

I meant to post the next chapter of Vortex today, but we had so much to do. I canned a batch of apricot jam, picked several pints of raspberries which are now in the freezer awaiting being made into jam, picked blackberries and am just one pint short of a batch of jam (I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere) for those so they are also waiting in the freezer, picked several pints of blueberries (ditto in the frezer), picked green beans, and watered three different gardens.
( So much to do )

Thank you to everyone who offered prayers, thoughts and condolences on the death of my father. It has been a rough couple of days and I have spent most of it talking with my mother or when I can't bear it anymore with my nose buried in The Hunger Games trilogy. It provided a good distraction from real life for me when it just got to be too much to think about. I imagine the ending is considered to be quite controversial but I liked it. It fit.

My emotions are all over the place. I kind of resent the fact that my father didn't want to have a funeral or a memorial service. Those sorts of things are not for the dead, they are for the living, as a way of finding solace against grief. My mother doesn't want one either, but since I'll be in charge as her power of attorney in her later days, she may just get one anyway.

I have whole hours where I am okay and then I get hit by the loss and I leak tears and I wallow for a bit and then I get on with things. And then I realize I've gone a few hours without thinking about it at all, and then I get mad at myself for that.

The kids are doing all right. Rose is the one I expected to break down and she's being very strong. Tobias fell apart twice. Otherwise he seems like he is handling it okay. I need to call my MIL. I had Chris tell her on the day, but I couldn't bear to talk to anyone other than him on the phone so I haven't touched base in person. I couldn't handle the sympathy.

I had a hard time at physical therapy today. Not with the exercises, just, I had to keep swallowing back my emotions. I had an evaluation today and I've increased strength levels in all categories, my gait has improved (no trending to one side) and the speed at which I walk is faster. I get one more pool session and then I'm on dry land again. Most of the pain is gone, so that is a good step forward. I'm sitting at around a 2 on a scale of 1 to 10. When I started I was at an 8 so that's a pretty good improvement there.

It's ironic how life just goes on even when someone else is no longer living it anymore, isn't it?

Last night at midnight, my dad died. At least he's out of pain and is now in heaven. Thank you for your support last night. It really means a lot to me.

My dad always liked this poem by Mary Frye that my grandmother chose to have read at her own funeral. I have always found some comfort in it.

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am in a thousand winds that blow,
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight,
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there. I do not die.

Ch. 2 of It Lies Unwritten is off to beta. I will probably post it tomorrow. This is one of the weirdest fics I've ever written. I'd say weirdest but I think We Are Relentless might be just that little bit weirder. I am figuring out exactly how chapter five is going to go. I hope when I'm done with this fic I will be able to start working on one of the works in progress, preferably Leap of Faith or You're What?

( Other Stuff )

My mother tired to kill us no less than three times on the drive home from Seattle.  That Everett corridor is NASTY during rush hour.  One time we seriously only stopped within six feet of the car ahead of us and I'm pretty sure she wore off an entire year's worth of tire tread.  The drive down was uneventful.  I still have not been given the okay to drive.  Apparently almost fainting twice during one of the radiology procedures was a big no no.  Actually, they made me use a wheelchair when I was in the hospital.  We got there a bit early so went to eat in the cafeteria (I managed 1/3 of a turkey and havarti with mustard on whole wheat sandwich and a drink) and as we were coming out, I guess I lost all the color in my face and was hugging the wall, because a nurse saw me and told me not to move and she was getting me a wheelchair right then.  *sighs*  I guess I'm not up for a marathon yet, but I had no idea I was that bad.  It is a long way between the cafeteria and registration, but still.

( A Little TMI )

I'm really happy.  I actually got 2020 words written on Hunger Moon today.  I threw out most of what I had previously written on this chapter when I was still on Vicodin.  Didn't like it now that I'm off narcotics.  I think I may have a chapter ready by tomorrow or Wednesday.  DH is taking the kids in to dance tomorrow and I'm staying home, which means I'll have at the very least four hours, possibly five to write tomorrow uninterupted.  Oh, bliss.  I can't even remember the last time I had both the time and the inclination to write at the same time.  My goal is to finish this story by the end of the month so I really, really hope I can make some progress tomorrow.

( Knee talk )

Hey, ladies, and oh, the occassional male reader or two that wanders my way as well.  I am horribly behind on answering my comments and you know, me being me, that makes me feel kind of lousy.  I'm one for believing that if you take the time to tell me you like it, I oughta take the time to say thanks.  At the moment life has been kind of explodey, though.

( Major Whine )
If anybody has some cutsey Christmas fluffies, I could sure use some right about now. *bats eyes hopefully*