Sacrifice (6/6)
Aug. 6th, 2008 09:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amberfocus
A/N: This is the final chapter of this story. I am debating adding a gap story between the end of this one and the beginning of Defunct, but I'm not quite sure yet. If I do it'll be called Ashes and cover a bit of the time between the two stories. Tissue warning has been fairly issued. I used eight while writing it. Recognizable dialog comes from Journey's End. I hope this answers the last of the questions, plugs in the last of the holes and leaves you all with a bit of hope that the future left to Rose and the new Doctor can be a good one.
Chapter Six
~Brown~
He stares after Mickey in consternation as the man chases after Jack and Martha wondering just how this changes things. He’s always considered Mickey to be a major part of Rose’s support system and he wonders just how much more difficult it will make it for her not to have him there when he…when he leaves her behind. The Doctor swallows convulsively and heads back into the TARDIS and he tries very hard not to meet Rose’s eyes or Jackie’s, but his hand brushes across Jackie’s arm as he forces a false bounce into his step and circles the console.
“It’s time for one last trip,” he says and he is proud that he manages to keep the quaver out of his voice even if he can’t quite hide the resignation. Donna looks as if she wants to say something to him, but can’t and he swallows against the irony of Donna speechless. “Darlig ulv Stranden,” he says and sees the eyes of his twin turn on him, a slight flaring of anger behind eyes he is used to seeing only in a mirror. His gaze skitters across a glance he can not hold. “Better known as Bad Wolf Bay.”
He feels soft fingers creeping into his and knows Rose is looking at him in addition to the touch, he can feel her eyes on him, but he hardens himself, not able to bear looking into her eyes when he feels he is betraying his love for her. He wishes desperately that events could play out differently, that he could be selfish, that he could keep Rose with him in a shallow version of forever, but he can’t. He knows he can’t. That doesn’t stop the want.
~Rose~
He won’t look at her and it’s killing her inside. Is this how it’s always going to be? Him refusing to accept her love when he needs it most? She wants to knock some sense into him, make him give her a straight answer, do anything that will prevent him from making the biggest mistake of his life. And then she wonders in sudden horror if he even does feel what she’s always been so sure he had to feel.
Her eyes glance over to the other one and there is a slight look of hurt on his face as he focuses on her hand clasped in the Time Lord’s. She almost feels guilty, almost drops the hand she holds, but she can’t. She’s going to hold onto it until he pulls away more completely than he’s already done, pulls away physically as well as emotionally.
He finally does pull his hand away to land the ship and when she goes to recover it again after the ship materializes he has both hands firmly shoved into his pockets, but there is a faint glimmer of moisture in his eyes. Maybe it’s not over, Rose thinks. Maybe there’s still hope. She’ll see her question asked and answered before this hour passes.
Rose sighs and follows her mother and the new Doctor out of the TARDIS and onto the beach that once took away her heart and left a cold, dying soul. Her mother is complaining and Rose almost smiles at how some things never change. “Fat lot of good this is, back of beyond. Bloody Norway. I’m going to have to find your father. He’s on the nursery run.” Rose tunes out the rest of what she is saying, turning back to wait for the other man to leave his ship.
The Doctor and Donna emerge, both with hands in pockets and looks upon their faces that are almost identical. “Hold on, this is the parallel universe, right?” she asks the Doctor. She knows it, but she desperately wants an explanation from him that what she thinks is coming isn’t.
“You’re back home,” the brown Doctor says to her. Rose frowns. This world was never her home. How can he say that so casually?
“And the walls of the world are closing again now that the reality bomb never happened,” pipes up Donna and though Rose hears the words she can only focus on the Doctor’s face. The Doctor is focused on Donna, unable or unwilling to look at Rose. “It’s dimensional retroclosure. See I really get that stuff now.”
“No, but I spent all that time trying to find you, I’m not going back now,” Rose insists and he finally looks at her, takes a step forward, then several more, closing the physical distance but still emotionally so far away.
“But you’ve got to,” he says. “Because we saved the universe but at a cost. And the cost is him.” His eyes fasten for a moment on the man behind her than swerve unerringly back to her own. She feels tears rising in her eyes and forces them back. She doesn’t understand what he’s saying, why the creation of this other man is a cost at all. He’s just a new man who did what needed doing, who was created through no fault of his own, and who saved reality. Why was that a cost?
“He destroyed the Daleks and committed genocide. He’s too dangerous to be left alone,” the Doctor continues.
Rose thinks that’s ridiculous. There has been nothing dangerous in the way the Doctor in blue has been with her. If anything he has been the gentlest of men, the most caring and compassionate part of the Doctor. She is outraged on his behalf and he is on his own as well for he speaks up with a hint of anger in his voice.
“You made me!” he protests.
“Exactly. You were born in battle. Full of blood and anger and revenge.” His eyes leave those of himself and return to Rose, softening as they do so. “Remind you of someone?” And he does, of course he does, she’s seen it all along, but not really seen it. She looks away from him and out to sea as the memories wash over her. “That’s me when we first met.”
Rose looks back at him and her eyes are close to spilling over with her tears now, realizing that there is far too much truth in what he is saying, that this new man is very much like her beloved first Doctor, but not in the way the man in brown is implying. He is heart and vulnerability and love and emotion and desire and need and he’s not so good at hiding it as the man in front of her.
“And you made me better.” Yes, she had, but she hadn’t done it as a job, hadn’t done it on purpose, had simply done it by being with him, by loving him, by helping him stop when he needed to be stopped and telling him he was brilliant when he needed to be told he was brilliant and sometimes when he didn’t. And yes, she could do that all again, but not because she was forced to by circumstances. She could do it all again if she chose to. “Now you can do the same for him.”
“But he’s not you.” She tried to speak quietly enough that the other man wouldn’t hear it, but his sharp intake of breath told her he had and it hurt her to know she’d just hurt him. It wasn’t what she wanted; this ache in her heart today should not be shared with any other person because it hurt too much. A tear escaped and left a shiny track down her cheek.
“He needs you. That’s very me,” the Doctor told her.
'But it isn't,' thinks Rose. 'Not anymore.'
'But it isn't,' thinks Rose. 'Not anymore.'
~Blue~
A small ball of fury is raging inside the human Doctor as he watches and listens to the conversation playing out before him. How dare that man treat him as a damaged item to be mended, and by Rose of all people? She’s already put in her time fixing him once and he doesn’t need to be fixed this time. He is fine with everything he’s done that day, it had been the right thing, and that stupid prat is acting like he is a monster, a broken monster, and Rose is the super glue to patch him back together.
His fists clench and it nearly kills him when he hears Rose’s quiet, “But he’s not you.” She might as well have howled it to the moon the way it rips through him.
And then Donna is speaking, no longer able to hold her silence and he feels a tender wave of love for his companion wash over him as she does her best to convince Rose that he is not a second choice. “But it’s better than that though. Don’t you see what he’s trying to give you?” She nods at the Doctor in brown and then focuses her gaze on the one in blue. “Tell her, go on,” she encourages.
Rose turns to look at him, her eyes finding his and finally seeming to really see him, him, not some shadow of the other man, for the first time. He tries to hold back his overwhelming love and need of her but as her expression changes he knows he has failed and she sees every naked emotion he has writ large across his face.
He speaks. “I look like him and I think like him, same memories, same rules, same everything. Except I’ve only got one heart.”
“Which means?” she asks hesitantly.
“I’m part human. Specifically the aging part.” Her eyes widen and he thinks a glimmer of understanding has come into them. “I’ll grow old and never regenerate. I’ve only got one life. I could spend it with you, Rose Tyler. If you want.” Every part of him is begging for her to say she wants this, but he holds back, knowing she has to think it all through for herself, that if he dares to force his hand now, it’ll all crumble to dust.
“You could grow old at the same time as me?” she asks and full comprehension dawns in her eyes.
“Together.”
She shakes her head the tiniest bit, steps forward and reaches out, placing her right hand over his heart and it beats so loud at her touch he wonders if she can hear it. Her gaze fastens on his and his heart swells at the look there. She wants this if she’ll just take this chance; just forget the other man standing behind her in the sand.
But that’s not to be as the TARDIS calls out a warning and Rose whirls around.
~Rose~
Her heart is pounding in her chest as she turns to see the Doctor and Donna looking back at the ship. The man in the brown suit turns back to her. “We’ve got to go,” he says. “This reality is sealing itself off. Forever.” A tear falls down her cheek as she realizes this is it, he’s really going to leave her behind again, on this damn beach that has already shattered her once before. How can he? How can he give up everything they ever were? How can he betray their love? Did he love her? The other one says he did, but she’ll never be sure, never unless she asks him. They turn to go.
“But,” she chases after him, “it’s still not right!” She hiccups a bit. “Because the Doctor’s still you.”
“And I’m him.”
And it’s time. She’s not going to let him get away without asking this. “All right.” She turns back to her blue Doctor, including him in this moment because it has all come down to this, her choice is coming and she’s going to make it. “Both of you, answer me this.” They move close to her, one on either side and she looks back at the man in brown.
“When I last stood on this beach on the worst day of my life, what was the last thing you said to me?” She looks beseechingly up into his eyes and they fill with pain. He doesn’t speak and it raises her ire just a bit. “Go on, say it.”
“I said Rose Tyler,” he says. He is deliberately misunderstanding her and she wants to smack his arm, but she holds back and forces the issue. This is her choice to make, not his, and she’s going to get an answer. Overwhelming sorrow crosses his face and he swallows hard.
“Yeah, and how was that sentence going to end?” she asks softly.
He almost says it. She’s sure of it, but then he pulls himself back. “Does it really need saying?” he manages to get out.
‘Yes, damn it, it does!’ she screams inside her head. ‘It needs saying, just once, so I can know without any doubt and uncertainty that this isn’t all just in my head, that you really loved me, too.’ She says none of this, her heart hardening just a little bit against the man who will never love her as fully as she loves him. She turns to the man in blue. If he can say it to her, if he can tell her, her choice is made.
“And you Doctor?” He moves towards her. “What was the end of that sentence?” His hand cradles her elbow and he leans down to whisper in her ear, his breath hot against her neck, hot and warm and so human.
“I love you,” he says softly. “And I always will.”
As he pulls back their eyes meet and she sees the truth of it all shining so clearly in his eyes and this is what she wants, what she’s always wanted, him loving her. Her hands rise and her fingers clutch at his lapels pulling him in close to her and her lips meet his. He returns her kiss with open passion, his tongue pushes into her mouth and he explores with abandon. Fire rushes into nerve endings and a violent desire to have him inside her body rages through her. She wants to climb inside his skin, wants to lay herself down right there in the sand and pull him on top of her, make love and never stop, drive forever forward.
This is her choice, she tells him without words as she wraps her arms around him, tangles her hand in his hair, feels his arms pull her tightly into him, realizes how much he wants her too as she feels his arousal against her stomach. This is what she wants, who she wants forever with. This is her Doctor and always will be. And she loves him. It is only the sound of the TARDIS dematerializing that breaks their embrace.
She runs from the man she’s been holding and snogging the life out of towards the sounds of the universe leaving her behind forever. It isn’t even that he’s left, because her choice is made. It’s that he left without saying good-bye, without one last hug, without giving her that moment of closure, ending a chapter in her life without allowing her to turn the final page.
Rose realizes just how much it must have hurt him to see her kiss this other man, even though this is what he had been pushing her towards all this time. She realizes that yes, the other man did love her, just not enough or maybe too much. It’s going to be a long time before she’s really sure on that score.
She feels a hand reach around hers and fingers entwine with hers, the strong grip of her Doctor at her side as he ever will be from now on. Rose is sad and yet she feels hope for the first time in years, that everything truly will be okay. He squeezes her hand and she squeezes back tightly and they turn to look at each other. They stare for a long moment and then he’s holding her and she’s holding him and he’s telling her, “I’m so sorry he ran away again.”
“He was always running, you were always running, from the day I met you. He always will.”
“I think I’d like to learn how to stand still,” he tells her.
She pulls back and smiles at him through her tears. “I’ll teach you.”
Rose glances back to where the TARDIS had stood, staring at the damp impression in the sand. She pulls the Doctor closer. They have got their ever after. Whether it is happily or not is up to them.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 05:17 am (UTC)Awesome chapter!!!
no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 05:18 am (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 05:23 am (UTC)I love it. Simply love it.
no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 08:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 05:29 am (UTC)Well anywho, once again, fantastic!!!!
no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 08:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 05:35 am (UTC)*ENTHUSIASTIC BIG HUGS*
no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 08:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 05:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 08:57 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 05:47 am (UTC)I love how you truly gave Rose a choice, but that you show us that not getting to say goodbye to her Doctor was heartrending for her. Excellent, as always! Thank you!!!
no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 08:59 am (UTC)I wanted her to have that choice, I wanted this to be her choice even if only in fic. And he's never given her the chance to say good-bye before when he's sent her away, this time he's left on his own without giving her that chance. Such a horrible pattern he has. Glad you enjoyed the story.
no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 05:48 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 09:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 05:54 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 09:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 06:05 am (UTC)And ooo, there can't be too many of your stories out there, so I hope you do Ashes! :D *feeds your plot bunnies carrot cake cookies* ;) ♥!
no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 09:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 06:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 09:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 06:27 am (UTC)I noticed that you didn't give us a final 'Brown' section. Is this the gap fic you mention? If it is, even though it would have me crying...again, I'd really like to read that.
Either way, this fic touched me from the very beginning. Thank you for giving us the closure RTD never did...or even could.
no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 09:08 am (UTC)I didn't do a final Brown section because...well, I'm still mad at him and because this is really Rose's journey to Ten2. And like in the show how we never see Rose and Blue again after they're left staring at each other, I hadn't planned on seeing Brown again in this series.
Not to say I might not do that eventually, cover Brown's emotions here, but I haven't forgiven him yet for what he did to Rose or to Donna, so I'm not ready. It took me weeks to be able to write this fill in the holes fic. It hurt too much before that to face it and I still can't face Donna.
I'm happy to have given you closure in my quest to find it for myself.
no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 06:33 am (UTC)*wants to bitchslap his face
Fixed that for you. :-p Or maybe that's just me projecting.
You did a good job, in this fic, of making Rose's choice more plausible. There were hours and hours of Brown ignoring her and pushing her towards Blue, as well as friends and relatives pushing her. And still she held out for the last question, the last test, which she so would do. My personal interpretation didn't necessarily make it a choice at all - but yours did, and you justified it very nicely. :)
It's also consistent with this sentiment: Brown is a in a bad place, and I fear for a universe left in his maladjusted, grieved, godlike, choice-revoking hands.
no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 09:15 am (UTC)Well, this fic is kind of your fault, actually. You got me thinking when I used the line in Rekindle where she asks him if she knows she chose him when she kissed him that day on the beach and we had that conversation back and forth about it. So I decided to lay down that path for her and this fic was the result.
In reality I don't think it was a choice. I think he pitched her out of the TARDIS, threw Ten at her, said fix this and left without a good-bye. But for the purposes of this particular series, it was how I made my peace with things. And I like the end result and I like to think that maybe in one reality this was how it happened.
I'm not quite ready to worry about Brown just yet. I'm still too mad at him. Eventually I'll see if I can fix him, but not yet. Some sort of coming to terms with what he's done fic.
(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 07:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 09:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 08:22 am (UTC)Perfect. Absolutely, wonderfully perfect.
Exactly how I saw it, after watching JE over and over again ( no, it wasn't just for the kiss...If I keep telling myself that, maybe it'll be true one day LOL)
Only thing missing is Brown's reaction to the Blue/Rose kiss back in the Tardis and before he removes Donna's memories. Please, please can we have that bit *bribes with lots of cookies and a blue/brown hug*
Oh, I freely admit to sobbing over this ending, and now fear for Brown. He is grieving again, and that will not put him in a good place, he'll be reckless again.
Thank you. Thank you so so much for this fic. *sniffs*
no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 09:23 am (UTC)Maybe I will write a seperate one shot that covers that at some point, the opportunity for emo!Ten angst is hard to resist, but I'm still too annoyed with Ten right now to do that.
no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 12:29 pm (UTC)I love how it's Rose's choice to stay with human!Ten.
She’s already put in her time fixing him once and he doesn’t need to be fixed this time. He is fine with everything he’s done that day, it had been the right thing, and that stupid prat is acting like he is a monster, a broken monster, and Rose is the super glue to patch him back together.
This bothers me about Journey's End. I feel like it was a storyline thrown in at the last minute to make it okay that the Doctor was leaving them both behind, Blue doesn't need fixing.
*restrains urge to slap Brown*
no subject
Date: 2008-08-08 12:31 am (UTC)I don't think he needs fixing either. Time and support and love, yes, but fixing, no.
no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 01:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-08 12:33 am (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 02:37 pm (UTC)You made me cry at work! Congratulations!
no subject
Date: 2008-08-08 12:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 02:44 pm (UTC)You know, while rewatching this scene yesturday, I wondered why Rose didn't fight more, why she didn't tell him this was not "home" but a prison world, and then slap the life out of him and tell him this was betrayal.
This is what I would have done... but not Rose.
Even if it hurt her to see him leaving her without a goodbye, she still loves him... enough for not starting to hate him.
They are no Ariadne & Theseus, but Rose and the Doctor.
no subject
Date: 2008-08-08 12:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 03:31 pm (UTC)They should have used this in the real story-line. I was sad that there never was the welcome after two years they hadn't seen each other. And then it all went to hell. I can't wait for the next season of the show. And I gotta say - this fanfic is wonderfull (but pleeeeease, next time better write the tissue warning).
no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 05:29 pm (UTC)(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 05:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-08 12:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 09:15 pm (UTC)This ... just breaks my heart.
*whimpers*
no subject
Date: 2008-08-08 12:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 11:26 pm (UTC)And I think it was far more hopeful than sad (still no crying from me...what's up with that????). Yes, we know that Brown loves Rose, but he continues to try to make her choices for her and refuses to accept happiness. So...phooey on him. Go Blue!
no subject
Date: 2008-08-08 12:44 am (UTC)Yeah, Brown is so stubborn, isn't he? I wish he'd get over that making everyone's choices for them thing. It's annoying and getting really old.
no subject
Date: 2008-08-08 01:07 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-09 05:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-08 01:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-09 05:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-08 03:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-09 05:13 am (UTC)