amberfocus | Post Pomp (15/22) (Reply)

A/N: Rose comes to a decision regarding her feelings and shares it with Mickey. But is it the right decision? Only time will tell.

Chapter Fifteen: Two Hundred Fifty-Seven Days

Didn’t think I’d ever be writing in here again, Cara. Now that I know you’re not really Cara, that the TARDIS was, it still doesn’t seem wrong to call you that. Ah, well. It doesn’t matter. I’ve the need to put down my thoughts on paper again so here they go.

Jack’s been gone two days now and all I’ve been able to think about is what he said to me just before he left. He wants me. He wants as many years as he can have with me. Even if he has to give me up at some point to keep the universe from going boom, he doesn’t care. He said that he’d rather take that time with me and give it everything he had, than never even try. Because even a limited number of years with me would be worth the heartache later. And he’d have the memories to sustain him.

And that’s the fundamental difference between Jack and the Doctor. Because he isn’t able to spend the rest of his life with me, the Doctor has always managed to keep that distance between us, afraid that if he gave in even for the limited time we have together, the hurt in the long run would be too painful to deal with. So why deal with it at all when he could run from it instead?

I’ve had a lot of time to think while I healed, think while Jack wooed me. And I’ve figured it out. The Doctor is so afraid of losing me that he wasn’t willing to try. And that is never going to change even if he did love me like I used to think he did. He’s put obstacles between us on purpose. He said he’d never leave me or abandon me, he said I was different, that he’d never do it to me. The fact that he eventually did was probably never his intention. No his intention is clear now and it wasn’t supposed to be about abandonment at all.

Instead he brought Mickey along to keep me from getting too close to him after his confession. It was a barrier, another form of protection for him to wrap himself in as he does with the layers of clothing he wears. Same as he used to do with his leather jacket. If there's enough armor involved he won't get hurt. And when it seemed like Mickey wasn’t going to be enough to keep me from getting close to him, he went off after Reinette. Oh, he might have thought he’d done it to save history, might have lied to himself enough to convince him of the truth, but I know. I think he wanted me to leave on my own.

I wish I’d known sooner. Maybe I wouldn’t have tortured myself with it the entire time I was starving to death. So the truth is that it comes down to a few simple matters. One, I love the Doctor and part of me always will. Two, he’s never going to be with me the way I want us to be together, whether he loves me or not. Three, I love Jack. Always have. In a different way, but I do. And this Jack, this young, beautiful man, I could be with him. I could stay with him. I could have a life with him. And it would make me happy.

I think that’s what I have to think about now. Making me happy. I’ve spent too long thinking about other people’s wants and needs. Jack has shown me my own value in the simple act of caring for me when he had no reason to. When I was shattered and frightened and dying, he found me and he brought me back to myself.

We almost made love. The night before he left he came to me and told me how he felt and we almost made love. I’m not sure what stopped me. I guess I didn’t think it would be fair to him until things were resolved with the Doctor. Part of me feels regret that I stopped, but I want to have no hesitation at all when I tell him what I’ve decided. I wasn’t sure then. Two days without him here, though and I’m sure.

I’ve made the decision. Once I have the chance to tell the Doctor good-bye, I’m staying with Jack. I have a real shot at love and I’m not going to throw it away because of an alien with a pre-adolescent case of ‘she likes me therefore I must run and hide before she kisses me,’ who then turns around and throws a fit when some other guy shows the least little bit of interest.

If he can’t follow through than I won’t wait anymore. It’s time I grew up and got on with my life. Too bad I don’t think the Doctor’s going to be a grown up about my growing up. But he had his chance with me. He had dozens of chances. Possibly hundreds. It’s not my fault he threw them all away.

Rose put the diary down and checked her watch. It was time to go see Mickey. Her feet had nearly worn a path in the corridor between her room and the infirmary on her daily trips to visit her best friend. Her body moved there automatically, her own strength restored enough to make the trip without help now.

Mickey was happy to see her. “I’m so bored, Rose,” he moaned. “I don’t think they’re ever going to let me out of this place.”

“You nearly died, Mickey,” Rose said.

“So did you and you’re out wandering about the place,” he complained.

“It was easier for them to fix me than you. Plus I had a head start while you were still frozen in time in the TARDIS. Just be grateful that they’re reversing the damage.”

“I suppose. So what’s with the super serious expression? I haven’t seen a look like that on your face since you made the decision to run off on me for the Doctor.” Rose looked down at her feet and Mickey reached out and tilted her chin up so that she was forced to look him in the eye. “Oh,” he said quietly. “You’re staying with Jack, aren’t you?”

Rose nodded. “I’m sure someone can get you back home when you’re healed if you don't want to stay here. If the Doctor won’t do it, then I’m sure someone in the agency will. They don’t really like people out of time.”

“I think you’re making the right choice, Rose. He left us to die and that’s not the kind of man I want to see you tied to. And I’m not just saying that because I lost you to him. Before, he made you happy. But you haven’t been happy with the Doctor for awhile now, have you?”

“No,” said Rose.

“And there’s no chance, no chance at all, that you’d come back to me?” Mickey asked. His tone was even but she could see a welling of emotion in his eyes.

Rose bit her lip. “I’m sorry, Mickey. I’ll always love you, but you and me, we were a lifetime ago. I don’t feel that anymore. I was a rotten girlfriend to you even when I did.”

“Don’t say that, Rose. You took care of me.”

“I know I did. Thing is, I should have let you take care of yourself. You’d have learned to stand up a lot sooner than you did. But without me, you did learn. You stand up tall now, Mickey. There’s so much in you, so much potential and you’re finally letting it out. I’m so proud of you.”

She reached forward and hugged him and her lips brushed briefly against his in a solemn good-bye they both recognized for what it was. “Can’t say I’m not jealous a bit, but if it has to be anyone, Jack’s a good bloke for it to be. He’ll make you happy. And that’s what you deserve.”

“When did you get so reasonable, Mickey Smith?” Rose asked.

“You’re not the only one who’s done some growing up this last year or two, Rose. Some things you make better because you can. Other things you accept because it’s right to do so. And still other things you let go because they’re not right anymore.”

“Guess we’ve both learned that.”

“Guess we have.”

“So if you’re sure, Rose, if you’re really sure, then don’t let anything change your mind. If Jack Harkness is what you want, then go for it. Grab on with both hands and enjoy the ride for as long as you’re given. Do that for me, Rose, and I’ll be happy, too.”

12. http://amberfocus.livejournal.com/42486.html