Sacrifice (5/6)
Aug. 6th, 2008 02:40 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amberfocus
Chapter Five
~Mickey~
“Not now, Mickey,” Rose says. “This isn’t a good time.”
“Yes, now,” Mickey says rather fervently and Rose gives him a startled look.
“Mickey,” she begins with a frown but he cuts her off.
“For once in your life, Rose, I’m asking you to put me first. I need to talk with you and I need to do it now. Doctor, if you’ll excuse us, please?” Mickey is polite and determined, but he lets his scowl speak for itself as he turns it on the Doctor.
“We can talk some more later,” the Doctor says squeezing Rose’s hand, and taking his cup of tea with him he slips from the room.
“What’d you do that for?” Rose asks in annoyance and Mickey just shakes his head.
“This is important, Rose.”
“So was that. It couldn’t have waited a few hours?”
“No, it couldn’t!” Mickey snaps. “I won’t be here in a few hours.”
“What?”
“I’m leaving. I’ve got nothing left for me back on Pete’s World since Gran died and I miss my own universe. I’m going back to my old life,” he tells her.
“But…but you’ve done so much, with Torchwood, with your career. Why would you want to throw it all away? For a life as a mechanic? For a life back on the estate?” Rose is clearly bewildered.
“No challenge anymore in Pete’s world. Besides, I have no intention of returning to the estate. I’ll hook up with Jack or Martha, see about rebuilding UNIT or monster hunting, I don’t know. They’re good people. Not going to stand around and watch this train wreck anymore.”
“But you could stay with us. Travel with us,” Rose protests. “Like old times.”
“You mean the times when I was just your third wheel? Don’t think so. I don’t know what’s going to happen, Rose. Whether you end up back with your family and that man in the blue suit, or you stay in this universe and travel with the one in the brown, but either way, what makes you think I want to watch you love someone who isn’t me?” Mickey asks her.
Her eyes widen. “Mickey, you haven’t been, please tell me you haven’t been pining for me all these years. Why would you do that?”
“Why did you try to move heaven and Earth and blast yourself across dimensions over and over again to get back to the Doctor, Rose? Because you bloody loved him. Not because you were pining,” he growls.
“You mean you’re still that much in love with me?” she asks stunned.
“Tried not to be, because after the Doctor came into your life, it was never going to be me again and I knew it. My heart just had trouble catching up. Bit slow, me, sometimes, but I get there eventually.”
“But you helped me, with the canon and everything. Why would you do that if--?”
“I did it because I do love you. I’d have done anything to see you smile again, Rose,” he explains.
“Mickey--.”
“Don’t, Rose. Just don’t. I wanted a chance to say good-bye, that’s all.”
“Good-bye, yeah. And put a whole universe between us one more time,” she says bitterly.
“That mean you’re going home to your family? That you’re choosing the new Doctor?” Rose looks surprised, as if she hadn’t realized the implications of what she’s just said.
“No, I…” She stops. “What do you think I should do, Mickey?” she says. “Last time I’m going to be able to ask your advice about something and I trust your judgment more than anyone I know. How can I choose?”
Mickey studies her carefully and shakes his head at the audacity of Rose asking him to help her choose between two men that aren't him. “Sorry, Rose. I can’t tell you what to do. But I think that when the time comes, you’ll know. Your heart will tell you. Follow it. It’s always been right. It told you to leave me and run off with him.”
“Mickey--.”
“Hush, now. Even though it hurt me, I can admit it now. It was the right decision, because when you were with him you were the happiest I’ve ever seen you.”
“I’m sorry, Mickey. I never met to hurt you. I never meant to take you for granted,” she tells him.
“I know you didn’t.” That’s not quite true but he figures he’ll never see her again and so he might as well go out by letting her off the hook. He’s held onto too many little resentments for so long and it’s time to let them go. It’s important to him to part with a clean slate and he feels the better for it.
And maybe she didn’t quite deserve all of those resentments anyway. It isn’t like she hasn’t made it clear since she came to Pete’s World that the Doctor is the man she loves and that there would be no getting back together. He is a big enough man to forgive her for everything.
He holds open his arms and she hugs him. “I do love you, Mickey,” she tells him. “I always will.”
“I know,” he tells her. “I’ll always love you, but you know what? I’ve got a good chance of getting over my heartbreak now that I know you’re going to be happy with one of them, now that impossible no longer is.”
“How can I be, leaving one of them behind?” she asks him. He pushes her back enough to look her in the eyes.
“You’ll do what the man said the very first time he sent you away. You’ll have a fantastic life, for him. It’s all he’s ever wanted for you, Rose. And you’ll do it, because whichever man you end up with, he is the Doctor and that’s what Rose Tyler does. She loves the Doctor. In any form.”
Rose grabs him again and holds him tightly. “I’ll miss you so much. But I get it. You need to do this. And you know what? I think you’re going to have a fantastic life, too. I hope so. Because you deserve it.”
He laughs and plants a kiss on her forehead. “You’re right. I do. And I’m going to have one.”
~Jack~
“You might want to say good-bye to Rose,” says a voice behind him and Jack nearly jumps through the ceiling. It’s been a long time since someone could sneak up behind him and this new Doctor has somehow managed that feat.
“Why would I…?” Jack stops. “He’s not?”
“Pretty sure he is,” says the Doctor.
“But why would he, you, he, damn,” says Jack. “This is confusing. Why would he do that to Rose? You missed her so much. I saw how much. It killed you.”
“Yeah, it killed me. I’m starting to think all his emotions, all of his ability to love her went into me when I was created. I can’t even begin to understand how he can possibly consider sending her away again. Even if he’s planning to leave her with me, even if it’s what I want, I don’t want her heart broken one more time. I’d give her up to him before I’d ever let her hurt,” he tells her.
“And he’ll give her up to you because he thinks he knows what’s best,” growls Jack. “I could strangle the man. Much as I love you, Doc, this part of you has always made me furious. Always going to run from what he loves if it’s not quite right. And this whole situation is so far from being right. Just like me.” Jack is thinking about the way the Doctor ran from him once, ran as far and as fast as he could and still it wasn’t enough.
“I’m sorry,” says the Doctor. “I’m sorry I ever ran away from you.”
Jack is surprised. It isn’t like the Doctor to say such a thing. “You don’t feel it, do you? The fact that I’m a fixed point in time? You don’t feel it anymore.”
“No. I’m part human now and certain Time Lord things are fading. Can’t read the time lines either. Weird feeling, that. Can still feel the TARDIS though, for as long as I’m still here,” he admits. “Never should have left you behind on the game station. Maybe if we’d gone back for you later, none of this ever would have happened. You’d have been with us when the Cybermen and Daleks attacked at Canary Wharf. You could have helped. You could have protected Rose when I couldn’t. You might have--.”
“I might have been the one to end up in the parallel universe instead of Mickey, or if I’d stayed with you after the first time I might have ended up there instead of Rose.” He ignores the guilty look that pops up on the Doctor’s face, the look that says that would have been preferable to losing Rose before it is quickly masked. He can’t fault the man for wanting to lose a friend rather than an almost lover. Hell, he would have gladly fallen in Rose’s place that day if it meant the girl would have been saved the heartache of the last few years. The man in blue wasn’t the only one in the room who loved Rose Tyler.
“Do you think you can make her happy?” Jack asks him.
“I don’t know. But I want to try. I want…I want everything with Rose. Everything. I just wish she weren’t so confused. He and I, we really are the same man, but it’s hard for her to see that. And if we can’t get past that, even if he does strand us together, I don’t know what it’ll do to us. I don’t know if we’ll ever be truly okay,” he says.
“I think with enough time you will be,” Jack says.
“Do you really think so?” Jack is surprised. He is so used to the Doctor having full confidence in everything he does. To see him unsure of himself, worried, uncertain is unexpected.
“Yes, Doctor. Rose loves you. She’s scared and confused and doesn’t want to be left behind, but I think she’ll cope with it if she at least has you. You said she managed okay with the regeneration last time.”
“Yeah, but I looked like a different man. It wasn’t looking at the same face and knowing the man is different, it was looking at a different face and knowing the man’s the same,” the Doctor explains. “She’ll look at my face every day and know I’m not quite him, not quite her Time Lord.”
“And maybe it won’t matter to her. Quite frankly, Doc, you’ve underestimated Rose in the past and more than once. Now is not the time to do it again.”
“I’m not underestimating Rose. I just don’t want to overestimate myself. But enough about me, Jack. Go find Rose and say good-bye to her, just in case. She’ll hurt if she doesn’t get that opportunity. She loves you, you know.”
“I know. She told me so.”
For a moment the Doctor looks jealous that Rose has said those words to Jack and has yet to say them to him. Though the Doctor told him she did, once, a long time ago. But it wouldn’t have been to this him. Poor man, jealous of Jack, jealous of his own self. “She’ll tell you, too. One day.”
“If she chooses me,” the Doctor says and tension knits his brow.
“If he lets her have a choice,” Jack says darkly.
“Yeah. Now go say good-bye to Rose. And Jack?”
“Yeah?”
“You’ve been a good friend,” the Doctor tells him. “You’ve always been a good friend. To Rose. To me. Thank you. And I’ll miss you.”
“I’ll miss you, too.” Jack sweeps the Doctor into a big hug, wonders if he can get away with a kiss, but then as if he knows what Jack is thinking the Doctor pulls away before he can.
“Stop it,” the Doctor says and Jack laughs. “Go.” Jack does.
~Rose~
She is exhausted having slept very little and she is lying on her bed trying to catch a catnap before they land. She’s asked the TARDIS to wake her before anyone can leave the ship. She doesn’t trust the Doctor enough at the moment to believe he’ll let her say her good-byes to their friends. When did it come to this? When did she stop having faith in her Doctor?
Her door squeaks open and she’s not sure she even wants to open her eyes because while they are closed she can pretend it’s him, the one in brown, the one who she fought so hard to get back to. She feels a weight settle on the bed beside her, feels a hand pick up hers, feels lips press a kiss to her cheek and she sighs. “Hello, Jack.”
He laughs. “How’d you know it was me? You didn’t even open your eyes.”
“Didn’t need to. I know what your hand feels like. Know what your lips feel like, too. Don’t think I’ve forgotten your last good-bye to me on the game station. That’s what you’re here for, isn’t it? To say good-bye?”
“Yeah.” He squirms his arm underneath her until he’s got it wrapped around her and he’s cuddling her close. “It’s not fair, Rose, what he’s doing. You deserve so much more. He missed you. It killed him having you gone. I know he loves you.”
“I guess it’s not enough,” she says finally opening her eyes and meeting Jack’s. His eyes, usually such a sparkling blue, are sad.
“Maybe it’s not enough for him, but what about the other one?” Jack asks softly. “He wants to spend his life with you.”
“Did he say that?” she asks her curiosity getting the better of her. She knows what he has said to her, but if he’s also been talking to Jack about it, well…maybe he really means it. Maybe the other one does want a life with her. Maybe it’s all she’s going to get. Can she make it be enough? She doesn’t know and it’s driving her crazy and hurting her heart.
“Yeah, he did. He’s so utterly in love with you, Rose. And I want to be selfish and say ignore it and tell you to make the other one see reason, just so I can see you from time to time, because I’ve missed you so much. But I can’t because I love you and I want you to be happy and I think given time, this new one will make you happy. So very, very happy. I really do. I know it’s not my place, sweetheart, to make this decision for you, but maybe you’re going to have to make this choice with your head and not your heart.”
“Mickey told me to make it with my heart.”
“Well, what does he know?” Jack asks.
“He knows me,” she says quietly.
“He does at that,” responds Jack.
“It’s just so hard!” she wails. “Why did this have to happen? I think a regular regeneration would have been easier to deal with.”
“Yeah, but he might have been ugly. Least like this you get a looker either way,” Jack says cheekily. “Could’ve ended up like he was before.”
“What do you mean? He was gorgeous before,” Rose says in disbelief. “You certainly wanted to pull him.” She tenses up and starts to move away from him.
“I was kidding! Trying to lighten the mood.”
“Well, don’t do it by insulting the face I fell in love with,” she says. She’s still annoyed with him, but he pulls her back into him anyway.
“Okay, okay. But can you imagine that nose and those ears on a face without those cheekbones and those gorgeous blue eyes? Could have been a disaster. And big floppy hair? Or curls? Or he could have been an old man, or a teenager. Just saying, at least he’s still gorgeous.”
“Jack.”
“So I’m a little bit shallow,” he says with a shrug.
“Just a bit,” she replies but the tension eases from her body. They lay quietly for a few minutes then Jack speaks again.
“I think when the time comes you’ll know.”
“Mickey said that, too.”
“Wise man, Mr. Smith,” Jack says.
“I thought you didn’t think he knew anything,” Rose teases.
“Well, when he agrees with me…”
She laughs then sobers. “I’m really going to miss you. Won’t be that much different from the past few years, though. Least now I know you’re alive and…” She trails off.
“And always will be,” he replies softly.
“Yeah. Jack, I--.”
“We’ve already covered this, Rose. It’s all right. Honestly. I’d never have gotten to see you again if it hadn’t happened. I’d have been dead before I got this chance. That alone makes everything worth it.”
She flings herself against him. “I love you,” she says.
“I love you, too, sweetheart.” He hugs her tighter, turns towards her and lightly touches her lips with his in a chaste kiss. “Sure you won’t run away with me?” he asks as he breaks off the brief buss.
Rose pretends to consider. “It’s tempting,” she giggles. “You were always tempting, Jack Harkness, but it’s always been him. Always. I love him. And one way or another I have to make a life with one of him, because there’s nothing else left for me but him. I’ve tried life without him and if I have any kind of chance for a life with him, I’m going to take it, even if it’s not quite the one I was expecting.”
“So you’re choosing?”
“Not yet. But I will. I have to. I can’t leave it to him.”
“Some kind of test?” Jack asks.
“No, not a test. I won't do that to him. But I’ve got a question and someone better answer it before this is over,” she says. There is a soft chiming sound and Rose adds, “We’re landing. Oh, Jack.”
“Good-bye, Rosie.” He gives her one more gentle brush of his lips against hers.
“Good-bye, Jack.” He lets her go and slips away from her. And that’s exactly how it feels, like he’s slipping away, like everything is slipping away. All that she fought through to get back, all that she worked so hard for, it’s all slipping away, like sand through an hour glass. Her time is running short and she knows it. Sitting up she squares her shoulders, pulls herself together, and heads for the console room.
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no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 11:17 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 12:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 11:58 am (UTC)And YAY for 'because whichever man you end up with, he is the Doctor and that’s what Rose Tyler does. She loves the Doctor. In any form.'
So, so true!!!
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Date: 2008-08-06 12:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 12:42 pm (UTC)And I completely agree with
And Mickey, too, that they wouldn't show him saying good-bye to Rose but he was all over Jackie? Weird.
That was such an uncomfortable, stranger, perplexing moment. Some would say creepy.
no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 06:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 01:25 pm (UTC)This is the first chapter that made me tear up a bit. Okay, I admit there were some tears. The conversation of Rose saying goodbye to her two best friends just broke me. I wanted so much for her to have Jack, Mickey, and Blue!Ten but that just isn't possible.
Well done!
no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 06:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 01:39 pm (UTC)But the TARDIS is lsanding already? *sigh* Couldn't drag it out forever, I suppose.
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Date: 2008-08-06 06:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 02:53 pm (UTC)It's really good seeing these holes plugged up in Journey's End, what with Rose not really saying goodbye to Mickey or speaking at length with Jack! That had left me feeling even MORE unsatisfied with the ending.
*Hugs*
no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 06:41 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 03:16 pm (UTC)This really is wonderful at filling the wholes RTD left.
*HUGS*
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Date: 2008-08-06 06:42 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 03:30 pm (UTC)And SO much love for Mickey and Jack. =D
no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 06:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 06:25 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 06:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 06:35 pm (UTC)I love this series, this is what should have happened on screen, damn you RTD!!!! Man couldn't even do a decent ending, even if it was written for him!!
no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 06:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 07:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 11:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 06:41 pm (UTC)Yes, the Doctor could've been old. Or short. Or dressed in velvet. Or all teeth and curls. Or a beige puppy. Or had a white man's afro and a clown suit. Or short, stout and Scottish. Or *damn* fine!
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Date: 2008-08-06 06:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 07:08 pm (UTC)As for Mickey, it's my personal canon that Mickey got over Rose when he stayed in Pete's world the first time and then after DD he and Rose were just best mates. But either way, I'm glad he got to say some of those things he needed to say. Rose did treat him terribly and he never let her down. He deserves a chance at his own happiness.
Lovely chapter, as always.
no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 11:11 pm (UTC)I think in all of my other stories Mickey is happy with someone except in one where he's evil!Mickey. But since this particular story is trying to fill in canon holes and Mickey says, "I'm not stupid, I can work out what happens next," and "There's nothing there for me now. Certainly not Rose." So I'm simply extrapolating a bit from that. Of course it could be that he doesn't want to nurse Rose through another broken heart in the parallel world, too, or he could think that if Rose is gallivanting with the Doctor in this universe, why bother being stuck in one his best friend isn't in, but I wanted him to say some things to her that he wouldn't have said under those circumstances, so went with him still being in love with her, but finally ready to let her go.
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Date: 2008-08-06 11:32 pm (UTC)It's just that for me...well, we see Mickey pining away, and being the loyal, faithful 'Tin Dog' for almost 2 series and I absolutely hated how Rose (and the Doctor, but especially Rose) treated the poor guy. So when Mickey decides to stay in Pete's world I was sad but I cheered for him. It was a brave choice and the first choice we had seen him really make for himself. And then we see him again in Army of Ghosts he is a strong, confident young man and I think "YES! This is the Mickey I always knew he could be." And it's from that point on that I believe he loves Rose dearly but he is not longer in love with her.
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Date: 2008-08-07 12:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 06:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-09 05:45 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-07 06:33 pm (UTC)*sniff*
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Date: 2008-08-09 05:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-08 01:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-09 05:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-12 10:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-12 10:49 am (UTC)a much needed balm
Date: 2008-08-13 03:24 am (UTC)Re: a much needed balm
Date: 2008-08-13 08:47 am (UTC)Re: a much needed balm
Date: 2008-08-15 03:46 am (UTC)I am thrilled that you are writing a story that "tells canon to go and whistle". You are an accomplished storyteller and I cannot wait to read A Sky Without Zeppelins. Please give a shout out when it is done! Thanks. . .
Re: a much needed balm
Date: 2008-08-16 09:35 am (UTC)Re: a much needed balm
Date: 2008-08-16 05:24 pm (UTC)