Of the Vortex Born: Chapter Twenty-five

[amberfocus]

Chapter Twenty-five:  Decision

Rose had drifted off to sleep, the stress of the past several days having finally left her body. The Doctor cuddled her closely, wondering how he would ever let her go again if she chose to stay behind and feeling an intense fear rise up in him that he would have to. He brushed her sweaty curls away from her face and kissed her forehead. He loved her more at this moment than he ever had in his life and he didn’t know if he could bounce back from losing her for a second time.

For a moment he wished he hadn’t brought Luke with him, that he didn’t have the responsibility of returning the boy to his mother. But it was a bad thought really, because if Luke hadn’t been with him, Jamie would have gone through her ordeal all by herself and he’d never wish that on anyone, let alone his little girl. His little girl. He had children again. Children! Rose’s children. And she was pregnant again. His hand moved down to her belly.

He talked about having a responsibility to the other universe as much as Rose did to this one, but he’d throw it over in a heartbeat to stay with her if he could. He wouldn’t take Luke away from Sarah Jane though. She’d lost too much else in her life and never thought she’d get to be a mother until Luke came into her life. He wouldn’t do that to her. And he couldn’t leave Sarah Jane stranded on an alien planet either. He just couldn’t. No matter how tempting.

The Doctor stared up at the ceiling. He still didn’t even know how he’d come through to this universe or if there was even a way of getting back. The TARDIS still needed repairs. The Ganyites were still lurking on the edges of human space and needed to be dealt with for their role in trying to destroy the moon colony. And pretty soon he and Rose were going to have to get out of bed and put clothes back on. At the moment this last thing was the most troubling.

Rose sighed and pressed her body closer to his, which he wouldn’t have actually thought was physically possible until she’d done it. He felt so close to her, closer to her than any other being he’d ever known. And yet he’d held back. He’d held back that piece of him that would have seared through her mind and life bonded her to him forever. He hadn’t wanted to. Oh, he hadn’t wanted to.

He wanted the final intimacy with her, one he’d never had with anyone, even his long dead wife. He craved it desperately, but creating that link would have made it impossible for him to leave her. He was becoming surer and surer of what she would say, her reluctance to broach the subject becoming more solid between them each day.

Making that link would have left her unable to ever move on with her life once he did go, never able to love someone else while he lived. He couldn’t do that to her. Couldn’t make her live like that, live like he had been for the past eighty-seven years. Because even without the bond, he already knew he’d never be able to love anyone else whether Rose still lived or not. No one else would ever hold her place in his heart.

The Doctor tried to push his emotions back down under the surface, chastising himself for being maudlin. But damn it, he loved this woman and he wanted her, wanted her for the rest of their lives and he could have had her because she was like him now, able to regenerate, there could be a forever and she was his! She was his Rose, always had been but was more so now and he couldn’t stand the idea of losing her. But he was going to. Because defending this Earth was something she couldn’t give up. It was ingrained in her now and he was simply an old habit she’d been reluctant to break. This session of loving had been her way of saying good-bye to him. He saw that now.

Slowly he eased himself away from her and slid out of bed. He turned to look back at her and bit by bit allowed himself to start closing down. Making love to her had been a mistake. A beautiful mistake, but wrong nonetheless. He’d let himself lose his emotional control and he couldn’t have that. He wouldn’t be able to function when he lost her. He wouldn’t be able to go on without her. Carefully he locked down the memory, deadened it in his mind, and walked into the bathroom. He turned the water in the shower up as hot as he could stand it and proceeded to wash every trace of Rose Tyler off of his body.



Rose was surprised to wake up alone in the bed. She was cold and naked and the Doctor hadn’t bothered to cover her when he’d left her. She stumbled towards the bathroom door, her legs not quite functioning adequately after their vigorous loving. He wasn’t there but the bathroom was still steamy so he must have left it not too long ago. She sighed. She would rather have liked to take a shower with the Doctor and treat him to some of the ecstasy he’d given her with his tongue.

She showered the sweat away and thought long and hard about what she was about to tell him. She’d made her decision. When the path between universes opened up again she was going to go with him. In her heart she knew that there had only ever been one decision. She’d been lying to herself when she’d thought she could ever stay behind just to defend her adopted home when she could finally have everything she’d ever dreamed of, everything she’d ever wanted.

Rose dressed and dried her hair as best she could with his thick towels, and managed to yank her way through her curls with his comb. Then finally she went in search of the man who was everything to her. She found him under the TARDIS console, his legs sticking out into the walkway. The image brought back such an intense flash of memory that she twitched.

“Doctor?” she said her voice low, sensual, and happy.

“What is it, Rose?” he asked. She frowned at the flat tone of his voice.

“Can you come out?” she asked. “I’d like to talk to you.”

“Can it wait?” he asked irritably. “I need to keep going on these repairs. The TARDIS won’t fix herself, you know.”

“It’s important,” Rose said.

“Well, so is this,” he snapped.

Rose’s breath hitched in her chest. He had sounded almost angry with her. “Are you…are you mad at me?” she asked him.

“Why would I possibly be mad at you?” he asked but his inflection indicated the opposite of his question.

“I don’t know why,” she said. “Did I do something wrong?” She bit her lip. She suddenly felt like a nineteen year old girl again after she’d just done something monumentally stupid and disappointing.

“No,” he said shortly. And then she knew.

“Oh,” she said. Her voice was heavy and she saw his legs stiffen at the hurt she couldn’t keep out of her voice. “I see.”

“You see what?” he asked, his voice still sharp with her.

“When it comes down to it, you’re just like Mickey then, aren’t you? You took what you wanted from me and damn the consequences to my hearts now that you’ve had it. So you’re done with me then, are you?” She fought hard to keep the sob out of her broken voice.

He started to work his way out from beneath the console. “No, Rose, I--,” he began in a softer tone but she cut him down cold.

“It’s okay. Better I know now before I throw away the rest of my life going back with you. I was going to go back with you. That’s what I wanted to tell you. But you…you don’t really want that do you? You just wanted what any man wants. So fix your ship, Doctor. Fix your ship and find a way to run away from me. Run across universes but I hope it’ll never be far enough for you to forget how you’ve broken my hearts. Because you have. And I’ll go find a way to fix the rest of my life. One I’ll be spending without the only man I’ve ever loved,” she told him. She made it to the door before the sob broke from her. Then she was gone.

Ch. 26: http://amberfocus.livejournal.com/137213.html