Take it Back (4/4)

[amberfocus]

 A/N:  LJ made me split the chapter in half because it was too long, so here's the other part as chapter four.

Chapter Four:  Answers

 

She followed him back to her room and heard him suck in a breath at the barren state of it when he noticed she’d packed up every single thing, the evidence of how ready she was to leave him.  Unable to stop herself she found her hand creeping out to comfort him.  She pulled it back sharply.  The Doctor strode into the room and retrieved a piece of paper from where it had fallen on the floor.  It had the word “Rose” written on it in big bold strokes.  He handed it to her and she sat down on the bed.

 

Her hands were shaking as she opened the paper and read it aloud.

 

“Rose,

 

“I went out for a few things, but I’ll be back in a couple of hours.  You’ll probably still be sleeping, but I didn’t want you to wake up and find me gone again and think the worst.  I know we need to talk.  Not sure how to, me, but I know we’re going to have to.  You’ll have to take the lead on that, I think.  Coward, me.  Just know, please know, being with you is amazing.  You’re amazing.  And I’m sorry.

 

“The Doctor.”

 

Rose gasped in a breath.  “You really weren’t leaving me?”  Her voice sounded so little girl lost and pathetic to her own ears, but the Doctor must have heard more in it because he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into his lap, cradling her gently against him.

 

“I’ve been an idiot.  I’m so sorry I ever made you feel like I didn’t want you.  Truth is, I want you so much it terrifies me,” he admitted.  She could hear his hearts thumping loudly where her head rested against his chest.

 

“You do?”

 

He kissed her hair.  “Yes, I do.  Always have done.”

 

“Then why did you leave me that first night?”  His arms tightened reflexively about her.

 

“You have to understand, Rose, I don’t just do that with anyone.  Sex is a survival thing for humans, but to my people it was a leftover from a day when reproduction occurred naturally.  It really wasn’t something that was done more than once by more than a handful of my people.  It was used only when a man and a woman were seeking full bonding, a mental and physical unbreakable link between them.  It was undertaken with the utmost reverence and secrecy.  It was…several steps above getting married.”

 

Rose gasped.  He shushed her.  “On your planet it’s become more than a survival instinct or the bond of matrimony.  It’s practically a sport.  There’s no sanctity to it anymore.  It’s all out on display; just in everything…it means nothing to most of you humans.  And it should.  You use it to buy and sell things.  You sell it, even.  You use it just to get rid of stress or boredom or to pass the time and it’s all so random, sometimes even your partners are random.  It should be the most important thing you can give each other.  But it’s not.”

 

He sighed.  “I thought…with you I thought it was different.  I thought you and I…I though it meant…”  He trailed off, bit his lip and started again.  “When you said it was fun,” he said bitterly, “that you enjoyed yourself, but not…”  He stopped for a long time before continuing on.  “I thought you gave yourself to me because you loved me, Rose.  And then you said that and I…I just got so angry, Rose.  Angry enough I caused an accident that blew up part of the TARDIS.  I didn’t want to say something to you I couldn’t take back; something that would make you leave me, because heaven help me, I couldn’t stand that.  But I couldn’t stay either.  Not when…not when it didn’t mean what I wanted it to mean.”

 

“So you walked away from me, left me alone and terrified, and when you did come back you said nothing at all?”

 

“Didn’t know what to say,” he said sounding ashamed of himself.  “It was just easier at first to let it go.  I knew I was hurting you, but I…”  He shrugged helplessly.  “I figured I could get the TARDIS fixed and then I could fix you and me.  Took longer to fix her than I thought and the mess between you and me had gone on too long and it was just impossible to breach the silence.  I tried.  A couple of times, I tried, but the silence had gone on so long and it was too hard.”

 

“You are an idiot,” she said softly.  “You almost succeeded in making me leave you.  The only reason I said it was fun and not that it was more than that to me was because I was so afraid of losing you if I showed you how much it meant to me.  I didn’t want to scare you off.  You’re always so skittish about emotions.  If I’d told you what I really felt after making love with you, I thought you’d toss me off the TARDIS and tell me to take my domestics with me.”

 

The Doctor winced.  “There’s something we need to get straight between us right now, Rose Tyler,” he said.  “I’m not ever going to throw you off the TARDIS.  This is your home for as long as you want it.  For as long as you want…me.”  His tone clearly told her that he knew how badly he’s botched things with her and that he didn’t expect she’d want him after this at all.  “I want you to stay with me.  I want you to be mine, but if you still want to go, I’ll take you back to Earth and let you leave me.”  He shuddered in rejection of the words that had come out of his mouth, but she knew he meant them.

 

“Oh,” she said, a little stunned by the enormity of all that he had just said.  She bit her lip and allowed herself to feel what was in her own heart.  “You can’t ever do that to me again,” she said firmly.

 

“Do what?”

 

“Any of it.  You can’t stop talking to me because I do something that upsets you.  You can’t walk out on me and leave me alone.  Even if you’re mad at me, you tell me so.  You tell me you need time and I’ll give you time, but you do not run away from me.  Not ever again.  I can’t go through that again.  I won’t.”  Her voice rang with strength.

 

“Fair enough,” he agreed.

 

“And if I tell you no, you’ll respect that.  It doesn’t matter what my pheromones tell you or whether or not you can smell me getting aroused by you.  You go by what I say, not by what you can sense.  Because no means no and you have to respect that with me, Doctor.  I insist on it.  It’s a deal breaker.”

 

“I promise.”  He tightened his arms around her.  “It won’t happen again.  Not any of it, but especially me disrespecting you saying no.  Or being arrogant about it, either, which I notice you left out.”

 

“Didn’t think getting you to promise not to be arrogant was doable,” she mumbled against him.

 

“Oi,” he protested lightly.

 

“So what do you feel for me, Doctor?  You said…that making love, it meant more to you…that it was something your people did because they wanted…”  Rose trailed off.  “I mean, if I’ve gone and married you in some Time Lord sex ritual, I think I ought to know about it,” she said seriously.  The Doctor tensed.

 

“I’m not good talking about things like this, Rose.”

 

“Shall I tell you how I feel then?”  He nodded.  “I think you’re the most infuriating, amazing, attractive man I’ve ever met.  You have a power to hurt me that frightens me to death and an ability to be tender that takes my breath away.  When things are good between us there’s nowhere I’d rather be and no one I’d rather be with.  I’m hurting and I feel all torn up inside my head, but there’s one thing that I know beyond anything else.  And that’s that I love you,” she told him.

 

“Don’t,” he said.  “Don’t love me, Rose.  I don’t deserve it.”

 

“I know you think that,” she said calmly.  She gathered her courage and kissed his cheek gently.  “Thing is, love isn’t about whether you deserve it or not,” she told him.  “It just is.  As for all the issues about sex, it’s the differences between cultures.  But…it meant plenty to me, Doctor.  It meant everything.  I’m not opposed to people using it for most of the things you said humans use it for, but for me it can’t be with just anyone.  It has to be with the man I love.  And almost from the day I’ve met you, that man has been you.”

 

“But Mickey…”

 

“Haven’t slept with him since ‘Run,’” she said.  “I fell in love with you.  I am in love with you.  Get used to it.”

 

“May take a bit of time,” he told her gruffly.

 

“I’m willing to give you the rest of my life,” she told him, “So long as you abide by the ground rules we put into place.  No running out on me, keep talking to me, no pushing yourself on me--.”

 

“I won’t.  I promised, didn’t I?” he said.

 

“You’re not the only one who’s skittish, Doctor.”

 

He sighed.  “I’m sorry.  Can you forgive me?  For all of this?  This whole mess?  Messing up everything between us?”

 

“Yes,” she said simply.  “You didn’t answer my question, though.  Does that Time Lord thing mean we’re married?”

 

“Not exactly,” he told her.

 

“What’s it mean, then?” she asked.

 

“It means I love you, too,” he said simply.  “Wouldn’t have been capable of making love to you if I didn’t.”

 

“Oh,” she said.

 

“Oh,” he echoed.

 

They sat in silence for a long time, him holding her on his lap, her curled into his body.  Finally she asked, “What was so important that you left me all alone in this bed?”

 

“Ah,” said the Doctor.  “I got you something.  It’s in the console room.”  Rose slipped off his lap and put her hand into his.  He stood up and led her back through the ship and picked up the bag he’d left on the jump seat.  He pulled out a wrapped box and handed it to her.  She pulled off the dark blue ribbon and the silver wrapping paper and opened the box.

 

She gasped as she held up the beautiful, golden sequined dress.  “It’s gorgeous,” she breathed.  “But what’s it for?”

 

“It’s part of an apology and part of something else.  Thought I’d take you out dancing to say I’m sorry for being such a useless git.”

 

“You don’t have to buy me things to apologize, Doctor.  Saying sorry and really meaning it, that’s enough.  But you hate it when I go dancing.”

 

“I hate watching you dance with other men,” he corrected.

 

“But you hate dancing yourself.”

 

“Not really.  Not if I’m dancing with you,” he told her.  “And it’s something you love.  I think it’s time, Rose Tyler, that you’re not just my dance partner.  It’s time for you to be my equal partner, in everything.”  His hand slipped into the bag again and pulled out a much smaller blue box, this one velvet and from a jeweler's.  He opened the box and pulled out the ring inside.  “If you want to be,” he added.  “Do you want to be?”

 

She nodded with tears in her eyes as he slipped the ring on the third finger of her left hand.  Maybe the Doctor wasn’t her Prince Charming and this only seemed like a happily ever after.  He was probably far too broken a man for this ever to rival a fairytale romance.  She knew they’d fight and shag and fight some more, but as long as he’d keep talking to her, they’d manage.  Despite all the heartache he’d put her through, she loved him and he loved her and now she knew it.  She knew he wanted her, knew he wanted her for always, and that he’d keep his word now he’d given it to her.  And that was enough.

 

She put her arms around him and kissed him deeply.  So deeply in fact that the console ended up being used for something it had never been used for before but most definitely was going to be used for again.  They never did go out dancing.