You Reap What You Sow (1&2/45)

[amberfocus]

 
                                                              Banner by bmshipper_arts

A/N:  A Neural Cluster Crash has caused Rose Tyler to forget the last four years of her life. She doesn't remember marrying the Doctor or having his child, though the strong mental link she has to them both has not completely disappeared. Rose struggles to accept her place in a life she may never remember. Can she learn to love the Doctor all over again? A sequel to To Call Our Own in the Time Eternal Series.

Chapter One:  Forgotten

“Rose, it’s me.” A man she did not recognize looked at Rose Tyler in consternation.

Rose shook her head, trying not to let her confusion take over. He was a lovely man with liquid brown eyes and he was staring at her with such a loving expression, as if she meant everything in the world to him. He was also holding an infant. “I don’t know who you are,” she said softly.

He frowned at her. “Rose, love, it’s me. Your husband.”

Rose sat up suddenly frightened and a little angry. “I don’t know who you are or what you think you’re trying to pull but I’ve never seen you before in my life.”

She could tell he was trying to keep his voice calm as he responded. “Rose, do you know where you are?”

She looked around her, recognizing the familiar walls of the TARDIS, though the room she was in wasn’t one she recognized. It was a beautiful room she noted, the coral structure of the walls overlaid in what looked like a pale green lace. It was a very soothing, organic design.

She was laying in a large king size bed with a slightly darker green coverlet and on the side of the bed nearest her was a crib. It wasn’t her room, though. “Of course, I do. I’m in the TARDIS. Not sure where in the TARDIS, but definitely in the TARDIS.” Her expression cleared. “That’s it,” she said. “Whoever you are, go and get the Doctor. He’ll sort this mess out right quick.”

He couldn’t keep the shock out of his voice when he said, “Rose, I am the Doctor.”

“No, you’re not,” she said fiercely.

“Yes, love, I am,” he replied firmly.

She shook her head in denial. “Stop it! Stop calling me love. You’re not him. The Doctor looks nothing like you. He’s all big ears and nose and grin and leather jacket and Northern accent and bigger than you. And he’ll beat you to a pulp for pretending to be him. You’re not him.”

“Rose, you know very well that I only use violence as a last resort. I wouldn’t have beaten anyone to a pulp even in my old body.”

The man was talking nonsense now. Old body? Doctor!” she hollered. “Doctor!”

The infant the man was holding started crying at the loud shout and the Doctor shushed him gently. “Rose, hush. You’re scaring the baby.”

“Why’s there a baby on the TARDIS? Who’s baby?” she asked panicking slightly.

“Our baby. Rose, this is our son.”

She looked from the face of the sleeping baby to the man holding him. The child looked like it could belong to her. There were bits of him she recognized from memories of her own baby pictures. And the baby’s face had similarities to the man standing before her, but it was impossible. “No way,” she said. “I’m nineteen years old. There’s no way I have a baby.”

The man’s face was shocked, but he tried to get his expression under control. Just then a tall red-haired woman bustled into the room, tying the belt of her bathrobe snuggly around her waist. “What’s going on, Doctor?” she said turning to the man holding the baby. “I heard Rose cry out.”

“Something’s happened to Rose, Donna. She doesn’t remember me. She’s forgotten I’ve regenerated, she’s forgotten the wedding, she’s even forgotten Dare.”

Donna’s eyes closed briefly. “Rose, sweetheart, it’s going to be okay. We’ll make it be okay. I’m going to go get your mum. I’ll be right back.”

“Who was that?” Rose demanded.

“Donna Noble. She travels with us sometimes.”

“I don’t travel with you. I travel with the Doctor!” Rose stared at him defiantly the entire time Donna was gone. “My Mum’s going to slap you for lying to me like this. She’ll sort you and you won’t like it one bit.”

“I’m not lying,” he said grimly. “And Jackie and I get on quite well now, thanks.”

Rose crossed her arms across her chest. “That’s proof right there you’re not the Doctor. He and Mum can’t stand each other. No way can you be him.”

The man sighed. “Rose, your Mum and I get on fine since the regeneration. She’s a good woman. She really helped you get through the…” He trailed off. “Not that you’d remember.”

“What’s regeneration?” she asked her curiosity getting the better of her.

“It’s how my body changes forms. That’s why I look like this now, but I’m still the Doctor.”

Rose shook her head. “You’re not him.”

“I am.”

“Fine, then what’s the first thing you ever said to me?”

“Run.”

She looked startled. “Anyone could of told you that.”

“Have you ever told anyone that?” he asked.

She bit her lip and turned her face to the wall. “No,” she admitted. She thought for a minute. “What was our key phrase to let the other know we were in trouble in a dangerous situation?”

“Mickey Smith is not an idiot!” the Doctor said triumphantly. “And really he’s not, you know. Well, you’d know if you could remember. He’s brilliant. Not like you or I are brilliant, but pretty brilliant for a human.”

“You are so not the Doctor. He thinks Mickey’s a waste of space.”

“I do not. Thought he was useless in the beginning until he learned to stand but I never thought he was a waste of space. Saved the world twice, Mickey the Idiot did,” the man told her.

There was a flurry of noise in the corridor and Jackie Tyler pushed into the room followed by Donna and…Rose stared, her eyes going wide. “Daddy?” she said.

“What’s going on?” Jackie demanded turning to the Doctor.

But it was Rose that answered. “That man is trying to convince me he’s the Doctor,” she said her eyes never leaving Pete Tyler’s face.

“He is the Doctor, sweetheart,” Jackie affirmed going to sit down on the bed next to her daughter.

"But how?" Rose tried not to wail.

“Dunno,” said Jackie. “But you saw it happen. He nearly died. We took care of him.” She paused and looked up at the strange man. “What’s going on?”

“Something’s happened to Rose’s brain. She doesn’t remember me or the baby or obviously Pete. She thinks she’s nineteen. She remembers the old me and the TARDIS, but that’s it.” He pulled out the sonic screwdriver and Rose gasped to see it in the stranger’s hand. “Now that your mum has confirmed who I am, will you let me scan you?” he asked.

Rose bit her lip but nodded hesitantly, still not believing. Her eyes went back to Pete. “Doctor, what are you doing?” Jackie asked.

“Looking for brain damage.”

“My brain is perfectly fine,” said Rose.

“No, it’s not. There was some kind of neural cluster crash in the memory center of your brain.” He handed the baby to Donna. “Can I?” he asked, reaching for her temples. Rose shied back from him. “It’s okay. I won’t hurt you, Rose.”

She studied him for a moment. His face was open and his eyes were pleading. She relented. There was something familiar as he linked into her mind, but she wasn’t sure why. She felt something silver and soothing but it flickered and vanished behind a shadow. A moment later he was letting go and stepping back. “Oh, Rose,” he said sadly. “You were protecting that girl again, that alternate version of you. You did this to yourself. The last four years of your memory seem to be missing.”

“Four years?” she gasped.

Jackie nodded. “You’re not nineteen, Rose. You’re twenty-three. This is the Doctor, he is your husband, this is your baby Vandarian Tyler but we pretty much all call him Dare, and that man you’re staring at is not your biological father, he’s an alternate version of Pete Tyler from a parallel universe.”

Rose stared at her mother in shock. “Anything else I should know?” Rose asked.

“Pete and I are married. You have a little brother named Johnny and a baby sister named Daisy. And we’re rich.”

“You were busy,” she said. “How rich?” Rose asked a moment later, curious but not greedy.

“Let’s just say we never have to worry about how much something costs.”

“Is it true,” Rose asked, “that you and…” Rose pointed to the man her mother insisted was the Doctor, “him actually get on?”

“Pretty much from the day he changed,” Jackie said, adding affectionately, “But he’s still got quite a few of the old annoying habits. Trust me, Rose,” she said to her daughter. “He is the Doctor. And he loves you very much.”

Rose finally turned her gaze back to the man she didn’t recognize. He smiled at her. “Yes, it’s me. Honestly, it’s me, Rose.”

“Doctor?” she said trying to let herself believe it.

“Hello,” he said.

“Hello,” she answered. Something in that simple greeting felt right. She was glad for that because at the moment nothing else in her life did. And she wasn’t sure it ever would again.


Chapter Two:  Learning Curve

When Jackie and Pete had left and Donna had gone to her room to give the Doctor and Rose time alone together so they could talk, things had gotten weird. For starters Rose had freaked out when she’d gone into the bathroom. She hadn’t realized that the baby had been born a scant week ago and had thought she’d been hemorrhaging to death.

But when the Doctor went to explain the normal sloughing process as her body eliminated the remnants of the pregnancy she had gotten extremely embarrassed and refused to listen to him. “It’s a perfectly normal bodily function,” he’d yelled through the door at her.

“Shut up and leave me alone!” Rose had roared at him, extremely embarrassed by both her overreaction and having a man she didn’t recognize or feel she knew talking about such things with her.

“I’m sorry, Rose. Look, you’ll find what you need under the sink.” He’d backed off realizing she was still reacting like a teenager would and not like a young married woman with much more maturity. Dare had started fussing at the shouting and the Doctor felt miserable. He wanted to be patient and understanding, but he’d forgotten just how aggravating a younger Rose could be, so quick to misunderstand or stubbornly refuse to communicate about things she thought he had no business in. And how easily embarrassed she’d been around him about what he considered silly things, even before he’d changed.

When she’d finally emerged from the bathroom she’d sat down on the edge of the bed and refused to look at him. The baby was still fussing and the Doctor realized he was hungry as he sent out a shaft from his mental link. “What was that?” Rose asked, startled into speech.

“You felt that?” the Doctor said, surprise and relief in his voice.

“Kind of hard to miss. Wasn’t subtle, like,” she said carefully.

“That was the baby. Your link to him is still working. Thank goodness for small favors. You’ll need to feed him.”

Rose turned to look at the Doctor, really look at him for the first time. “Feed him? You mean nurse him?” Her eyes widened and her voice rose a little edgily. “I don’t know how.”

“That’s okay,” the Doctor said gently. “He does. You’ll do just fine. Your mind may not remember but your muscle memory should work just fine. And I’ll help you.”

Rose blushed. She shook her head no. “I’m sorry…Doctor,” she still spoke his name with hesitation, unsure still that it was really his, “But I’m not comfortable with you seeing my…my body like that.”

The Doctor bit his lip and closed his eyes. “Rose, I’ve seen--.”

“I don’t care,” she said, a bit of a sob creeping into her voice. “I don’t remember it, okay? I’m scared and I…I miss him. I know you’re him, or at least a part of me does, but…please, Doctor. I’m not ready. He wouldn’t make me.”

He swallowed hard and said, “I wouldn’t either. Please know that. Would you like me to ask Donna to come help you, love?” He reached out to touch her hair in comfort but then pulled his hand back before completing the gesture, unsure how she would react to it.

“Would you?” Her eyes flooded with relief at his understanding.

“Of course. And…” He hesitated then continued, “I’ll be under the console doing repairs if…if you need me.” He looked down at his feet, clearly thinking that she wouldn’t need him, that she might never need him again, and something in Rose almost broke. She couldn’t change what she felt but she knew it was hard for him, too. Compassion had always been an intrinsic part of her. She hated this.

“Thank you,” she told him, her voice steady. He raised his eyes to hers and then flitted them away as he turned abruptly and left the room. Moments later Donna arrived.

With gentle words and guidance, Donna helped Rose position the baby to nurse. It was with great relief that the baby knew exactly what he was doing and she only had to hold him in place, her arms propped up with pillows and her back against the headboard of the bed.

“Did I love him?” she asked Donna.

“Oh, yes, Rose,” she answered immediately. “And he loves you. Beyond the telling of it.”

“How did you come to travel with us?”

“Well, after he lost you, but, you don’t know about that do you? You and he were separated for a couple of years, stuck in two different parallel universes. So right after he lost you, I was in the middle of my wedding and all of a sudden I was on the TARDIS. Just materialized there.” Donna went on to tell a story that was both heart-breaking and amusing and of how broken he’d been when she first met him.

“After that I didn’t see him again for awhile. But when I ran into him again he asked me to come travelling with him and I did.”

“You and he were never…?” Rose trailed off.

Donna snorted. “Oh, bloody hell, no, Rose! Even if I’d wanted to and I really, really, I can’t stress how really, didn’t, he was always hopelessly in love with you. The Doctor’s a pain in the neck, but he’s like family to me. Like an annoying brother that you put up with because despite the fact that he’ll get you into trouble at every turn, he’s fun and loyal and brilliant and amazing. I do love him, but not in any way you’d ever have to worry about. You and he are my dearest friends. And I’m bond mother to Dare.”

“Bond mother?”

“Similar to a godparent without the religious overtones. Jack and I are--.”

“Who’s Jack? Your husband?”

Donna started laughing so hard she came to tears. Finally when she calmed down she said, “Jack Harkness? My husband? Oh, I did need a good laugh. No, Jack’s someone who travels with us sometimes. You knew him, back before the Doctor changed. You don’t remember him, either?”

“No.” The baby pulled away from her and Donna helped her shift him to the other side where he immediately latched on and resumed nursing.

“Did you know the Doctor before he…regenerated?” Rose asked stumbling over the unfamiliar word.

“No, I didn’t. I’ve seen a photograph though. He was a very different man physically.”

“He was a very different man emotionally, too,” Rose said. “At least from what I’ve seen.”

“Did he love you then?”

Rose looked down. “I loved him. I think that he loved me but…he never wanted the domestics in the TARDIS. This whole idea of us being married and having a baby and living a family life together…it’s so odd. I mean, I think he would have been a fantastic father. I saw him hold a baby once. Well, it was me actually, we went back in time, but anyway, he looked right holding a baby. But I don’t think he ever would have let me get that close. I wonder what changed him so much?”

“Almost losing you. Then actually losing you. Then getting you back. The man is devoted to you, Rose. You’re the love of his life. If you can, if you’re able, give him the chance to win you back,” Donna encouraged.

“I can’t believe I’ll never get to see my Doctor again.” Tears came unbidden to Rose’s eyes.

“He’s right here, Rose. Everything that he was when you knew him he still is,” Donna said.

“Before he was the Oncoming Storm. Now he’s just sort of the Oncoming Puppy Dog Eyes,” she said.

“You haven’t seen him get angry,” said Donna. “Not that he’s ever been angry at you,” she reassured hastily. “Not that I’ve ever seen.”

“That’s a switch,” said Rose. “He used to get angry at me all the time.”

“Well, now he has me to get angry at. You, he just adores.”

“He…he really does? Love me?”

“There’s no question of it, Rose. Plus, the two of you were always going at it like rabbits. Console room, shower room, the garden. I can’t count the number of times I walked in on you two,” Donna teased lightly. “And if the shouts of ‘oh, Doctor!’ and ‘yes, yes, yes!’ were to be believed, you rather enjoyed yourself.”

Rose blushed. “There’s a garden? On the TARDIS?” she asked, focusing on the irrelevant so that she didn’t have to think about what else Donna had just said.

“Yes. The TARDIS made it for you and the Doctor as a wedding present. There was always a little one apparently, but this one is huge and so beautiful. It’s like being outside. Parts of it are like visiting the Doctor’s home planet.

Vandarian pulled away from her again. “Is he done then?” Rose asked.

“Probably. You need to burp him, though.”

“Oh. Right. Sorry, I grew up an only child and I’ve always been rubbish around babies. Didn’t babysit either. I wasn’t exactly reliable at that age. Any idea how? I feel so bloody useless at this!”

“It’s all right, Rose,” said Donna calmly. “Just lean him over your shoulder a bit and you can either pat his back or rub circles until he belches. He doesn’t get as much air as a bottle-fed baby would so one or two little burps are all you can expect.”

“What if I can’t do this? Being a mum, I mean? What if I mess it up?” Rose worried, suddenly sounding very young.

“You’ll do fine, Rose. You will,” Donna reassured.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you to help me, Donna. Thank you.”

“You’d still have the Doctor or your mum.”

“I can’t rely on my mum. I’m sure we’ll be travelling soon. The Doctor never was one to stay in one place for long. We’ll be on our way any day now,” Rose said.

She smiled when Dare burped, continuing the gentle patting a bit longer. “So you’re going to stay with him?” Donna asked carefully.

“Of course, I’m going to stay,” Rose said indignantly. “I may not remember being married to the Doctor, or even remember this Doctor at all, but he’s my husband, and this little one is most definitely my child. The link to him is very strong. I can’t walk away from them. I won’t. It’ll find a way to work itself out. We just need time.”

“You don’t know how relieved I am to hear you say that,” said the Doctor as he stood in the doorway to their room. "Got nothing but time. Time Lord, me." He gave her a gentle smile and hesitantly she smiled back.

Ch. 3&4:  http://amberfocus.livejournal.com/79929.html  


 

Comments

[sunnytyler001.livejournal.com]

Brilliant story! I can't wait for more!

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[electrictoes.livejournal.com]

Oh, this is just beautiful. It's rather heartbreaking, but very beautiful.

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Thank you. It does have it's angsty moments.

[angel932.livejournal.com]

Yipeeeee! Great new story from amberfocus! Hooray!!

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

*smiles* Thanks.

[wiggiemomsi.livejournal.com]

I've always just loved this story to pieces. Best of all is:

'“Before he was the Oncoming Storm. Now he’s just sort of the Oncoming Puppy Dog Eyes,” she said.'

Whenever I read what you've posted here, I try to go back to Teaspoon and re-re-re-re-read the whole thing there!

*Hugs*

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Yep, this line is why I made this icon!

[kk-animation.livejournal.com]

I have no words at the moment. This whole story just has me... again no words. I'll just leave it as I love this story.

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Ah, thank you. Lots of angst and love in this story. I'm glad you are enjoying it.

[housemaid79.livejournal.com]

“Before he was the Oncoming Storm. Now he’s just sort of the Oncoming Puppy Dog Eyes,”

You have no idea how hard I laughed at that line!

Seriously though, I am loving this story. You've done a great job showing the differences in their relationship that four years can make. Poor Rose - missing "her" Doctor and not in the right mental space for the intimacy of a married relationship with this Doctor. And poor Doctor! The love of his life doesn't even recognize him... I can't wait to see what happens next!

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Yes, I think that's my favorite line of any I've written in any fic ever. *grins* But, it's so true. I even made an icon out of it.

Thank you. There was definitely a huge difference between early Nine/Rose and where they'd got to before this happened. They'd got to everything before the Doctor Dances/The Empty Child so there were definitely feelings but nothing had been truly realized yet and that's Rose's head space for this. Rose is just sort of overwhelmed. Fortunately he's a very patient man.