amberfocus | You're What?: Chapter Twenty-three

Reluctance

“I suppose,” the Doctor said eventually, “that if we’re going to do this, we should go.”

Rose was loath to move, and so it seemed, was the Doctor. She snuggled her body even closer in to his. “Just a little bit longer,” she said. “I need to rest a bit more. You wore me out.” His arms tightened about her. It was silly, but she wanted to treasure every moment of this accidental marriage, knowing she would never get this chance again for him to be her husband with the way he felt about opening himself up to the potential loss of another wife and a life so utterly domestic.

They lay in silence, each pondering their own thoughts. Rose wondered what he was thinking and wished so hard that she could read his thoughts. No matter what they were. Because at least then she’d know. He loved her; of this much she was utterly convinced. And he had seemed…so happy since the hand-fasting, even after finding out what it was. But he hadn’t said anything about letting it stand.

She wished that she were brave enough to bring it up to him. He’d been so different last night and maybe his views had changed, maybe he would want this after all. Her opinion on the matter had shifted. Wasn’t it possible that his had, too? Or perhaps he’d just gotten caught up in the heat of the moment. Rose fought hard against the inner voice that was telling her to just ask him, that it would be a relief just to know. But she was too scared. To open herself up to him that much and then to have him reject her again would devastate her.

It had taken so long to rebuild the trust between them and she didn’t know what she would do if her heart was shattered again by his refusal of her desire to stay married. She swallowed hard and fought down the instinct to tell him everything that she now wanted with him. It could never be. She knew that. But she wanted it. Oh, how she wanted it.

“Doctor? Rose?” Jack Harkness knocked on Rose’s bedroom door. He hated to intrude but the day was winding down and he knew that if his friends were to get to the magistrate’s office in time to annul their wedding they would need to leave soon. Although he really ought to just let them lose all track of time. But doing it that way would not force them to make the choice they each needed to make.

“What is it, Jack?” Rose’s muffled voice came through the doorway.

“You’re running out of time to get to the courthouse,” he called.

“Okay,” the Doctor said. He waited until he heard the sounds of movement through the walls and then headed back to the console room.

He shook his head reluctantly and stared hard at the central column of the console. “I hate to see them end this,” he muttered. “I just want to clunk their heads together and tell them to stop being so blind. It’s obvious they belong together.” He sighed and the TARDIS buzzed at him conspiratorially. She inserted the image of the Doctor and Rose into his mind. They were standing at the bottom of the ramp of the TARDIS trying in vain to open her front door.

“Don’t tempt me,” Jack said. “I’d love for them to miss the deadline, too, but if it happens that way neither one of them will have to admit what they really want. They’ve got to recognize it themselves. You know that.”

The TARDIS blew him a raspberry. “Yeah, I know. It could take months if we leave them to their own devices. But the course of true love never did run smooth. They’ve just taken it to a new extreme by adding in as many extra bumps as possible.” He sighed. “We have to trust them to figure it out on their own.”

She didn’t seem convinced and raised her central column with a loud grinding of gears. “As soon as they get back from getting this annulment, we’ll have to turn the romantic situations on them full fold. Between the two of us, they won’t stand a chance.”

If the TARDIS could have sighed, she would have. “You know I’m right,” Jack told her. With a slight grumbling sound she settled down into a half hum, half purr as Jack stroked one of the coral struts lovingly then leaned in and gave it a lingering kiss. The TARDIS purred louder.

“Jack, quit trying to seduce my ship,” the Doctor said as he and Rose walked into the console room and saw what Jack was doing.

Jack smirked at the Doctor’s statement and said cheekily. “Never. She’s a very beautiful lady.”

“Nevertheless she’s as off-limits as Rose,” he said bluntly.

“Not according to her,” said Jack.

“Jack,” the Doctor said warningly.

“Hey, if she’s not complaining, I don’t see why you are. She enjoys my attentions,” he insisted. The Doctor glared at him and he dropped his hands from the pillar. “Spoilsport,” he grumbled under his breath. “Shouldn’t the two of you be on your way?” Jack asked.

“Suppose so,” said Rose reluctantly. Jack studied her face for a moment. It was so clear she didn’t want to end this. If only the Doctor would take a look in her eyes there was no way he could miss it. But the Doctor was obviously stuck in his own thoughts of not wanting to do this.

He had to say something. He had to. “Doctor, Rose, I--.”

“Can it wait, Jack? We need to get this done,” the Doctor said heavily. Jack closed his mouth and shook his head.

“Go on,” he said. “I’ll see you later.”

The two of them left the TARDIS as if they were heading to an execution. Jack sighed as the doors shut behind the couple and he leaned his head heavily against them. The TARDIS hummed sadly. “I know,” he said. “I know.” He returned to her support strut and gave her another stroke. “We’ll figure out how to help them, but in the meanwhile, we have some time alone.”

The TARDIS blew another raspberry to let him know her opinion on that matter. “Can’t blame a guy for trying,” Jack said. The sound of the ship’s laughter echoed through his head as he headed off to the kitchen instead to get something to eat.

The Doctor didn’t mean to walk more slowly as they approached the courthouse, but as the building loomed in front of them dread filled his hearts. His tongue felt thick in his mouth and the words seemed to be clotting his throat shut as he tried to get them to emerge. He was desperate with how much he did not want to do this. He had his Rose in the center of his hearts, she was his wife, had been for several precious hours and he did not want to let that go. But it wasn’t about what he wanted. It never had been. It couldn’t be now. This was about Rose and what she felt comfortable with, not what his hearts demanded he do.

As they reached the base of the steps Rose stopped dead. He had continued forward and he had almost pulled her off her feet before he realized she was no longer moving. He turned back to look at her. “Rose, what--?”

“I don’t want to,” she blurted.

“What?”

“I’m sorry, I know this isn’t…but I don’t want to.” She turned and fled back the way they had come. She moved quickly for a slightly unwieldy pregnant woman, her body still well-conditioned from all the running they had done in their life together.

He stared after her, stunned at her admission, hope flooding through him and he gave chase, joy adding speed to his feet as he chased after his wife, savoring the sound of that little word as it echoed through his mind. It did not take him long to catch up to her. She’d never moved from his line of sight and the brilliant hot pink of her sundress made losing her in the crowd virtually impossible. She’d stopped on the edge of the marketplace, edging into the shade of one of the booths and leaning against the strong support pillar at the back corner.

She was crying. He pulled her into his arms. “Rose,” he began.

She interrupted him. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I just…give me a minute. I’ll be okay. I’ll go back with you. There’s still time to end this.”

“No,” he said. She froze against him.

“What?” Her voice was tiny, disbelieving.

“I said no.”

“But Doctor--.”

“No,” he said. “If this isn’t what you want, Rose, if you don’t want to annul our marriage than we won’t.” His voice was very firm.

“But that’s not fair to you!” she moaned against him. “You don’t want--.”

“Oh, yes I do!” he burst out. He pushed her back from him just enough so that she could see his face, but when she refused to look up he tucked one hand under her chin and raised it. She kept her eyes squeezed tightly shut. “Rose, look at me.” She shook her head in denial. “Look at me.”

Hesitantly she opened one eye and then the other. “I want to stay married to you.” He enunciated each word very carefully so that there could be no possible misunderstanding. “I want it very much. I’ve wanted to be married to you for a while, since I came to know my own mind. I was trying to figure out a way to say it to you before we got to the magistrate. I couldn’t get the words out. I was so afraid you’d reject me after everything I’ve done to you. And I…I know how you feel about marriage. At least, I thought I knew, but obviously I didn’t.”

“Changed my mind,” she mumbled.

“As did I!” he exclaimed earnestly. “You are my hearts and I don’t want to live without you in them. I love you, Rose Tyler. Please…be my wife.”

She smiled at him through her tears. “I am your wife,” she said. He gathered her tightly to him and ducked with her in between two tents, kissing her passionately and forgetting the rest of the world. The billowing fabric of Rose’s sundress came in quite handy in protecting their modesty but they still ended up in the magistrate’s office later that day anyway for a far happier reason than the originally intended one. They had to pay a large fine for indecent behavior in a public forum. Neither of them minded it one bit, especially since they hadn’t been arrested until after they’d both climaxed.

Ch. 24: http://amberfocus.livejournal.com/102880.html

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