Doubt (1/6)

[amberfocus]

A/N:  This story took a little bit of a U-turn from the plan and what I may have said in previous answers to comments, but I think the plan benefits from that.  I will warn you that the ending of this chapter is very painful.  I'm issuing a tissue warning.  I will make it better, but it's going to take time.

                                                                         Chapter One: Decision

Terrible hurt fills Rose as she stands there frozen for one long minute. Dread pools in her stomach, near the source of the very thing she so desperately wants to talk about. Has she waited too long? She rushes out of the kitchen. How can he just walk away from her like that when she’s about to tell him the biggest thing that’s ever happened to her? The biggest thing that’s ever happened to them? Damn it, he’d wanted this baby!

 

She knew the Doctor had been devastated when he’d thought they couldn’t have children, when he’d had that brief hope alive for such a short, short while. And now, now that she knew they could, knew they in fact would, he suddenly turned into some kind of idiot for some reason she couldn’t fathom at all. One minute he’d been snogging her into next week and a few minutes later he’d become all weird and quiet and then left her smack in the middle of the most important conversation of her life.

The corridor is empty so she heads for the console room sure she’ll find him burying himself under the grating, hiding from…well, what? Her? But why would he choose to hide from her? It’s not like she’s done anything wrong. Unless he doesn’t want her anymore. She had been the one to initiate that kiss come to think of it. Maybe he just wants to be friends after all. Maybe he no longer feels chemistry with her in his new body. But no, that doesn’t make any sense. She’d felt his arousal and he had kissed her back rather desperately, kissed her until she was nearly senseless. Maybe he had kissed himself senseless, too. That might explain his current lack of it.

He isn’t in the console room, so once again she begins searching all his usual haunts to no avail. Her eyes are beginning to get hot as she holds back tears. He has obviously hidden himself too well for her to find him. Remembering where he’d ended up the last time she couldn’t find him she heads to the wardrobe room. “Doctor?” she calls out. There’s no answer but that doesn’t stop her from poking her head around to the aisle where he’d been before. He’s not there.

She wanders down to the place where he first kissed her of his own accord in this new body. Her fingers automatically reach for and find the soft, battered leather of his old jacket. She leans down and inhales the scent, the richness of the man he’d once been clinging to the leather, the distinctiveness of honey, sage, cinnamon and engine grease. He still smells like honey, cinnamon and engine grease, but that deep sage scent is gone, replaced now with something more like nutmeg or cloves.

Part of her wants to take his old coat from the rack and wrap it around her body, find the comfort of who he used to be, but she knows instinctively that if he ever finds her like that it will devastate him. She does not know what is wrong with her Doctor at the moment but she doesn’t want to add to whatever has suddenly made him hurt. She reluctantly lets go of the leather and turns away, heading back to the console room one last time.

He’s still not there. She makes a small sound of frustration then catches sight of his big brown coat. She remembers the picnic on New Earth before everything went weird because of Cassandra and she walks over to where it is sprawled over one of the rails. She remembers how he’d cuddled her inside that very coat a few brief hours ago. She picks it up and clutches it to her, inhaling the new scent of her new, new Doctor. It reassures her in a way that is almost as solid as his arms around her would. She holds it open and slips inside it, wrapping it snugly about her body.

With a sigh she decides to give up looking for him and heads to her room. She’s too tired really to even cry, not sure why he’s left her alone or hidden himself from her or done whatever the hell it is he’s done. She lays down on her bed and strokes her belly. “I love your daddy,” she whispers softly, telling her baby something she’s never been brave enough to say out loud to its father, “but I don’t think I’ll ever understand him.” She pulls a pillow up against her, hoping against hope that some time during the night he’ll join her. He doesn’t.




Rose pulls herself together with steely determination the next morning. She doesn’t know what is wrong with the Doctor, what has made him make the decision to stay away from her, and she can’t beat herself up trying to figure it out. It won’t do her any good to make herself worried or heartsick about something she can’t change. The stress can’t be good for the baby and anyway, if she knows the Doctor’s stubborn streak, he’s come to some conclusion in his own mind that she’ll never be privy to. He’s made up his mind about her and there’s nothing she can do about it, so she might as well get on with accepting the fact that he doesn’t want to be anything but friends anymore.

She really wishes he wouldn’t keep making these unilateral decisions, but in a way this one is her own fault. She hesitated too long and she lost him, but for the sake of the baby she’ll do whatever it takes to salvage the friendship. She still has no idea how she lost him. He’d really responded to those kisses like a drowning man to a life preserver. Perhaps that is it, though. Perhaps he is too afraid of needing her again like he did before when he was all ears and leather. Well, there’s nothing she can do about that.

If he doesn’t want to be her lover again then so be it. That doesn’t mean they can’t raise a child together. She’s seen people who were once lovers and managed to remain good mates co-parent children together. She would have wanted more for her child than that, but she’ll make the best of it. Maybe if she works on their friendship, always the heart of her relationship with the Doctor, it’ll be enough. They’ll muddle through and the child will have two parents regardless of how screwed up one of them is. She’s just not sure which one of them that is. Probably both of them.

She sighs and slips out of his jacket and folds it up, does her morning routine and then takes the coat back to the empty console room where she lays it down on the rail again. Rose heads to the kitchen next and is actually surprised to see him sitting at the table eating a bowl of cereal and flipping through what looks like a boring old textbook. She makes herself breeze into the kitchen and forces cheer into her voice. “Good morning, Doctor,” she says offering him a smile that she hopes doesn’t look as false as it feels.

His eyes narrow but he says nothing, instead grunting non-committally. She moves to the fridge. “I’m going to make myself an omelet,” she continues on. “Want me to make enough for two? We can share.”

“I don’t like to share, Rose,” he grates out.

She stills having not expected a response. Forcing herself back into motion she gathers together the ingredients she needs and plunks them down on the counter. “You’ve never minded before,” she says firmly, proud of herself for keeping her voice steady.

“I’ve always minded.”

She turns around and finds his eyes on her, dark and almost cold. “I can make you your own,” she says in a small voice, “if you don’t want…” She can’t finish her sentence, shifting under his gaze and turning back to the eggs. “Just tell me what you want.” Her voice breaks, her resolution to be strong and accepting drifting from her grasp.

“I can’t have what I want,” he tells her.

“I don’t think you know what you want,” she nearly whispers.

“I’ve always known,” he snaps suddenly. “You’re the one who doesn’t.”

Anger rises up in her. “Me? I thought I made it perfectly clear last night that I wanted you back in my bed. Same damn way that you made it perfectly clear that you changed your mind!”

“I didn’t change my mind!” he growls angrily.

“Then why are we fighting?” she asks furiously.

“Because I know, Rose,” he snaps.

“You know? You know what?” she asks in confusion.

“I know. I know that you’ve been lying to me,” he grinds out.

“I’ve never lied to you in my life,” she says in honest confusion.

“A lie of omission is still a lie, Rose,” he says.

She startles. He can’t possibly mean that he knows about the baby? How can he? She’s not said a word and the kisses last night were not enough contact for him to have dipped deeply enough into her mind to know. Were they? “Oh, I know, Rose,” he tells her bitterly. “How long were you going to try to keep it from me?”

“I was trying to tell you last night,” she begins tentatively.

“You were trying to tell me something that I don’t want to know anything about!” he yells.

She blanches at the anger in his voice. “But…I thought…I thought you wanted…”

“Why would you ever think that I wanted that?” he snarled. “The only thing I’ve ever wanted was you. And you…you go and do…this, behind my back.”

Anger floods her veins at his words. “I didn’t do this on my own, damn it. There were two of us involved.”

“Do you really think, Rose,” and he sneers her name in a way he’s never done before, “that I’m not aware of that fact? I know it intimately. And it sickens me. I wish I’d never found out. I wish it had never happened. But it has…and now you’re just going to have to deal with it.”

“Alone?” she asks violently afraid now.

“Oh, you’ll never be alone, will you, Rose? You’ll always have Mickey.” The words drop like bombs in the air and she stares at him in devastating shock. How can he possibly think that Mickey would want to raise his child? Even if her friend would probably be willing how would that ever be something she could do to him? Without another word she puts the ingredients for the omelet back in the fridge. She’s lost her appetite. She’s not sure she’ll ever get it back again.

She pauses in the doorway on her way out of the kitchen. “I thought I’d always have you,” she says.

“Even after this?” The shock in his voice overwhelms her.

“Let me know when we get to Earth. I’ll take care of it,” she says hardening her heart against the pain of the only decision she feels is left to her. “You’ll never have to deal with it again. And if you don’t want to, you’ll never have to deal with me again, either.”

Ch. 2:  http://amberfocus.livejournal.com/170459.html 

Comments

[corusca.livejournal.com]

:-o

I'm wearing a really, really sad face right now. That's /awful/! I...I don't have a Who icon that is sad enough for this story. I am going to have to seek out /yet another/ Who icon just to express the sheer SAD that this just made me. *beats the Doctor with a (really heavy) shoe*

[corusca.livejournal.com]

There. Sad Rose is rather fitting.

[doctor10-crazt.livejournal.com]

No, No, I-- No-- arggggg!!!

*sobs*

Glad I got that box of tissues.....

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Yeah, they were pretty necessary. I'm still reeling a bit from where my muses sent me.

[honorh.livejournal.com]

Ye gods. Put another chapter up pronto. I need some resolution!

He doesn't want to lose her, though. That might make him start acting a bit less thick-headed. But poor Rose! Thinking the Doctor doesn't want this child, that he's angry about it. I hope he feels properly guilty when he learns the truth.

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Oh, dear. Well, if he'd bloody talk to her. If she'd flat out say what was necessary, maybe they'd get through it a bit faster. Yes, he'll feel like hell when he finds out.

[grissom500.livejournal.com]

This is becoming Post-Pomp obsessive for me. WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND MAKING ME HATE 10? XD I'm a 9 fangirl wholeheartedly, but you make it realllly hard to like 10 sometimes.

But it's a good hurt. ;)

I do so love the angst.

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Goodness, is it that bad? Well, now I'm equal opportunity hate the Doctor making. I drove a lot of people to that with the first 15 chapters or so of You're What? before he straightened out and I made people love him again. Anyhow, thanks.

[wiggiemomsi.livejournal.com]

Lack. Of. Communications.

*Sniff*

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Pretty much a constant.

[beneficia.livejournal.com]

I agree with Corusca. There really isn't an icon sad enough for this. But I have faith that you'll fix it. Rose and the Doctor on the TARDIS as it should be.(and a baby still on the way, 'cause I see what you did there at the end, and I can understand Rose's concerns about having an alien baby, especially on her own, but she's already bonded with him/her, and while I know you're gonna put her through the emotional ringer of a lifetime, Rose has always done the brave thing, no matter how hard it is, and I know this will be no different. Plus, I don't know if even you could fix the aftermath of the Doctor and Rose realizing the whole truth. The Doctor would never forgive himself, and Rose would never forgive him or herself.)

You know, you write angst so very well, the only thing that makes up for it is how well you do make up fluff. So bring on the angst, but have that fluff prepped stat. We're gonna need it.

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes, I will fix it. How long I drag it out before I do is anyone's guess. Although I'm not sure how long that'll be given how much anxiety this fic is already giving me.

[editrx.livejournal.com]

You weren't kidding when you apologized for how sad and angsty this chapter would be, were you? Oh my, sad, sad Doctor, and sad, sad Rose, and sad, sad reader ...

(And yet, I can see why it "wrote itself" this way, as you said earlier about how this came to be: I've had exactly these sorts of mis-conversations with a guy [no, not about that, but about other things], and the dialogue is so very real here, I can see how it really couldn't have come out any other way and been at all believable.)

Please, next chapter soon? :)

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

No, I really, really wasn't. And the think is, I didn't mean to do this, it sort of made me. It just pushed and wrote itself and came out like this. I'm glad you find it so believable. Well, we'll see if the next one will write itself quickly.

OH DEAR!!!

[othermewriter.livejournal.com]

These two! Sighhh I know you better then to think that Rose gets far enough to carry out that threat. Just so want to whump them both up side the head. Hopefully the Doctor will be stupid enough to make some snide comment to Mikey that pisses him off enough for Mickey to tell him what a stupid git he is being about his baby. Won't that just put a spanner in the Doctor's brain works when he realizes that Rose is having his NOT Mickey's baby. Then there better be lots of groveling to make up for it (Great make up sex would be nice too). Arrrggg you got my brain going 10 million miles a minute. *stomps off to get some writing done, dragging muses by their furry bits for wandering off*

Re: OH DEAR!!!

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Yep, you do. That doesn't mean she won't get close, though. I'm not sure Rose is going to want to have makeup sex any time soon.

[soniced-up.livejournal.com]

Oh shit. Please let him come to his senses and stop her in time. You think he has guilt now? He'll never forgive himself if Rose....well, you won't let that happen.

You weren't kidding. That ending really hurt. Are you feeling better yet?

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

He's going to have guilt no matter what the outcome is. Yeah, it really hurt. I'm okay now. Being burying myself in Zeppy Fluff.

[ramblinsuze.livejournal.com]

*massive headdesk*

AAAAARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

I just want to shake some sense into these two. They never confirm anything. They just assume they know what the other is talking about and that is SO dangerous when it comes to things as important as this!

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

*laughs* Yeah, I know. They need some serious shaking. They are both being careless with things, but they both are hurting so badly emotionally they're not looking for clarification.

[rowofstars.livejournal.com]

Hehe. I love the way you almost toy with the poor Doctor by just letting him flounder in his own stupidity. Once again I can't wait for the moment where he realizes how incredibly thick he's been and has to face Rose (totally echoing the above sentiments regarding make up sex!!). Love it!

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Hmm...sounds like you might have a touch of an evil streak like I do. *grins* It's going to hit him pretty hard, certainly.

[lostwolfchats.livejournal.com]

Idiot bloody man!

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes! But Rose isn't thinking too clearly either.

[10-rose.livejournal.com]

For being as brilliant as he is, the Doctor sure can be a bit dense.

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Just a bit? He's running with his emotions and thinking entirely without the use of his brain.

[javabreeze.livejournal.com]

OMG! I.... *speechless*

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I kinda was, too, when it went there all by itself.

[salimali.livejournal.com]

*bangs their heads together*

Oh what have you done this time Doctor? *shakes head in desperation*

"“Let me know when we get to Earth. I’ll take care of it,”"

please tell me she isn't going to get rid of the baby?

Oh update soon, I don't think I can handle the upset anymore (I'm also happy that you promised to make it all better-eventually!)

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

It won't come down to that, I promise, but at the moment she thinks it is her only option. Honor has promised me Nine/Rose smut if I post an update within the next 23 hours so believe me I am working away rather feverishly at it.

[electrictoes.livejournal.com]

Oh, heartbreaking =(
Someone knock some sense into that man.

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

You have my permission to hit him with a rather large board.

[vickievrt.livejournal.com]

Oh Doctor, why are you so thick??
*sigh*

You REALLY don't like happy beginnings in your stories do you???

Great writing, I love it.

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Because it makes for good story-telling to have him be so dense about everything? Well, considering where the last one left off, I couldn't have much done a happy start to this one. But I do have some fics that start with happiness. Just not the ones categorizes as angst. *laughs* Thank you!

[wildwinterwitch.livejournal.com]

Oh noes! This is such a classic situation of misnderstanding, of talking at cross pruposes. And still it works perfectly for these two.

Oh, and she will take care of it. Now I know what that means. I'm so heartbroken for her that she even considers it, that she feels compelled to consider it.

Too bad I'll probably be off-line until Saturday...

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Glad you think so. And yeah, her taking care of it, even the idea that she feels she has to breaks my heart and it's my story. *shakes head*

Well, I imagine you'll have plenty to read when you get back then. I rather think this one will go fast. Ch. 2 is already with my beta and I've started on ch. 3.

[jesmel.livejournal.com]

The Doctor really needs his head bounced off the TARDIS console sometimes! I hope he is properly mortified when they finally have the conversation they need to.

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Yeah. To be fair we haven't been in his head yet in this story. That'll change some next chapter. Though you still may want to bang his head off the console. I don't think mortified will be the right word when he finds out. I think horrified and terrified will be closer to the truth.

[azriona.livejournal.com]

Hmm. This is not a job for stale popcorn. I'm thinking I need something heavier, and possibly a little bit sharp. Something like... ball bearings. With tiny spikes on them. Yes, that would do perfectly.

Of course, it's a matter of debate whether or not the Doctor is in more angsty pain now, or if he'll be in more angsty pain later, when he finds out that he had it wrong, and that Rose was to the point of "getting it taken care of", which, judging from your last post, is going to be a trip to the doctor. That's going to be some serious angst there.

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Or a cast iron skillet? He is in a lot of pain but he's also suffering from a bad case of righteous indignation and clouded judgment. He will end up going through a little bit of hell when he discovers what he's done.

[kneazle.livejournal.com]

Hhmm... and all it needed was one "Wait? Mickey? What are you talking about?" from Rose and then it would all spill out... jeez! Torture, you crazy author! I say torture! You love just pulling out that angst and everything.

I wonder if Sarah Jane is going to figure it out now... oh man, that could be an interesting conversation and whether or not she says anything.

That poor (well, maybe not, I'm losing sympathy for them both as this progresses as all I want to do is lock them in a room together to talk it out -- it worked well in Karen Marie Moning's time-travelling romance novels) man is going to learn what 'assume' really means: it makes a... well, we know how that finishes.

I think a smut!fic is well worth having another chapter posted soon. *Nods nods* Really. I do. *shoos* :)

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Well, but where's the drama in that? *smiles* I label these things as angst...I say the series is all about angst...and I write angst and everyone's all, but...it hurts. Yes, it does. That's the point. *giggles* So yes, torture is a good word for it, but am I doing it to you or are you doing it to yourself by reading it? Hmm? *grins* Well, I did just post chapter 2, though I have to warn you it made me cry when I was writing Rose's part of it.

[prynne12.livejournal.com]

Really...they both need to have some intimate contact with the Cast Iron Pans of Common Sense and Open Communication.

In point of fact, it may take repeated applications of said pans...

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Why, yes they do. They really do.

[starrynights24.livejournal.com]

*whimpers* Oh that hurts!

I'm not quite as furious with him, nor do I hate him quite as much as I hated Nine in You're What? (which is a pretty impressive feat since I absolutely adore Nine!), but it's getting pretty darn close! And I have a feeling that it'll be closer still before this is all done!

*whimpers more*

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

No, because here it is an honest misunderstanding and in You're What? Nine was being a git for no discernable reason other than he was afraid of screwing up. Here, if it was what Ten thought it was, he's a bit more justified with his behavior.

[audamy.livejournal.com]

*headdesk*

I just want to knock Ten about until he stops being so quick to make ridiculous assumptions.

This was fabulous though and I can't wait for more.

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Thank you. He does deserve a bit of thumping. And next chapter is up.

[chissel.livejournal.com]

Someone, somewhere must have an animated icon of ten getting smacked. Maybe from the Lazarus Experiment? Me needs. Me needs bad. Mostly for Amberfocus fic since she seems determined to make me crazy with the need to smack him.

And since we still have all of Doubt and into if not through the next one to go before the idiot comes to his senses...

Must find appropriate icon... For now I'll just use my sad TARDIS one.

Great chapter, as always. But can we hurry up to the happy please? Ooh! I know! For each of these chapters that devastates me, you must include a link to one of your fluffy ones for me to re-read to cheer me up.

Off to find my own this time...

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

*grins* That would be a fun icon. I know I've seen one at some point of Donna hitting him... Thank you and well, the happy is a bit off, but the torture continues in chapter two which is now up.