Hunger Moon (27/?)

[amberfocus]

                                                                                                    banner by angelfireeast

A/N:  The Doctor and Rose talk things out.  There's smut towards the end, so the chapter is not work or child friendly.

                                                        Chapter Twenty-Seven: Still so New

“I’m sorry,” the Doctor said. “I’ve spent so long with only myself to trust and you and I, despite the bond, we’re still so…new. I…we…”

“We fell in love so quickly,” Rose sighed. “And it’s not like we really had the chance to get to know each other as well as we should have done,” she added.

“Yeah. You suddenly appeared in my life and I,” he paused and thought for a bit. “Even though I knew instinctively that you were different, special from the start, even though we’ve spent hours and hours talking to each other since then, it…” He trailed off.

“It doesn’t really take the place of time, does it?” she answered softly.

“No, it doesn’t.”

“Does it change things?” she asked hesitantly, biting her lip and failing to meet his eyes. “Between us, I mean? Realizing that?”

“No. Rose, no.” He put his hand under her chin and raised her face so he could meet her eyes. “Please, I don’t want you to ever worry about that. I love you. You’re my wife. Nothing is going to change that,” he said. “We just need that time to fully trust.”

“But I trust you,” she said. “I don’t have any doubts in my head at all. You’re the one with doubts. I know you won’t ever be unfaithful to me. Not because you can’t, but because you wouldn’t. You’re not that kind of man.”

“I’m not, but…do you know that because of me, or are you sure of it because of him?” he wanted to know.

“Him?” Rose looked at him blankly.

“The other one. The other me. The one you lost,” he said.

“The other you wasn’t exactly what I’d call faithful to me, Doctor,” Rose said with mild irritation. “We weren’t…we were never lovers but…we were together; all but the shagging. And he…his eyes wandered. He flirted and he left me behind or sent me away and I thought, more than once I thought that I’d never see him again. No. Believe me, I’m not comparing you to him. I’m not trusting you because I trusted him. I might have loved him, but he broke my heart more than once. I don’t think you’re even capable of breaking my heart,” she told him. “And you need to trust that I’m not capable of breaking yours.”

“I trust you with my life,” he said slowly.

“That’s not the same thing as trusting me with your emotions, though, is it?” she questioned.

“Do you trust me with yours?”

“I’ve let you into my head, Doctor. More than once,” she reminded him.

“Yeah, but to heal you, or during sex. Never just to…”

“To what? Take a wander? Nose around? Is that what you want? Full access to every part of my thoughts? Because that’s not going to happen. I don’t have any secrets from you, Doctor, but that doesn’t mean I want you to know what I’m thinking every single second,” she explained.

“I don’t want that,” he protested. “I want…sometimes it would just be nice to exist within each other’s minds. Not just because we’re making love. Not just because you’re hurt and need me to fix you. Not just because I need to put in blocks to keep others from getting in. Sometimes it would just be nice to…I’m not explaining this right at all.” He sighed and shook his head, rubbing his hand over his face.

“I guess I don’t understand.”

“It’s…seeking full rapport. Just being in that mental space with you. It’s not invasive, I promise. But there is no holding back, no worrying about the outside world. We’d just be existing as our personalities, sort of all wrapped up around each other,” he said.

“That doesn’t sound bad,” she said.

“Maybe when this is all over, when we have the chance to be alone and in a fully safe environment, you’ll want to try it,” he said hopefully.

“Maybe.” She bit her lip, still uncertain.

“I think it would go a long way towards stilling my fears,” he admitted.

“You’re afraid?”

“Of losing you,” he said so softly she almost didn’t hear him.

“To Davin?”

“No. I don’t like him around, I don’t like the instincts it raises up in me, but it’s far different, this fear. Rose, I’ve only had you for a couple of months now. I’ve been on me own far longer than was ever a good idea and I’ve gotten…now that I have you, I’ve gotten…”

“Dependent?” she asked.

“Yeah. To the point where losing you--.”

“You’re never going to lose me.”

“Rose, we can’t know that,” he said. His voice was suddenly thick with emotion.

“No!” she insisted fiercely. “You’re not gonna lose me! I’m not leaving you and you’re not leaving me and nothing is going to tear us apart. The universes owe us this! And besides, it’s destiny.” He made a sour noise at the word destiny and she glared at him. “We are! It’s written across the fabric of space and time. The Oncoming Storm and the Bad Wolf. We made those choices at the end of the Time War. Romana has said as much and my vague recollections as Bad Wolf line up with what she told us. We are because we made it so, or we will yet make it so. That part’s still confusing, but we’ve got too much to do and we are going to do it. Together.” Her determination was firm.

“Rose. Time isn’t static. It’s constantly being rewritten. We can’t know--”

She crossed her arms and glared at him. “We can,” she insisted. “You and me, this you and this me, are fixed. Not fixed points in time, but fixed points in the fabric of reality. I know it. I know, Doctor.” For a moment her eyes took on an otherworldly golden glow and sparks raced across her skin. “I know,” she repeated once more. “Believe in me.”

The Doctor nodded slowly and the gold began to dissipate. “Wish you wouldn’t do that.”

“What?”

“Go all golden like that.”

“Did I?” she asked and sighed when he nodded. “It’s not so much under my control when my emotions get out of hand.”

“You’ll have to learn to control it, Rose. Do that in front of the wrong people and you’ll end up on a dissecting table somewhere. And I’m not just talking about on Earth,” he told her.

“It only leaks out around you,” she protested.

“Yeah, well, you’re almost always around me, aren’t you?”

She nodded. “I have learned to control it during sex. Channel it, focus it. Don’t know why. It just seems easier then.”

“Because you feel completely safe when we make love,” he said. “But when we argue, not so much.”

“I don’t feel threatened by our arguments,” she said.

“Not threatened, no, but it heightens your anxiety, doesn’t it? Makes you worry about us when we’re not on the same page?” he asked.

“Well, yeah, but that’s pretty normal.” She sighed. “We’re never going to see eye to eye on some things…like Davin.” He started to say something and she held up her hand to stop his words. “Look, I will try my best to stop worrying about him and you…you have to try your best to keep your animosity towards him under control. He’s a good man. I think even you can see that if you stop feeling jealous long enough to admit it.”

“I know he’s a good man. That’s never been the issue. I just…Rose, I’m sorry. Achieving rapport with you would help make that go away. So would finding the man another woman,” he said.

“He’s got a broken heart. He’s not going to just throw himself into a new relationship,” she said.

“Doesn’t have to be a relationship. He just has to have sex with someone. That’s enough to break the territorial impulses from his attachment to you,” the Doctor replied.

“Yeah, well, that’s not going to happen. He’s not the sort to just go out and pull a woman even if he easily could,” she said.

“Too bad,” muttered the Doctor.

“What, you want him to be that sort of man? What would that have said about me being involved with him?” she asked.

“Now, you’re getting into the hypothetical,” the Doctor complained. “There’re enough issues here without inventing more.” Rose’s eyes narrowed, but she didn’t comment. The Doctor rubbed his hand through his hair pushing back his fringe. It was getting too long. He’d really need to see about getting it cut soon. She frowned and brought her mind back to the conversation as his eyes found hers. “Can we just…can we not fight about this anymore tonight, Rose?” he asked her.

“Yeah,” Rose said. “I’m tired.” She stood up and made her way into their bathroom. “I’m going to take a shower,” she called over her shoulder. Maybe the hot water would help her to relax, to get over this strange tension that was filling her over their argument. She sighed heavily as she slipped out of her clothes and into the soothing, steaming cascade. The TARDIS, when she wasn’t annoyed with Rose for sexual shenanigans in unacceptable places, kept it to the temperature she liked best. She sent a quiet thank you to the ship and was rewarded with a gentle increase in the general humming tone of the ship.

She wondered if the Doctor would join her. He usually did, but with the way emotions were running between them she wasn’t sure he would tonight. Rose hated the thought that anything might come between them, especially something that should matter so little, but seemed to matter too much. She didn’t like to think anything could change their sex life, but she knew if one thing could it would be trust issues.

Maybe she should just let him in to her mind to seek this rapport that he wanted so badly. It bothered her that she still couldn’t let go, quite, of what the Teroc’manu had accidently done all those years ago. The Doctor had healed her of the residual damage and he’d taken away so much of her fear, but that tiny, niggling bit remained. She’d had her mind torn apart from the inside out and it took more than a bit of reassurance from him that he’d not be invasive with it. With sex it was overwhelming enough, but the bond was protecting her. She didn’t know if there would be any barriers left if they found rapport.

She was a bit afraid of letting the last of her barriers down. If he saw her fully for whom she was, what she was, would it still be enough for him? The power of Bad Wolf notwithstanding, she still felt like a bit of an imposter. How could this man, this wonderful, beautiful, alien man ever think she was enough if he finally saw that frightened little girl cringing in the back of her mind? Would their bond be powerful enough to keep a Time Lord happy?

Rose closed her eyes and ducked her head under the powerful stream of water before pulling back out and reaching blindly for the shampoo. It wasn’t underneath her fingertips and she moved back a bit more to search for it and ran into something solid, before feeling hands move to her hair and begin massaging it. “Doctor?” she asked, startled.

“You were expecting someone else?” he asked in an amused voice.

“I just…I thought maybe after our argument…you wouldn’t want--.”

“Rose, I will always want. I could feel your uncertainty through the link. Not your thoughts, just your emotions,” he hastened to reassure her. He rubbed the shampoo through her hair and then nudged her forward into the water to rinse.

Although it had become quite normal for them to make love in the shower, the washing was more methodical than anything else. The Doctor didn’t try to push himself on her and she almost felt shy, holding back herself. It wasn’t that she didn’t want him, because she did. It just seemed awkward for the first time. When he’d finished drying her off and they’d returned to the bedroom Rose slid into the bed and under the covers.

“Are you coming to bed tonight?” she asked him.

“Did you want me to?” he asked.

“If you don’t mind,” she said hesitantly.

“Of course I don’t mind,” he said. He slipped into bed with her. Rose lay beside him feeling a bit nervous. They were both naked from the shower but it was almost like they were afraid to touch each other. It was ridiculous. Just because they’d had a disagreement didn’t mean that their whole relationship had suddenly changed.

“What’s wrong, Rose?” the Doctor asked.

Rose let out a deep breath and then turned onto her side and propped her head up on her hand to look at him. “We…are we okay?”

“’Course we are.”

“But we didn’t exactly resolve anything. You just…wanted to quit talking about it so we quit talking about it.”

The Doctor sighed and turned towards her. “I was tired of getting nowhere, Rose. We’ve just been going round in circles. Do you really want to keep rehashing it?” His steel blue eyes fastened onto hers.

Rose frowned. “Not really. I don’t like fighting with you.”

“Hardly the first time we’ve had an argument, Rose,” he pointed out.

“It is since we bonded.” She bit her lip and his eyes dropped to watch her mouth before slipping back up to meet her eyes.

“Married couples fight,” he said.

“We’re not--.” Rose stopped herself before she said the word married. She knew that they were in his mind. She wished that her own mind was as quick to accept that bonding equaled married. She glanced down at the band on her wrist and then at the engagement ring on her finger. She did think of him as her husband most of the time, but…why couldn’t she get past the fact that they still didn’t have that little piece of paper that said what they were to each other here on Earth? That because they hadn’t sworn their commitment to each other in front of witnesses it didn’t quite count?

She swallowed hard, hoping he couldn’t pick up any leakage from her thoughts. She never wanted him to think she felt that their relationship wasn’t enough for her just the way it was. Damn her insecurity issues. That definitely stemmed back to the other him, where she had been his girlfriend in everything but name. And the shagging. Now she had the name, wife, but sometimes wondered if she had the full reality. Being with the other Doctor had taught her that she didn’t want to settle for less than everything with this Doctor.

The Doctor eyed her steadily, his expression unreadable. “Couples fight, Rose,” he said finally. “Married or not.” There was hurt in his tone and she could feel him pulling away from her emotionally. Damn it, had he heard her thoughts after all? She reached for him and he steadied as her hand fell against his chest.

“I don’t want to fight with you,” she said running her hand across the sparse smattering of hair between his pectoral muscles and up onto his shoulder then slowly down his arm until she reached his hand. She twined her fingers through his. “I want this all sorted so it doesn’t mess up what we are.”

The Doctor shifted his body and brought his free hand up to cradle Rose’s face. As she had sought to reassure him earlier he now sought to do the same. “This is nothing, Rose. Just a blip. We’re not going to fall apart because I’m jealous of Davin McBain or because you can’t stop feeling guilty over leaving him. I promise you. What you said earlier about me being your soul’s mate is just as true for me.”

He brought their joined hands up to his mouth and kissed her knuckles. “Yeah?”

“Yes.” He removed the distance between their bodies then, pulling Rose into him and bringing his mouth against hers. He kissed her gently, so softly it felt like the first time he’d done it, his tongue sliding along her bottom lip and seeking admittance. She sighed into him and opened her mouth. He moved against her tongue with slow, even strokes and his hand came free of hers, moving to cup the side of her breast.

His fingers moved with infinite tenderness, ghosting across the rounded flesh, down the side of her body to her hip and back up again. Rose made a strangled sound deep in the back of her throat, hesitation and doubt suddenly deserting her as she felt his reassuring presence hovering just outside her conscious awareness. She lost herself in the feelings his touch was bringing up in her and when he finally broke the kiss she followed him, seeking another.

Instead he brought his mouth down on the side of her face, tracing her jaw line up to her ear and then trailing his lips down the side of her neck. She arched her head back, exposing her throat to his tongue and the gentle scrape of his teeth as he settled over her pulse for one long minute.

His thumb found her nipple and it rose up under the pressure of his circling motion. He pushed her fully onto her back and tripped his way down to her other breast, sucking the free nipple into his mouth until it was harder than the other one and Rose felt the soft ache of desire begin between her thighs.

Sensing her need his hand slid from her breast to her stomach and through the soft patch of curls. Gently the Doctor teased his way through them and found her clitoris, his index finger beginning the light series of touches that always stoked the fire within her higher. Rose let out a soft hum of pleasure.

She wanted another kiss so she brought her hands to the sides of his head to pull his face up to hers and found herself pulled into a colorful flush of emotions, having unexpectedly entered his mind. A moment later she found his cool tongue doing battle with hers once again and she felt the tension leaving her body as he sucked and licked and stroked inside her mouth.

The Doctor didn’t attempt to enter her mind in return, simply let her be there in his, getting used to the sensation. They’d had psychic sex a few times after the bonding, but not since they’d left the planet of the drayguins. This wasn’t quite the same thing, and Rose had never initiated the mental linkage before. She’d not even been aware she’d had the ability. She could sense that the Doctor was longing to do it again, to open a two way connection. It wouldn’t be the rapport he was seeking, but maybe it would be enough to help them reconnect to each other.

She reached for his hands and brought them to her temples and let him in. The link fully established, he dropped his hands back to her body and she began to let hers roam his as the sensations swirled through her brain on an entirely different level. Even with her eyes closed she could see the rivers of gold and silver running from beneath the touch of their fingers as they drew lines across each other’s bodies.

Scents that she identified as uniquely the Doctor overwhelmed her senses and every touch was amplified. As his fingers moved between her thighs she whimpered and as he slipped a finger inside her she spread her legs to grant him better access. He bathed her in thoughts of his love and adoration for her, of his needs and wants and hopes for their future. Rose relaxed under the onslaught of his desires and tried her best to redirect her own thoughts in his direction, to echo the emotions he radiated to her.

He moved over her body then and she felt him pushing into her, beginning the age old rhythm of the lovemaking that had become so familiar between them. He took her slowly and steadily and she held him tightly to her, arms wrapped around his shoulders, holding him so close not even air was between their bodies. Her legs were tight around him, her heels resting against the backs of his knees as he thrust into her.

The Doctor kissed her again and again her senses swirled away into the strange flickering of gold and silver, the smell of jasmine, honeysuckle, oranges and roses overwhelming her. That, she knew, was how the Doctor identified her own scent within his mind. A sudden swish of blue and green rumbled through her and then suddenly she was coming hard and fast, clenching tightly around the Doctor’s penis and triggering his orgasm.

When her convulsions ended and she had drained his reserves she didn’t let go of him. She held him to her and instead of breaking the connection of their minds, she allowed it to continue until the Doctor was ready to withdraw. Both his mind and body pulled away from her at the same time and she reluctantly let him go, suddenly coming back to herself as he plopped down on the bed beside her. She was sweaty and sticky and she could feel his semen staining her thighs but she didn’t care.

Rose rolled back into him, wrapping her arm about his waist and throwing her leg over his thigh. They both needed to clean up, but it could wait. For right now she didn’t want to let go of him. And neither, it seemed, did he want to let go of her.

Ch. 28:  http://amberfocus.livejournal.com/288625.html