amberfocus: (Rose with shadowed companions)
[personal profile] amberfocus


Confusion
 
The Doctor had quite carefully recommended that Rose take a shower to wash off the sweat of the day and the stickiness of their lovemaking, choosing words that looked after her comfort, in no way wishing to make her think he found her anything but pleasant and setting off another hormonal time bomb. He wasn’t sure he could be as patient as he needed to be with any more of her tears just at the moment and he’d made too much progress with her today to backtrack now. 
 
Truthfully, he didn’t mind Rose smelling of sex, but some of the more olfactorily inclined visitors to the planet might take offense. And where they were going next, he was pretty sure that might be an issue. He hoped desperately the surprise he had in plan for her would restore her equilibrium, though if it did then he might suspect it of having magical powers instead of just something that was a bit happy making. All he really wanted at the moment was for Rose to be happy. Well, happy and with him.
 
He nipped off to take his own shower, though he much rather would have shared one with her. She didn’t invite him to and he didn’t want to push the boundaries of their rather fragile new understanding. If he could even call it an understanding. He wasn’t sure he understood anything about what had just occurred between them. He worried a bit as he washed about Rose’s vehement statement that she didn’t want to be married. She hadn’t actually said she didn’t want to be married to him, just that she didn’t want to be married.
 
Not that he’d been asking her. He’d been trying to ease her mind about his commitment to her. That was all. He’d just been feeling out her opinions on the idea of permanently linking herself to him. It wasn’t like he’d been proposing. He didn’t want to be...well, he didn’t think it was time for…really, their relationship was fine as it had been before he’d messed up and they could get that back. They could easily carry it forward with a child, just this simple one on one relationship with lots of healthy shagging and…and…absolutely no way of telling the rest of the world to bugger off because Rose was his without actually saying the words.
 
The Doctor dropped the soap. Did he actually want this? He leaned his forehead against the shower wall and tried not to panic. He took in a deep breath. “Truth time. Start with what you know,” he said out loud. “You want Rose.  You love her, you need her, and you can’t lose her. You want this baby. You want to be a family. You even want more kids someday. With Rose. You don’t want anyone else to touch her or to love her like you do or to be with her. She’s yours. You want the world to know that she’s yours despite your pretty words to the contrary.”
 
He groaned and hit the wall of the shower. It was pretty damn obvious what he wanted here. “But I don’t do domestic,” he groaned. He was sure he heard the mind of the TARDIS laughing in his head as she placed the image of him sitting on the sofa with a baby in the crook of one arm, a toddler snuggled against him on his far side and Rose swollen in pregnancy with her feet in his lap smiling at him lovingly. His mind’s eye couldn’t help looking at the ring finger of her left hand.
 
“Not funny!” he told his ship when he saw the size of the rock there and his heart actually leapt. “I don’t want that,” he added half-heartedly. “Neither does Rose,” he added more seriously. The TARDIS blew him a mental raspberry and replaced the image with a tear-streaked Rose standing alone with a toddler version of Charlie watching his back as he walked away from her. “I really don’t want that!” he protested. “Isn’t there something in the middle?”
 
The TARDIS hummed soothingly at him and he was left with the very clear impression that yes, there was a middle ground but he was going to have to find it himself. “Fat lot of good you are,” he muttered. “I need help.”
 
The TARDIS flashed him an image of himself checking in to the psychiatric hospital on the planet Demantate. “Ha, ha, very funny!” His accent actually thickened on the last word. The TARDIS thought it really was. “Look, I don’t want to hurt her more than I already have done. And I don’t want to put pressure on her, but I don’t know what else to do.”
 
A clock slowly ticking by appeared in his mind. “Fine. I get it. Give her time.” The TARDIS made a noise of approval. “Do you think she’ll ever want to…to bond with me? Maybe? One day?” His mind was so lonely and the thought of having Rose filling the same empty space there that she had already filled in his hearts was enticing. A soft, whispered sigh wrapped around him like a hug, but if the TARDIS had any further opinions on the subject, she kept them to herself.
 
With a shrug he reached forward, turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. He rubbed himself down briskly with a towel and dressed in fresh clothing. He was wearing the emerald green jumper that Rose had bought for him on the planet Sarasota and claimed brought out the blue of his eyes and the tight pair of black jeans that she particularly liked. He made a short detour to the garden and plucked her a single brilliant turquoise orphelium because it was pretty, firmly convincing himself that the fact that it was a betrothal flower in this star system was entirely incidental and he couldn’t help it how other species might interpret her carrying it around with her tonight. With his shoulders squared he went to find her.
 
 
 
Rose frowned at herself in the mirror as she twisted her wet hair up into a knot on the top of her head and pulled out little tendrils to frame her face. It would dry soon enough; even the evening heat of this planet would assure that. Her hair needed something more. She wished that her little ringlet of flowers had survived her rather vigorous first encounter with the Doctor, but it hadn’t. She’d found it crushed in the bed linens, a casualty of their lovemaking.
 
She had placed her outfit in the fresher while she’d showered and it had emerged smelling sweet and clean when she’d emerged from the steam. She loved the way the fabric draped around her body, loved the sensuality of it, and loved the way it made the Doctor’s eyes glitter so darkly when he looked at her wearing it. His confession that seeing her in it had made him hard had been a little shocking, but quite pleasurable to hear.
 
He wasn’t a man given to saying things he didn’t mean, his whole turn to the dark side not withstanding. Rose bit her lip. She wanted to believe they were past that now. She understood, mostly, why he’d done what he’d done, but the uncertainty of how she felt about him, aside from loving him completely and utterly still, unnerved her. She wanted desperately to trust him again. She’d made one step towards that this afternoon.
 
She hadn’t meant to do more than take what she’d wanted from him when she’d made love to him. She certainly hadn’t meant to let him have her again afterwards. But it was she who had initiated it in some bid to calm his worries. How had it gone from her being afraid he didn’t want her here to him being afraid she’d leave?
 
His whole speech on marriage, or bonding, or whatever it was, had bothered her. At her age, the idea of being married was…well, honestly it was more frightening than the idea of having a baby. She knew she was being naïve, recognized it even as she thought it. Because being a mother would be far more work than a marriage to the Doctor, wouldn’t it? Being his lover, being with the Doctor period, was already work and she couldn’t imagine making it official making it any harder than it always had been, but she knew somehow that it would.
 
Besides, she’d never measure up to his beloved Alethe, so why set herself up for failure? He’d been bonded to Alethe. He’d said that they’d had a ceremonial bonding ritual and that had to be this thing he’d talked about having with Rose in a roundabout way, didn’t it?
 
Her fingers played absently with the ring on her left thumb. He wasn’t really asking her anyway. He’d said as much. And she did not want it. Marriage was…well, it always fell apart, didn’t it? Mickey’s folks had barely made it out of the gate when his dad had run off. Shireen’s mum and dad had had so many break ups and make ups she couldn’t even count them anymore. Most of her mates at school had had divorced parents and the ones who weren’t divorced seemed to hate each other.
 
Even her own mum and dad, when she’d gone back in time and seen them together, had been completely dysfunctional together despite the love clearly between them. And she’d grown up in an estate where the nights rang with the voices of arguing husbands and wives. What good had she ever seen from that sort of attachment anyway? Just because he was an alien didn’t mean marriage would be different with him.
 
It would be better if they weren’t formally tied together. That way when Charlie was grown and she had served her purpose and the Doctor decided he was done with her it wouldn’t hurt quite so much. Rose sighed. She knew she’d stay with him as long as he wanted her there, that she’d even sleep with him as long as he wanted her to. Resuming that part of their relationship had felt incredibly good, if not the right thing to do. 
 
She tried to hate herself for it, but she couldn’t. She was making the most of a bad situation. She knew the Doctor was, too. It didn’t matter that she loved him, not really. Not when it came to this. She didn’t want to be married. And anyway, he hadn’t really asked.

Ch. 20:  http://amberfocus.livejournal.com/98695.html

Date: 2008-07-12 04:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] angel932.livejournal.com
MASSIVE misunderstandings doing on here! They really need to work on some frank communication, don't they?

Loving it, btw!

Date: 2008-07-12 10:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amberfocus.livejournal.com
Yes, they do. They're working towards it. She's going to start feeling safe with him again pretty soon. There's just going to have to be a lot more talking and maybe a dangerous situation. *grins*

Date: 2008-07-12 04:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nattieb.livejournal.com
Just when things were going so well for these two you had to go and throw a whole big bucket of angst on them. Only the knowledge that you believe in happy endings is keeping me hanging on to hope.

Well done!

Date: 2008-07-12 10:44 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amberfocus.livejournal.com
Well, yeah, I did. I can't make it easy for them. It's going to be a hard-fought for happy ending, not one that's handed to them. So a big bucket-o-angst is vitally necessary. *smiles*

Date: 2008-07-12 04:31 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amyo67.livejournal.com
That's just so them, both feeling something and thinkin the other doesn't. Someone needs to give them both a swift kick in the pants. Maybe Jack should lock them together again. Or was that another story? Anyway, it worked didn't it. I do wish they would just talk.
But how funny was that when the Doctor was arguing with the TARDIS. I always love the way you write the TARDIS.
Thanks for a great update.

Date: 2008-07-12 10:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amberfocus.livejournal.com
Yes, it was in this story that Jack locked them together in the infirmary. But I don't think that's going to be necessary and anyway he's off shagging a firebird at that party. There's going to be some pretty sweet romancing coming up very, very soon. And then something dangerous. And then open communication.

Date: 2008-07-12 04:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] fishface44.livejournal.com
Tsk, tsk. So much for open and honest communication! But they are gorgeous, and now extra clean, and the night is young, so maybe they will still get it right! :)

Date: 2008-07-12 10:47 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amberfocus.livejournal.com
*grins* Hope springs eternal for this duo.

Date: 2008-07-12 04:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ageless-aislynn.livejournal.com
Okay so she's not the alt!TARDIS but I love her all the same, lol! ;) How can you not love a TARDIS who puts on such great mental slideshows and says so much without ever having to say a word? ;)

Aw, these two crazy kids have no idea what they want, do they? ;) But I have faith they'll get it all straightened out in the end! And in the meanwhile, hopefully we'll have lots of Official Story-Appropriate Smut!Time! :P ;) ♥!

Date: 2008-07-12 10:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amberfocus.livejournal.com
I'm not sure I could write the TARDIS as ordinary and boring anymore if I tried. She's too much fun to give a full personality to.

They may not know exactly what they want right now, but they will before this is over.

Date: 2008-07-12 04:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] soniced-up.livejournal.com
Talk about a couple of messed up kids. *shakes head* Frankly I think he should just force a bond on her so that they could know exactly what the other was thinking and stop with all the misunderstanding....Well ok, I don't really think that but something needs to give here or one of them is gonna snap.

More soon please. :D

Date: 2008-07-13 12:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amberfocus.livejournal.com
I know. You'd think they'd manage to get it sorted but they keep butting their heads up against their own assumptions. *laughs* Love your icon.

Date: 2008-07-12 05:49 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] angelfireeast.livejournal.com
Oh I love this. Poor Rose doesn't think marrgie will work (I'm sorry to say I have the same thought about Long term relaionships (the kind that last over 20 years) after all that time are most people still in love with each or just saying together because it's what they are use too? Sorry putting some of my issues on out there. The thing is part of me knows that everyone out there isn't like that watching my parents fighting all the time I can't help but think maybe it's true. So I know where Rose is coming from on this - I get that feeling myself sometimes.

Also I just want to hug Rose, she doesn't have a clue how important she really is to the Doctor. If only she would bond with him then she'd see.

Date: 2008-07-13 12:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amberfocus.livejournal.com
I think long term relationships can work, they just take a lot of work. My own parents have been married for 52 years and my inlaws have been married for 41 and they are all still very much in love with each other. DH and I have been together 18 years come September and we fight maybe once a year and are still madly in love. But it's work. A lot of hard work. We were both very fortunate to come from the families we did and grow up in loving and supportive environments. We got to see what good marriages are supposed to look like, where the spouses are best friends who work through their disagreements carefully with love and consideration. It is possible. But you know what? I don't know anyone else like us or our parents. Most of my friends are very, very jaded about marriage and sort of view us as the 8th wonder of the world or something. Even my two sisters have both been divorced and they came from the same world I did. I think I'm just lucky I found someone I meshed so well with and that we didn't rush our relationship but built it carefully from the ground up before getting married 13 years ago.

As for Rose, I want her to see it without bonding to him. Not that I'm ruling out bonding, but I want her to come to the realization beforehand of how he really feels and honestly how she really feels, too. Sorry, that reply was a bit of a book, wasn't it? *laughs*

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From: [identity profile] angelfireeast.livejournal.com - Date: 2008-07-13 06:28 am (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2008-07-12 06:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] maniacalshen.livejournal.com
Nine realizing he wants to get married: PRICELESS.

He was sure he heard the mind of the TARDIS laughing in his head as she placed the image of him sitting on the sofa with a baby in the crook of one arm, a toddler snuggled against him on his far side and Rose swollen in pregnancy with her feet in his lap smiling at him lovingly. His mind’s eye couldn’t help looking at the ring finger of her left hand.

::cracks up::

She had placed her outfit in the fresher

Star Wars reference?

And aww, Rose's estate background rears its head in her dysfunctional view of marriage. :(

Date: 2008-07-13 12:26 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amberfocus.livejournal.com
*smiles* Poor man, he wants this so badly! Just doesn't want to admit it.

The fresher is from some sci-fi thing, not sure what, actually so it could be Star Wars. Seemed like something the TARDIS ought to have, just a device that sort of smooths out the wrinkles and removes the smell.

Date: 2008-07-12 06:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] honorh.livejournal.com
*Sigh* The TARDIS needs to bash their heads together. Hard. Impossible people! *grumps, waits impatiently for next part*

Date: 2008-07-13 12:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amberfocus.livejournal.com
*giggles* Next chapter has sweet romance and perhaps a bit more of an understanding of feelings.

Date: 2008-07-12 06:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rainshadowsfic.livejournal.com
>.>

*kind of wants to see the Doctor and Rose in outfits described above*

<.<

great chapter, as always =)

Date: 2008-07-13 12:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amberfocus.livejournal.com
Me, too. I can draw bodies and clothes but I am rubbish at faces or I'd do it how I pictured it. And I don't know anyone on my f-list who's good at drawing, I don't think. Well, maybe a couple people but I don't know them well enough to ask.

Date: 2008-07-12 07:06 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lostwolfchats.livejournal.com
Hmmmm. She protests too much, I think!

Looking forward to the surprise :-D

Date: 2008-07-13 12:32 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amberfocus.livejournal.com
Oh, do you? *blinks innocently* She is quite damaged from some of her life experiences. Of course, if he makes her see what a marriage could be...

Ooooo

Date: 2008-07-12 07:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] othermewriter.livejournal.com
Sometimes I just want to knock these two head's together and tell them to get a grip. But it is so very true to the nature of relationships that if you don't communicate your doomed. Without sharing no relationship can survive, even with telepathy I think there would still be issues as personal insecurities battled with logic.

Re: Ooooo

Date: 2008-07-13 12:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amberfocus.livejournal.com
I think that seems to be the general consensus on this chapter, that head knocking is necessary! *laughs* They'll make a bit of progress forward next chappie.

Date: 2008-07-12 08:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sunnytyler001.livejournal.com
Oh god, this is so brilliant!!! And the Tardis is love! More soon, please!

Date: 2008-07-13 12:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amberfocus.livejournal.com
Thanks! Glad you liked it.

Date: 2008-07-12 10:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ravenclaw-devil.livejournal.com
Wow...Rose's thought-process makes my heart ache even though it is so true in today's world.

And the Doctor (particularly the 9th Doctor) deciding he wants to do Domestic...that was most excellent!!!

Fantastic chapter - I can't wait for the next part!!! =D

Date: 2008-07-12 10:25 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ravenclaw-devil.livejournal.com
Oh, forgot to comment on 9's experience with Pregnancy Hormones (they both deserve caps)...classic and can I just say payback's a bitch!!! He's always so moody and touchy that it kind of serves him right that he should have to be on the receiving end of it...especially with how proud he was acting about getting her in that state. I can't wait to read how he deals with weird cravings, back pain, swollen ankles, etc. after the way he treated Rose, he deserves to be made to wait on her hand and foot (even though I love him to pieces and sooo want them to get together - and get their acts together - soon. Rose may be starting to forgive him but he was still a fuckwit with his behavior).

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] amberfocus.livejournal.com - Date: 2008-07-13 12:36 am (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2008-07-12 10:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blemt.livejournal.com
Paging Doctor Harkness, Paging Doctor Harkness...

Please proceed to the console room and be with the head bashing together making...

Date: 2008-07-13 12:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amberfocus.livejournal.com
Sorry, Jack's busy having sex with a firebird at the moment! *laughs* The Doctor and Rose are on their own with this one.

Date: 2008-07-12 12:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] stormarrow.livejournal.com
-_- Communication is key, and these two haven't quite got that down yet lol.

Date: 2008-07-13 12:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amberfocus.livejournal.com
No, they haven't, but they are getting better at it.

Date: 2008-07-12 01:28 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] salimali.livejournal.com
one step forward, two steps back...have you two ever just thought of talking and listening to each other????

Date: 2008-07-13 12:38 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amberfocus.livejournal.com
Um...no. *laughs* Where would the angst be in that?

Date: 2008-07-12 04:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] yenly-gozal.livejournal.com
Now it's about marriage and bonding, eh? Look like they've got themselves into a whole new mess of misunderstanding. Hope that this won't cause any significant backtrack.

More, please...

Date: 2008-07-13 12:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amberfocus.livejournal.com
No, not anything significant. They're actually about to take a little step forwards.

Date: 2008-07-12 06:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sammie28.livejournal.com
Love this story. Poor Rose, to be feeling like a poor second to Alethe and to the Doctor's life in general.

LOVE the TARDIS. That ship is always more sentient and alive in FF than it is on the show.

Date: 2008-07-13 12:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amberfocus.livejournal.com
Yeah, she doesn't have the confidence she needs in this particular area of her life. She would have done if he'd been supportive from the start, but he really knocked back her sense of self-esteem when he rejected her so harshly when she first told him. I wish they did more with the TARDIS on the show. All the ever do is have her shoot sparks at the Doctor.

Date: 2008-07-12 08:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] starrynights24.livejournal.com
*headdesk*

And in an ironic twist the Doctor figures out and (somewhat) admits (at least to himself) what he wants, and Rose is all confused (and protesting a bit too much me thinks).

*sigh*

Poor Rose. I hope she gets her head sorted out soon, and begins to trust him again, cuz this is just killing me.

Poor Doctor too, even though this uphill battle he's fighting is one of his own making. Kinda funny how much I hated the Doctor (or at least came really, really close to it) at the beginning of this, and am now very firmly in his corner. I chalk it up to great writing/storytelling.

Date: 2008-07-13 12:43 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amberfocus.livejournal.com
You think? Rose is mixed and confused and unsure of what she wants other than to be with him. She knows she wants that, even if it hurts her.

Well, my plan worked if you hated him and now you're rooting for him. I took him pretty close to the edge of no redemption before reeling him back in and making you love him again. Thank you.

Date: 2008-07-13 03:18 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nina-ds.livejournal.com
It's so funny — this fic has actually made the banner picture look different to me. Rose looks like she's in a serious pout (with a side order of disgust), and the Doctor looks both angry and hunted/cowed.

Eventually they'll get there. I'm guessing somewhere around part 46? :-)

Date: 2008-07-13 03:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amberfocus.livejournal.com
Part 46? Are you saying I'm long-winded? *winks* I know, I have a very difficult time with short stories. I like full-length novels apparently. Although sometimes it's not my fault because people demand that my oneshots not remain oneshots and they give me ideas and those ideas have babies and so on...

I always felt that pic was perfect for this fic. My angry!baby!fic. But I love the way you describe their expressions. I like to think the Doctor also has a smidge of "what the hell did I get myself into and why can't I fix it?" also.

I think I may have to get a new banner for the upcoming chapters, though as things start to improve more and more between them. I wish someone would publish a recent Billie photo with her baby bump showing so I could have someone manip a new banner for me.

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] nina-ds.livejournal.com - Date: 2008-07-13 04:23 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] amberfocus.livejournal.com - Date: 2008-07-13 05:11 am (UTC) - Expand

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] nina-ds.livejournal.com - Date: 2008-07-13 05:54 am (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2008-07-13 04:00 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dragonmom64.livejournal.com
Oooh! His thoughts were leaving me all mushy...then I got to hers...definitely some more work is needed....and time, as the TARDIS said...

Date: 2008-07-13 05:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amberfocus.livejournal.com
Yeah, he's come to his realizations. It's going to take Rose a bit longer but she's going to start making progress very soon.

Date: 2008-07-15 06:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bluevolvic.livejournal.com
Great chapter, need to catch up :D

Date: 2008-07-17 01:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amberfocus.livejournal.com
Thank you.

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