That Which One Cannot Be Without (2/9)
May. 1st, 2009 11:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amberfocusTitle: That Which One Cannot Be Without (2/9)
Author: Amberfocus
Characters/Pairings: Nine/Rose, Jack
Genre: Romance, angst, hurt/comfort, fluff, smut (eventually)
Betas: Amyo67, JeopardyFriendly
Rating: Adult
Warnings: In this story Rose will be having flashbacks to a violent incident where she was beaten by a prison guard and hurt by another man. This is not rape fic and will not touch on that issue at all. I will keep the explicitness to a minimum, but I know this sort of thing can trigger memories in the victims of violence so wanted to post fair warning.
Summary: Rose has lost her equilibrium after a terrible experience and being back on a similar planet is not helping. The Doctor isn't quite sure what to do to rebuild her spirit, but he has to try because losing her is not an option. Neither is letting her go home.
Author's Notes: This fic was written for Wiggiemomsi who won me and 15,000 words in the Support Stacie Auction. Possible Tissue Warning.
Ch. 1: http://amberfocus.livejournal.com/240768.h
Chapter Two: Confusion of Emotions
When the meal, such as it was, was over the Doctor stacked the dirty dishes in a basket and set it outside their door before carefully sealing it up again. Rose watched him as he returned to the middle of the room and shrugged out of his leather jacket. “Suppose we ought to get ready for bed,” he said. When he pulled his jumper off over his head her heart started to beat a little erratically.
She’d seen him without his shirt on a couple of times, but never in the intimate setting of a bedroom. It had always been on a beach, they’d always been swimming, and she’d been careful not to stare, but this time it was difficult. She could see the hard, lean lines of his muscles and the quiet strength of his body. She skittered her eyes away. “What are you doing?” she asked.
“Getting ready for bed,” he said with a shrug but he was looking at her like she was a simpleton. She hated when he did that and her back started to go up just a bit. It was the first time she’d felt the hint of anger in three weeks. He didn’t have to treat her like she was stupid. It was bad enough he was still treating her like she was fragile, like she was weak.
No one had ever treated her as weak in her life before she’d started travelling with him and she hated being made to feel like she was. She focused tightly in on the moment, pushing her anger away, and with it the niggling voice that told her there was some truth in the fact that she wasn’t as strong as she wished she was. She had been overpowered, had had her strength subdued, had lost control over her own life and her own actions for seven days and nights. Maybe he was right. Maybe she was stupid, weak, not a worthy companion to be coming along with him anymore. She couldn’t erase the tiny little part of her that thought he’d let it happen because he couldn't be bothered to search for her sooner.
“But…there’s only the one bed,” she said quietly instead of giving him a piece of her mind for using that tone of voice on her. “And anyway, you don’t sleep.”
“I can count, Rose. I know it’s one bed. And I do sleep,” he said. “You know that. I slept the last time we were in bed together.”
Rose could feel herself growing uncomfortable at his mention of that night. It was the only thing that had gotten her through the whole horror of Drifalia. She'd been able to sleep without fear for one night. It had been the only night where she'd felt safe. She just wished the feeling had lasted.
Hastily she looked away from him. Her feelings were all over the place tonight. It wasn’t fair that she could be mad at him and feel warmth for him at the same time at the memory of him holding her while she had done everything she could not to cry. “I guess I didn’t realize. I was sort of out of it when we did. Recovering.” Her hand drifted unconsciously to her throat and the Doctor swallowed hard at the gesture, momentary concern crossing his face. Or possibly guilt.
“Well, I do sleep. Not often, but I do. It’s time. I’m getting a bit out of sorts.”
“How can you tell?” she asked with a smirk, forcing herself to respond the way she would have a month ago.
“You calling me a grump?” he wanted to know. He sounded a trifle offended. Maybe neither of them was ready for normal yet.
“Been a bit moody lately,” she allowed.
“Been a bit worried lately,” he countered. “About you.”
“I’m fine.” She was lying and they both knew it.
“You’re not fine. You’ve not been fine in weeks. You’ve been having bad dreams since Drifalia, Rose. The TARDIS tells me, you know.”
“She needs to mind her own business,” Rose said irritably shoving her hair back from her face.
“She worries about you. She worries about me, too. I get bad dreams when I do sleep,” he muttered. “Memories from the war playing themselves out. Didn’t though, that night. The night I fell asleep with you. No nightmares at all. And you didn’t have any that night either. It was…it was a good night, Rose. Together.”
“Oh,” she said. There was a long pause as she tried to figure out what to say, then managed, “Well, where you gonna sleep?” There weren’t any couches and the two chairs available were hard, wooden, straight-backed and upright. The floor was made out of unfinished wood and would never be comfortable.
“In the bed,” he said as if that was obvious, as if she was being deliberately obtuse. It hadn’t occurred to her that he’d say that. He’d only slept in her bed before because she’d asked him to and she hadn’t asked him to this time. Not that this was her bed, exactly. She’d not once thought he’d just assume they’d share it under normal circumstances.
“Then where am I gonna sleep?” she asked him.
“In the bed, Rose. With me. I told you. Together.” His tone made her feel like she’d just dribbled on her shirt. Rose didn’t notice her mouth dropping open, only realized it when it was already there and closed it quickly.
“You want to share the bed?”
“We share lots of things, Rose. We can share the bed for one night. It’s not like we haven’t shared a bed before. It’s hardly a big deal. Thankfully neither one of us sleeps naked.” He frowned at her. “Right? You don’t normally, do you?”
“Actually, I do. Just not that night with you,” she said trying not to feel stung by his offhand remark or the strangled tone he’d used, as if being naked in a bed with her was a horrifying prospect. Maybe it was. It was just…sometimes, she thought maybe he was attracted to her. And she knew she was to him. Not that it mattered. She wasn’t in any shape right now emotionally to start anything up with him anyway, until she managed to get through what had happened. She was still angry and hurt over everything. Being with him wasn’t possible right now with all this hidden pain between them, even if he did think of her like that. And he didn’t.
“Oh, well, that’s…awkward.” He really didn’t think that way at all, did he?
“Don’t worry; you won’t have to damage your eyeballs looking at me naked. They’ve provided sleepwear. For me, anyway,” she said nodding to something on top of the dresser. “And unless you go commando, you can sleep in your underwear and protect your modesty.”
“Rose, I didn’t mean…I meant it would be awkward for you. Not me. Nudity doesn’t bother me.”
“Just me, personally, being naked,” she muttered, “while in bed with you.”
“Rose, if you want to sleep naked—.”
“I don’t!” she snapped. “Not with you!”
“Should have told him you and Jack were married,” he snapped back. “Then sleeping naked wouldn’t have been an issue, would it? Or sleeping in the same bed. Don’t know why I bother trying to keep you safe from Jack and his bed when it’s obvious how much you want to be there. It’s not like you’re a blushing virgin.”
“I don’t want to be in Jack’s damn bed and maybe you try to keep me safe from Jack because you can’t keep me safe from anything else!” she answered furiously before she could stop herself. The Doctor stilled and Rose froze in horror at the words that had flown out of her mouth. How had things descended to such a nasty level so quickly? They hadn’t even come close to fighting like this since the time he’d demanded his key back after she’d saved her father’s life.
She couldn’t believe that after three weeks of keeping it in the thought had finally forced itself to the surface. She shuddered at the harshness of her words. She had told herself over and over again that it was not his fault she’d been taken and it wasn’t fair of her to blame him. Honestly, it wasn’t. He’d warned her to keep her mouth shut on that planet and she hadn’t and she’d wandered off.
No, that wasn’t true. She’d walked off in a huff because he’d been flirting with a woman they’d rescued and she’d been so angry…well, she couldn’t blame him for what happened anymore than she could blame herself. Or at least not as much as she could blame herself. She was just as responsible. She was, she knew that, only…he hadn’t come for seven days.
In prison, she was the one who hadn't had the sense to keep her mouth shut and she’d nearly lost her voice forever as a consequence. Not listening to the Doctor and talking too much had worked fine for her up until that day. She’d learned a hard lesson when Triven had taken her to the medical wing and sliced her throat without anesthetic. She shivered and tried to block the thought from her mind of how she’d tried to scream and no sound had come out. How the blood had bubbled up into her mouth and sat thick and heavy as the world spun around her. She’d fainted as the cauterization wand had come towards her and—.
“You…you think I can’t keep you safe?” he asked finally, his words coming out with obvious pain.
Rose sat down heavily in one of the chairs, her hands folded in her lap. “’Course you can keep me safe,” she said softly.
“You wouldn’t have said it if you didn’t mean it,” he said quietly. Rose felt tears forming in her eyes and blinked rapidly to keep them back. “Rose, talk to me.”
“It—.” She broke off and then started again, trying to keep her voice steady and calm. “It took you a week to find me. How long did it take you to even notice I was gone?” Her voice sounded heartbroken to her own ears.
“What?”
“You were so busy chatting up Abraya,” she reminded him. “How long was it before you even noticed I’d gone missing?”
“Chatting up? I wasn’t chatting up Abraya,” he said in shock.
“Same way you didn’t flirt with Jabe or Cathica?” she wanted to know. “Or that Teripsian tree swallow, what was her name?”
“Torat-ti’yaaha,” he said. “And I wasn’t flirting with any of them. I was just being friendly.”
“No, you weren’t. You’re friendly with me. You were flirting with them.”
“Rose Tyler, are you jealous?” he demanded.
“No,” she snapped. “I’m not jealous that you can’t keep your eyes from roving all over the place. I’m angry that every time you do it, I end up getting hurt! I’m angry that you don’t care enough about me to even notice that I’ve been arrested and tried and convicted in a sham of a trial—and beaten for a week before you even bothered to come looking for me! Do I feel safe with you? How the hell can I, Doctor? Keeping me safe is not your priority.”
He stared at her dumb-founded. It took him three tries to formulate a proper response to her angry words. He closed his eyes and swallowed hard and then looked at her with such naked pain in his eyes that her heart jumped in sympathy at the ache. “Ten minutes,” he told her. “It was ten minutes before I realized you were gone. Ten minutes before I reached for your hand and it wasn’t there.”
“But you--.”
“Thirty minutes before I found out you’d been arrested. Four hours to find the first jail you’d been taken to. A day to find out where your so-called trial had been held. Five days to discover where your final prison camp was located. Another day to infiltrate the guards. A further hour and twelve minutes to discover you’d been hauled to the medical wing for punishment. Another twenty-seven minutes to get you out of there. A grand total of 506 hours, thirty-nine minutes and twenty-seven point zero two five seconds is how long I spent looking for you,” he told her.
“I know exactly how long it took to get you back. And every minute of it, Rose, I was thinking about you. Not Jabe or Cathica or Abraya or Torat-ti’yaaha. Just you. Just Rose Tyler. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep you safe. I’m sorry that I broke my promise to your mother but more than that I’m sorry that you can’t trust me anymore.” He stood up from his place on the bed.
“I’m going to go and bunk with Jack. I’ll seal the door behind me. I can’t keep you safe, obviously, but the sealed lock will keep anyone else from bothering you.”
Rose couldn’t formulate a response until he got to the door. “So you’re just going to leave me alone to deal with all of this by myself, then?”
“You don’t feel safe with me anymore. You’ve made that clear,” he said. “Tomorrow when we get back to the TARDIS I’ll…I’ll take you home.”
Ch. 3: http://amberfocus.livejournal.com/242739.h
Author: Amberfocus
Characters/Pairings: Nine/Rose, Jack
Genre: Romance, angst, hurt/comfort, fluff, smut (eventually)
Betas: Amyo67, JeopardyFriendly
Rating: Adult
Warnings: In this story Rose will be having flashbacks to a violent incident where she was beaten by a prison guard and hurt by another man. This is not rape fic and will not touch on that issue at all. I will keep the explicitness to a minimum, but I know this sort of thing can trigger memories in the victims of violence so wanted to post fair warning.
Summary: Rose has lost her equilibrium after a terrible experience and being back on a similar planet is not helping. The Doctor isn't quite sure what to do to rebuild her spirit, but he has to try because losing her is not an option. Neither is letting her go home.
Author's Notes: This fic was written for Wiggiemomsi who won me and 15,000 words in the Support Stacie Auction. Possible Tissue Warning.
Ch. 1: http://amberfocus.livejournal.com/240768.h
Chapter Two: Confusion of Emotions
When the meal, such as it was, was over the Doctor stacked the dirty dishes in a basket and set it outside their door before carefully sealing it up again. Rose watched him as he returned to the middle of the room and shrugged out of his leather jacket. “Suppose we ought to get ready for bed,” he said. When he pulled his jumper off over his head her heart started to beat a little erratically.
She’d seen him without his shirt on a couple of times, but never in the intimate setting of a bedroom. It had always been on a beach, they’d always been swimming, and she’d been careful not to stare, but this time it was difficult. She could see the hard, lean lines of his muscles and the quiet strength of his body. She skittered her eyes away. “What are you doing?” she asked.
“Getting ready for bed,” he said with a shrug but he was looking at her like she was a simpleton. She hated when he did that and her back started to go up just a bit. It was the first time she’d felt the hint of anger in three weeks. He didn’t have to treat her like she was stupid. It was bad enough he was still treating her like she was fragile, like she was weak.
No one had ever treated her as weak in her life before she’d started travelling with him and she hated being made to feel like she was. She focused tightly in on the moment, pushing her anger away, and with it the niggling voice that told her there was some truth in the fact that she wasn’t as strong as she wished she was. She had been overpowered, had had her strength subdued, had lost control over her own life and her own actions for seven days and nights. Maybe he was right. Maybe she was stupid, weak, not a worthy companion to be coming along with him anymore. She couldn’t erase the tiny little part of her that thought he’d let it happen because he couldn't be bothered to search for her sooner.
“But…there’s only the one bed,” she said quietly instead of giving him a piece of her mind for using that tone of voice on her. “And anyway, you don’t sleep.”
“I can count, Rose. I know it’s one bed. And I do sleep,” he said. “You know that. I slept the last time we were in bed together.”
Rose could feel herself growing uncomfortable at his mention of that night. It was the only thing that had gotten her through the whole horror of Drifalia. She'd been able to sleep without fear for one night. It had been the only night where she'd felt safe. She just wished the feeling had lasted.
Hastily she looked away from him. Her feelings were all over the place tonight. It wasn’t fair that she could be mad at him and feel warmth for him at the same time at the memory of him holding her while she had done everything she could not to cry. “I guess I didn’t realize. I was sort of out of it when we did. Recovering.” Her hand drifted unconsciously to her throat and the Doctor swallowed hard at the gesture, momentary concern crossing his face. Or possibly guilt.
“Well, I do sleep. Not often, but I do. It’s time. I’m getting a bit out of sorts.”
“How can you tell?” she asked with a smirk, forcing herself to respond the way she would have a month ago.
“You calling me a grump?” he wanted to know. He sounded a trifle offended. Maybe neither of them was ready for normal yet.
“Been a bit moody lately,” she allowed.
“Been a bit worried lately,” he countered. “About you.”
“I’m fine.” She was lying and they both knew it.
“You’re not fine. You’ve not been fine in weeks. You’ve been having bad dreams since Drifalia, Rose. The TARDIS tells me, you know.”
“She needs to mind her own business,” Rose said irritably shoving her hair back from her face.
“She worries about you. She worries about me, too. I get bad dreams when I do sleep,” he muttered. “Memories from the war playing themselves out. Didn’t though, that night. The night I fell asleep with you. No nightmares at all. And you didn’t have any that night either. It was…it was a good night, Rose. Together.”
“Oh,” she said. There was a long pause as she tried to figure out what to say, then managed, “Well, where you gonna sleep?” There weren’t any couches and the two chairs available were hard, wooden, straight-backed and upright. The floor was made out of unfinished wood and would never be comfortable.
“In the bed,” he said as if that was obvious, as if she was being deliberately obtuse. It hadn’t occurred to her that he’d say that. He’d only slept in her bed before because she’d asked him to and she hadn’t asked him to this time. Not that this was her bed, exactly. She’d not once thought he’d just assume they’d share it under normal circumstances.
“Then where am I gonna sleep?” she asked him.
“In the bed, Rose. With me. I told you. Together.” His tone made her feel like she’d just dribbled on her shirt. Rose didn’t notice her mouth dropping open, only realized it when it was already there and closed it quickly.
“You want to share the bed?”
“We share lots of things, Rose. We can share the bed for one night. It’s not like we haven’t shared a bed before. It’s hardly a big deal. Thankfully neither one of us sleeps naked.” He frowned at her. “Right? You don’t normally, do you?”
“Actually, I do. Just not that night with you,” she said trying not to feel stung by his offhand remark or the strangled tone he’d used, as if being naked in a bed with her was a horrifying prospect. Maybe it was. It was just…sometimes, she thought maybe he was attracted to her. And she knew she was to him. Not that it mattered. She wasn’t in any shape right now emotionally to start anything up with him anyway, until she managed to get through what had happened. She was still angry and hurt over everything. Being with him wasn’t possible right now with all this hidden pain between them, even if he did think of her like that. And he didn’t.
“Oh, well, that’s…awkward.” He really didn’t think that way at all, did he?
“Don’t worry; you won’t have to damage your eyeballs looking at me naked. They’ve provided sleepwear. For me, anyway,” she said nodding to something on top of the dresser. “And unless you go commando, you can sleep in your underwear and protect your modesty.”
“Rose, I didn’t mean…I meant it would be awkward for you. Not me. Nudity doesn’t bother me.”
“Just me, personally, being naked,” she muttered, “while in bed with you.”
“Rose, if you want to sleep naked—.”
“I don’t!” she snapped. “Not with you!”
“Should have told him you and Jack were married,” he snapped back. “Then sleeping naked wouldn’t have been an issue, would it? Or sleeping in the same bed. Don’t know why I bother trying to keep you safe from Jack and his bed when it’s obvious how much you want to be there. It’s not like you’re a blushing virgin.”
“I don’t want to be in Jack’s damn bed and maybe you try to keep me safe from Jack because you can’t keep me safe from anything else!” she answered furiously before she could stop herself. The Doctor stilled and Rose froze in horror at the words that had flown out of her mouth. How had things descended to such a nasty level so quickly? They hadn’t even come close to fighting like this since the time he’d demanded his key back after she’d saved her father’s life.
She couldn’t believe that after three weeks of keeping it in the thought had finally forced itself to the surface. She shuddered at the harshness of her words. She had told herself over and over again that it was not his fault she’d been taken and it wasn’t fair of her to blame him. Honestly, it wasn’t. He’d warned her to keep her mouth shut on that planet and she hadn’t and she’d wandered off.
No, that wasn’t true. She’d walked off in a huff because he’d been flirting with a woman they’d rescued and she’d been so angry…well, she couldn’t blame him for what happened anymore than she could blame herself. Or at least not as much as she could blame herself. She was just as responsible. She was, she knew that, only…he hadn’t come for seven days.
In prison, she was the one who hadn't had the sense to keep her mouth shut and she’d nearly lost her voice forever as a consequence. Not listening to the Doctor and talking too much had worked fine for her up until that day. She’d learned a hard lesson when Triven had taken her to the medical wing and sliced her throat without anesthetic. She shivered and tried to block the thought from her mind of how she’d tried to scream and no sound had come out. How the blood had bubbled up into her mouth and sat thick and heavy as the world spun around her. She’d fainted as the cauterization wand had come towards her and—.
“You…you think I can’t keep you safe?” he asked finally, his words coming out with obvious pain.
Rose sat down heavily in one of the chairs, her hands folded in her lap. “’Course you can keep me safe,” she said softly.
“You wouldn’t have said it if you didn’t mean it,” he said quietly. Rose felt tears forming in her eyes and blinked rapidly to keep them back. “Rose, talk to me.”
“It—.” She broke off and then started again, trying to keep her voice steady and calm. “It took you a week to find me. How long did it take you to even notice I was gone?” Her voice sounded heartbroken to her own ears.
“What?”
“You were so busy chatting up Abraya,” she reminded him. “How long was it before you even noticed I’d gone missing?”
“Chatting up? I wasn’t chatting up Abraya,” he said in shock.
“Same way you didn’t flirt with Jabe or Cathica?” she wanted to know. “Or that Teripsian tree swallow, what was her name?”
“Torat-ti’yaaha,” he said. “And I wasn’t flirting with any of them. I was just being friendly.”
“No, you weren’t. You’re friendly with me. You were flirting with them.”
“Rose Tyler, are you jealous?” he demanded.
“No,” she snapped. “I’m not jealous that you can’t keep your eyes from roving all over the place. I’m angry that every time you do it, I end up getting hurt! I’m angry that you don’t care enough about me to even notice that I’ve been arrested and tried and convicted in a sham of a trial—and beaten for a week before you even bothered to come looking for me! Do I feel safe with you? How the hell can I, Doctor? Keeping me safe is not your priority.”
He stared at her dumb-founded. It took him three tries to formulate a proper response to her angry words. He closed his eyes and swallowed hard and then looked at her with such naked pain in his eyes that her heart jumped in sympathy at the ache. “Ten minutes,” he told her. “It was ten minutes before I realized you were gone. Ten minutes before I reached for your hand and it wasn’t there.”
“But you--.”
“Thirty minutes before I found out you’d been arrested. Four hours to find the first jail you’d been taken to. A day to find out where your so-called trial had been held. Five days to discover where your final prison camp was located. Another day to infiltrate the guards. A further hour and twelve minutes to discover you’d been hauled to the medical wing for punishment. Another twenty-seven minutes to get you out of there. A grand total of 506 hours, thirty-nine minutes and twenty-seven point zero two five seconds is how long I spent looking for you,” he told her.
“I know exactly how long it took to get you back. And every minute of it, Rose, I was thinking about you. Not Jabe or Cathica or Abraya or Torat-ti’yaaha. Just you. Just Rose Tyler. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep you safe. I’m sorry that I broke my promise to your mother but more than that I’m sorry that you can’t trust me anymore.” He stood up from his place on the bed.
“I’m going to go and bunk with Jack. I’ll seal the door behind me. I can’t keep you safe, obviously, but the sealed lock will keep anyone else from bothering you.”
Rose couldn’t formulate a response until he got to the door. “So you’re just going to leave me alone to deal with all of this by myself, then?”
“You don’t feel safe with me anymore. You’ve made that clear,” he said. “Tomorrow when we get back to the TARDIS I’ll…I’ll take you home.”
Ch. 3: http://amberfocus.livejournal.com/242739.h
