Wolf Moon: Chapter Nineteen

[amberfocus]

Deciding to Wait

 

“Maybe I should start working on that serum tonight.  I’ll need some more blood, though,” the Doctor said as he scraped the last of the food from his plate with a piece of bread.  He took a deep drink of milk.  “You can really cook.  You know that?”

 

“Thanks.  It was a survival method growing up with my mum.  Might not be a bad idea, the serum,” agreed Rose.  “I was awfully close to saying screw this, let’s shag.”  The Doctor choked and milk spewed across the table.

 

“Rose!”

 

“Oh, like you couldn’t tell?” she asked him.  She reached behind her and picked a wet cloth up off the sink and cleaned up the liquid the Doctor had sprayed out.  “And like I wasn’t that way most of the day?  And you weren’t exactly pushing me away, either.”

 

“Look, I know I’m all flirt and I’m all lusty and up in your body space right now, but I will wait.  I’m okay to wait.  Don’t think about doing this for me.  It has to be about you.  So unless you really want to, if you’ve honestly changed your mind from what you first told me, then I won’t put a stop to it.  But you need to know what you’re in for if we do,” he said heavily.

 

“You told me before.  You said that it wouldn’t be sweet and it wouldn’t be loving and it wouldn’t be careful,” she told him.  “That it would mark me as yours,” she said.  “And that once we truly started down that path there would be no stopping you.  That I’d get hurt if I tried.  I did listen.”

 

“Yeah, but…I think you’re going to get hurt even if you welcome me,” he said looking down at the table.  “Leastwise that’s what I’m worried about.  I don’t want to hurt you, Rose.  I want to keep you safe.  Even from me.  Especially from me.”

 

“What exactly will happen?” she asked curiously

 

“Once the TARDIS flushes the atmosphere of the fog it would allow full need to return to me.  And that need would drive me beyond thinking about your needs or your wants, Rose.  My pelvis is about five times stronger than a human male’s and I’m afraid that the uncontrolled force of a first mating with you might, well, you might not be able to walk for a few days and you’ll probably be in a lot of pain from it.”

 

“During or just afterwards?” she wanted to know.

 

“Both.”

 

“You can’t restrain yourself?” she wondered.

 

“I don’t think I can.  Not the first time, Rose.  Not with a bonding link coming into existence.  I told you with my people it was primitive.  After that, I will be able to be tender and go as slow as you want.  When the link is fully in place, I can do that.  But the first time, I won’t be in my right mind, Rose.  It reorders the psyche.  I told you before, there’s a reason why my people tried to breed out physical reproduction and stomp out emotional intimacy.”

 

“So we’re talking loss of rational thought and some…erm…pounding type sex?” she asked.  “But not violence?”

 

The Doctor remained unable to meet her eyes.  “Well, nothing like broken bones or knocking you around or beating on you, but maybe some bruising if I...”

 

“If you what?”  She tried to sound fearless.

 

“Restrain you.  Hold you down.”  He bit his lip hard and she felt a slight shiver go through her.  “There will likely be scratching and biting, as part of the marking.”

 

“There’d probably be some of that anyway,” Rose joked wryly, trying to lighten the mood.  When she got no response from him at all, Rose put her hand on his chin and gently pushed his head back up until he was forced to look at her.  “So when you said you were afraid of hurting me, you meant physically?”  Her voice was very soft despite how fast her heart was racing.  She didn’t want to feel frightened of him, but this...

 

“Yeah.  Mostly.”

 

“Will I heal?”  She asked.  “I mean, it won’t do me any kind of permanent damage, will it?”

 

“You’ll heal.  I can use the infirmary to repair the damage and give you an analgesic for the pain.  But the human brain is a strange thing, Rose.  You may feel taken advantage of or scared of me or even worse, like you were forced,” his voice broke, “but you won’t be able to avoid me after because that link will be permanent in your head and you won’t know what to do with your emotions,” he told her.  “It’s why we weren’t supposed to mate with humans.  Well, that and the very distant…common ancestor.  That reason was always hushed up.  No one ever wanted to admit it was true.  In the rare case of a conception they were afraid of a throwback.”

 

“What, so they just never did?  The most similar species to you and your high and mighties never got the hankering for a little Earth girl?”

 

The Doctor sighed and finally met her eyes.  “On occasion it would happen.  Andred even married a human.  Leela was a bit of a savage herself.  I think she took him more forcefully than he ever took her.” 

 

Can’t a Time Lord have sex with a human or a person of your race without bonding to that person?”

 

“Some could.  I can’t.  Not with you.  Not with any human,” he explained.

 

“So you’ve never been with a human?” she asked.

 

“No.”

 

“Were you bonded to your wife, then, before she died?” Rose asked.

 

“No.  Never had sex with her.  It was a marriage arranged by our houses for political advantage and our children were genetically engineered.  We didn’t even live together,” he told her.

 

“Ah.  Romantic, your species.  So does that make you a virgin, Doctor?” she wanted to know.

 

He snorted.  “I’m 910 years old, Rose.  There have been other species.  Ones I’m not biologically suited for.  I mean the parts were there but without a chance of conception there is no mating imperative, no possibility of bonding.  I’ve probably had sex, oh, at least once every couple of hundred years, just out of scientific curiosity you understand.”

 

Rose used an extreme force of will to keep her face straight.  By her count that meant he’d had sex four times in nearly a millennia.  She certainly hoped that when they were past all of this, they’d do it more often than that.  She looked back at him and realized that while she was struggling not to giggle he had dropped his eyes to the table again.  He seemed so ashamed of himself over what he could do to her.

 

“What if we don’t flush the atmosphere?  What if we have sex under the influence of the medication?”  Rose asked.

 

“I don’t know.  It could interfere with the link and I’m afraid I still won’t be able to keep control.”

 

“But you’ve been in control.  I mean, you didn’t push it tonight,” she told him.

 

“Yeah, but I told you.  Certain activities could overwhelm the medication.  I don’t even know if a more powerful dose of serum is even going to make touching the way you suggested earlier safe from triggering me,” he told her.  He put his head in his hands.

 

“Romana made it sound so simple.  I’d mate with you, link with you, bond with you and we’d be on our merry way, happily producing time babies as we went.  But it’s never going to be that easy,” he muttered.

 

“Okay,” Rose said.  “Listen.  We’ll wait.  We’ll wait until the trust between us is total.  And then, well…if you hurt me, we’ll deal with it.”

 

“Rose, I don’t want--.”

 

“We’ll deal with it,” she said fiercely.  “I won’t lose you over rough sex.”

 

“You don’t get it, Rose.  It’s not just rough--.”

 

“We’ll deal with it,” she repeated firmly.  She reached out and took his hand in one of hers and cupped the side of his face with the other.  “I want to make us work,” she said softly.  She stroked his face then dropped her hand to the table.  “We’re new.  We’re all too new, but I want to make us work.  It’s just too bad there isn’t a way of initiating a bonding link without sex, because if we were bonded first then I imagine our first time wouldn’t be so…savage.”

 

He raised his head and his blue eyes met her amber ones.  Then he was on his feet and racing down the corridor.  She followed him, watching as he darted into the library.  By the time she’d caught him up he was pulling books off the shelves frantically, desperately searching for something.  She didn’t ask him what, didn’t get in his way, only stood in the doorway watching as he tore the room apart.  It was fifteen minutes later that he stilled and pulled an ancient and dusty tome from the back of a high shelf.

 

He flipped through the pages with some reverence and stopped somewhere in the middle, running his finger in circular patterns over the script there.  With a very slow smile he glanced up at Rose.  “You, Rose Tyler, are a genius.  There is a way to initiate a bonding link without sex.  It’s rare and it’s hard but it’s possible.  But it still requires complete trust.  What do you think, Rose?  Can you trust me?”

 

She looked at him, her eyes holding onto his and searching for an answer in the cold blue steel.  His eyes softened, warmed, and the look he gave her in return was one of hope and expectancy.  “Yes,” she told him.  “But first, I want to know everything that’s involved.”

 

“Well,” he said hesitantly.  “You probably won’t like this, but you’ll have to let me into your mind.  Completely in.  No holds barred.  You’ll have to let me see everything.  Everything that makes up who you are, every thought you’re having.  Everything you’re feeling.  All of it.  You won’t be able to hide anything from me, Rose.  You’ll be completely exposed, totally raw and open to me.  That’s where the trust comes in.”

 

She stared at him without expression for over a minute.  “And what do you have to do?” she finally asked.

 

“I have to let you into mine.  Same thing.”

 

“So, let me get this straight.  I either have to let you take total possession of my body or total possession of my mind?” she asked.

 

“Yeah,” he said.

 

“Okay,” she said.  “It’s not like we have to do this right now.  Give me time to think about it.”

 

“But, Rose, it’s a way out.  I wouldn’t have to risk hurting you,” he said urgently.

 

“It’s my mind, Doctor!  It’s supposed to be private.”  She was annoyed with him now.

 

“Well, you’re not doing a very good job at keeping your thoughts private,” he shot out without thinking.

 

“What do you mean?” she asked and fright shot through her eyes.

 

“How would I tell you, anyway,” he quoted her earlier thoughts, “that I’m already falling in love with you?  That you don’t have to worry because you’ve already become a part of me and that’s never going to change?”

 

“You said you wouldn’t go into my mind!” she said hotly.

 

“I didn’t.  You, Miss Tyler, were broadcasting so loudly you forced your way in past my shields.  If anyone was invading anybody’s mind it wasn’t me!” he growled back.

 

“But I can’t do that!” she protested.

 

“Well, obviously you can,” he said condescendingly.  “With me, you can.  There was that and there was, ‘Want.  Need.  Now,’ too.”  His eyes flashed.  “Do you need to hear more?”

 

Rose pressed her lips together.  “You said you would never ridicule anything to do with my sexuality or my response to yours,” she accused feeling hot tears well up in her eyes.  “Well, what do you call this, then?”  She crossed her arms and stared at him.  “I want to trust you.  But tell me how am I supposed to trust you with my body or my mind when you can’t even keep your word to me for an hour?”

 

She turned and left the library, fleeing blindly down the corridor.

 

The Doctor watched her go with a sinking feeling in his stomach.  “Well, you really cocked that up,” said the TARDIS.

 

“Yeah,” he agreed.  “Is she okay?”

 

“She’s crying,” said the TARDIS in an accusatory tone.  “She’s in the Gallifrey Room.  Go make this better.”

 

“I don’t think I can.”  Sparks shot out of a nearby conduit and he jumped back to keep from getting burned.

 

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself.  She wants you to come after her.  So go.  And apologize for being an arse.”

 

With reluctance he followed his ship’s advice and found Rose crying softly under the stars.  He stood in the doorway and looked at her for a couple of minutes.  He opened and shut his mouth several times.  It was Rose who spoke first.

 

“I know you’re there,” she said with a sniffle.

 

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly.  “Rose, I…”

 

“You what?”

 

“I’m falling in love with you, too.”

 

“Nice way you have of showing it,” she said wiping the back of her hand across her eyes.

 

“Not good with emotions, me.  I wasn’t making fun of you.  Just telling you what I’d heard,” he said.

 

“It was the way you did it.”

 

“I know.  I might have a brain the size of a planet but that doesn’t mean I always engage it before I open my mouth,” he told her.  He came out of the doorway and approached her.  “Can I sit?”

 

She nodded dolefully at him and he dropped down beside her.  “I’ve been alone for so long, Rose.  And then you came.  You’ve upset everything about my life--.”

 

“Well, I--.”

 

“And I’m happy about it,” he continued over her protest.  “I don’t even remember the last time I was happy.  It’s been so long and with you here, I am.  And I want you to be mine, Rose.  I want to link with you and mate with you and have everything with you that I’m supposed to have because I feel it deep within me that it’s right.  I forget that you’re…”

 

“Only human?” she queried.

 

“Why do you look down so much on being human, Rose?  You come from a good species, a little dangerous and out of line at times, but you’re so negative about humanity.  I don’t get that.”

 

“My other Doctor, the one that looked like you, was always disparaging humans.  He called us stupid apes all the time.  He’d say things to me like that I looked beautiful for a human.  Couldn’t just say I looked pretty, he always qualified it by my species.  After a while it became second nature to think of myself as lesser than what he was.”  The words spilled out and the Doctor felt his anger at his other self rise up.

 

“Seems like your other Doctor could be just as big of an arse as me,” he told her.

 

“Seems like,” she agreed a bit too quickly for his liking.

 

“He had it half right, though.”  She glanced at him and he continued.  “You are beautiful.  What I was going to say was that I forget that you’re having a harder time adjusting to this than I am.  And that you need time to make up your mind.  So I’ll give you that time.”

 

“It’s just,” Rose began, “that giving you my mind is even more intimate than giving you my body.  And I need to be sure, completely sure.  I mean, if I don’t trust you completely, that linking thing isn’t going to work anyway, is it?”

 

“No.”

 

“So don’t rush me, Doctor.  We have two options but neither one of them has to be taken today.  Can we focus on making serum for both of us and getting our hormones to a normal background level and becoming best friends before we become lovers?  Or before I give my mind to you?” she asked him.

 

“Yeah,” he said.  “We can do that.”  Her hand crept into his.

 

“Thank you.”

 

He stood up and pulled her up with him.  “Come on, let’s go draw some blood and get to work.  Then I’ll take you back to bed.  To sleep.”

She smiled.  “To sleep,” she agreed.  She kept the uncertainty out of her voice and walked with him back to the lab.

Ch. 20:  http://amberfocus.livejournal.com/13174.html

Comments

[sunnytyler001.livejournal.com]

Brilliant! As always!
I'm so glad you updated before my trip to Rome!
Thanks a lot!

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Thanks.

Ooh, Rome, that sounds exciting.

[lostwolfchats.livejournal.com]

God! I'm as frustrated as them - and jsut when it was going so well he sticks his hoof in his mouth! HOnestly!!

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Tee hee. Well, you know he is good at sticking his foot in his mouth, but at least he goes after her and doesn't let her stew too long with her hurt feelings.

[dragonmom64.livejournal.com]

"Screw this, let's shag!" ROFL! Good thing I wasn't drinking, or Id've done the same as the Doctor!
And "I may have a brain the size of a planet, but that doesn't mean I always engage it before I open my mouth." That's about as apt a description of the Doctor that I've ever seen!
So, with this much UST going on....it's gonna be pretty spectacular when they do get "down to business", isn't it?
Loved the discussion here, but it sounds like Rose has to make a rather difficult choice.....

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

*giggles* Glad you like the description of the Doctor. I hope it's going to a very hot day in the
TARDIS when the do finally get around to it. Yes, Rose will have a tough choice to make but things are going to get a little bit easier on both of them in regards to the needing.

[angelfireeast.livejournal.com]

Brilliant update! Good old Doctor always putting his foot in it lol I'm loving the open and frank conversations. I love the way this story is going:D Can't wait for more:D

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

One of the differences I think between this Nine and the other is his willingness to be open and honest with Rose, to expose himself that way and not close off with her. And she's grown up so much that she tries not to hide how she feels either. Of course, with the situation they are in, without frank discussions they'd be in a lot of trouble. Glad you like how it's going.

[starrynights24.livejournal.com]

Rose is a genius!

Oddly comforting to see that the Doctor has not lost his talent for 'open mouth, insert foot'.

Love the TARDIS!

Eagerly anticipating more!

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

He'll never lose that particular talent, I don't think, but he'll make amends a heck of a lot quicker. Thanks.

[wiggiemomsi.livejournal.com]

“Seems like your other Doctor could be just as big of an arse as me,” he told her.

Ah ha! A moment of enlightenment:

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Indeed. But he didn't like it that she agreed with him so readily! LOL

[ageless-aislynn.livejournal.com]

“Well, you really cocked that up,” said the TARDIS.

Heeee, how much I love this TARDIS! ♥♥♥!!! And I love how you're handling all of this discussion! I'm still standing by with the fire extinguisher, though, because I think either one of them or me will end up spontaneously combusting before all is said and done... ;) I'm enjoying this all so very much! ♥!

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

She's a hoot, isn't she? Well, there may be some fire coming up, though don't know about spontaneous combustion.

Absolutely love Wolf Moon

[susanb03.livejournal.com]

So I was re-reading it. Did you realize you go from chapter 17 to 19?

Just thought you might want to change that.

Don't make us wait too long for the next part and next story! I check morning and evening to see if you have any more posted!

Susan

Re: Absolutely love Wolf Moon

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

I don't see it doing that. Has an 18 for me when I look in my journal. Must be a glitch. The final chapter is now up and I'm 1300 words into the first chapter of Hunger Moon. I don't think it'll be long, probably up sometime tomorrow. *smiles* I'm really glad you are enjoying the story enough to reread it.