Hope (1/3)

[amberfocus]

A/N:  Rose's feelings for the Tenth Doctor begin to solidify as she realizes he really is the same man he was before the regeneration. The Doctor has hope that she is finally accepting him as he is now. Next in the Moments in Darkness series of the Ten Branch line.  Set before, during, and after Tooth and Claw and recognizable dialog is from that episode.

                                                                      Chapter One:  Safe

Rose wakes up feeling warm and safe for the first time in what feels like months, but she knows it has only been a few short days since she felt this secure, even if it was in some ways also a lifetime ago. His lifetime ago. The Doctor is beside her in her bed. Sort of. Part of him is beside her but the rest of him is enfolding her body with his. He’s trapped one of her thighs between his, his top leg looping around hers to meet with the lower one. One of his arms is under her body meeting the other which is wrapped around her waist. His head is pillowed against her breast, his mouth very close to the flannel of her pajama top, his lips almost grazing her nipple. He’s snoring.

She hadn’t expected him to show up at all, hadn’t even been sure she’d wanted him to, but the feeling bubbling up inside her tells her that she did indeed want him to. The feeling of betrayal as that thought crosses her mind is so small she barely recognizes it for what it is, and this time she is able to push it away completely. She tells herself to let it go because he is the same man. If nothing else, his possessive holding of her body would convince her of it. She’s woken up this way too many times in the past, held exactly this same way for him to be any other man.

She wants to laugh and it surprises her. A day or two ago her first instinct would have been to push him off of her but right now she doesn’t want to. A slow warmth is infusing her body from where his exhalation of breath ghosts across her nipple. She feels a growing arousal for this man beside her but wishes it would go away. When it doesn’t, instead slowly building, her fingers rise to touch his hair, to stroke him softly. He purrs as she threads her fingers into the silky locks and he nuzzles against her chest. “Doctor?” she asks hoping he isn’t awake.

He makes no response and she realizes with relief he’s still deeply asleep. She strokes his hair more freely, marveling that she had at first resented his hair when it had meant never touching the soft, fuzzy, close-cropped hair of her first Doctor again. It’s beautiful, really and just as soft. Now she’s got her hands in it she’s already coming to appreciate it for the great hair that it is. As she continues to run her fingers through it she feels him hardening against her thigh in his sleep, something he had always done before when she rubbed his scalp. It has always been a major turn-on of his and it is yet another indicator to her that this man is her Doctor.

Reluctantly she pulls her hand away from his head before it wakes him. She’s curious about what he’s like now, what that hardness hints at, but is not quite in a position to tell if anything has changed in that regard. She blushes at the thought, because no matter how much she’s enjoying this closeness she’s not ready for sex. She’s afraid to have sex with him and she’s aware with newfound clarity why. It isn’t that she thinks he’s not the Doctor. She accepts that he is. It’s because there is a connection between them when they have sex that means she won’t be able to hide the baby from him. And she’s still too uncertain of their new relationship to tell him the truth on that score yet.

A few more days, that’s all she needs, just some time for her to cement this newfound acceptance, to come to terms with everything that has happened in the last five—has it only been five?—days. A few more days to come to terms with the fact that he never told her regeneration was something that could happen. They’d been so close and he’d never even thought about telling her something so important about himself. If he’d told her, prepared her for the possibility, she is sure it would have been easier. She’s almost there now. She can feel it.

Yes, just a few more days to grow used to the newness of him, to feel completely at ease again. Then she’ll tell him. She’ll tell him everything. She wishes she could do it now, but she’s not sure how he’ll take it. His old self wanted a baby with her, but would this new one? He had been devastated when he realized there couldn’t possibly be one. That was before the TARDIS had taken matters into her own hands.

Rose had figured that part out when she’d merged her consciousness with the ship’s and took the Vortex into her body. It was one of the many things the TARDIS had revealed to her in those moments, that when she changed Blon back into an egg to give her a chance to start over again, she also tampered with Rose’s DNA to make a child possible. That and the fact that the TARDIS had been protecting the baby during the symbiosis, keeping the power from destroying the fetus for as long as possible. Of course if the Doctor hadn’t taken the Vortex out of her, it would have killed both her and the baby. So his own sacrifice in regeneration had been not only to save his lover, but to save the unborn child he didn’t even know about. He has the right to know that. She just has to figure out how to tell him.

At least she knows the child within her womb is safe. The TARDIS had reassured her on that score back when the Doctor had been unconscious with regeneration sickness. If the ship hadn’t done she would have had to tell the Doctor right away to be sure. Sometimes she wishes the ship had been silent on that factor or had told the Doctor herself so that Rose won’t have to find the right moment to tell him, won’t have to wait until she grows fully comfortable with him again. She wants it out of her hands. She wants him to know. She wants the courage to tell him.

Rose sighs and her hand reaches for his hair again of its own volition before she catches herself and stops. Her bladder is starting to make itself known to her rather insistently. She tries to slide away from the Doctor but as she does his grip on her tightens. She is going to have to wake him.

“Doctor?” she says softly. He mumbles something and his mouth slips that little bit closer to her nipple, his exhalation making it harden. She says his name again and this time he whispers her name back to her, his lips just grazing the risen bud. His tongue snakes out of his mouth and laves across it and she gasps as it soaks the thin fabric covering her and shoots fire into her nerve endings. His eyes fly open and he’s flinging himself away from her so fast he falls out of bed and lands with a crash on his bum on the floor.

“Are you okay?” she asks but he’s gathering up his suit coat and shoes and socks and fleeing the room so rapidly she’s not even sure he heard her.

Rose drags herself to the bathroom, uses the toilet and then starts the water for a shower. As she cleans her body she realizes that her sexual response to this version of the Doctor might be different, but it’s just as strong. She’s pretty sure her body is going to be ready to shag him before her mind is. Well, actually, she’s pretty sure her body is ready to shag him now. She sighs and for once wishes she could just take her brain out of the equation entirely.




Somewhere fun, he thinks manically. He needs to take her somewhere fun. Somewhere where they can relax, forget about danger for a while, take a lovely break and laugh and be themselves. He focuses tightly on that idea so he doesn’t have to think about what his rather rebellious tongue has just done to Rose. He had promised her time and space and what does she wake up to? A needy Time Lord wrapped around her body with a hard on who was licking her breast. Even in sleep this body has an oral fixation.

He has to flood his system with hormone suppressing brain chemicals to get that erection under control. Rose has made it very clear that there will be no sex until she’s comfortable with his changes and even then, well…he doesn’t know how she’ll feel about it. He never should have gone into her bed like that. He just…he missed her so much and the door had been open and she’d curled herself into him and called him her Doctor and he’d thought maybe…

He’s loved her for a long time, but the intensity with which he feels it now astounds him. Everything is on such a heightened state of arousal. Tastes, scents, colors, everything. Not just Rose. But especially Rose. Will she be able to forgive him for his lapse or will she demand he take her home for failing to live up to his end of the bargain?

Maybe if he just ignores what he did she will, too and they can just pretend it never happened. "Please, please, please," he whispers. He can’t lose her now, he can’t, not when she’s just starting to trust him again. At least, if he hasn’t blown that trust with his actions this morning, she is. He needs to stop thinking about that. If he can’t stop thinking about that with his huge Time Lord brain to get lost in how does he expect Rose can with her less complex human brain. Seems like his ability to fixate on things may not just be on the oral level.

He picks up the mallet and slams it into the TARDIS console. His ship gives an indignant noise of protest and he apologizes soothingly. “What am I going to do?” he asks aloud. “I messed everything up with her. Again.”

The TARDIS sound system roars to life and starts playing music that makes him laugh. That’s it! A concert! Rose adores music and she loves watching it live. Perhaps a concert will keep her distracted enough that she’ll forget about what he did, or maybe forgive him for it if she has enough fun. “Where’s Rose?” he asks the TARDIS, who informs him she’s in the shower.

He scribbles a note on a piece of paper that tells Rose to dress for 1979 and leaves it taped to her knickers drawer. He beats a hasty retreat back to the console room and waits. She shows up several minutes later in a violet t-shirt and a dungaree dress. “What about this? Will it do?”

He turns and gives her the briefest of glances, his eyes most decidedly not looking at the long expanse of her legs on view. “For the late ‘70’s? You’d be better off in a bin bag. Hold on, listen to this.” From the corner of his eye he sees her cringe and hopes his propensity for insults is something he can keep control of this regeneration.

He turns the music up louder and rushes on. “Ian Drury and the Blockheads. Number one in 1979.” She follows him to the console but he continues to skip around it, afraid that if he settles he’ll have to look at her and see disappointment or anger or frustration flashing in her eyes.

“You’re a punk,” she says with great good humor and something within him relaxes. He leans over the console and adjusts a lever.

“It’s good to be a lunatic,” he sings.

“That’s what you are! A big old punk with a bit of…rockabilly thrown in.”

“Wanna go see him?”

“You mean a concert?” she asks in astonishment.

He finally meets her eyes. “What else is the TARDIS for? I can take you to the Battle of Trafalgar, the first anti-gravity Olympics, Caesar crossing the Rubicon…” He’s still circling the console and she’s still following him around it. “Or Ian Drury at the Top Rank, Sheffield, England, Earth, 21st November, 1979! What do you think?”

She smiles at him and his hearts skip a beat in his relief. She’s choosing to ignore what happened in the bed. “Sheffield it is.”

“All right.” And he sends them hurtling into the Vortex.

Ch. 2:  http://amberfocus.livejournal.com/168018.html 

Comments

[ramblinsuze.livejournal.com]

That first image of the Doctor all wrapped around Rose and snoring away is just too darn cute. I suspect Rose might have noticed this. ;)

They've got a whole lot of stuff to work out, especially Rose, but at least this is starting off well. I honestly can't imagine what it must be like to have your lover, the father of your baby, suddenly be a completely different person. Yes, the essentials are still there, but...very, very different. I'd be having a hard time with that, too.

I've always wondered why the Doctor never tells his companions about regeneration to prepare them for the possibility. The only thing I can come up with is that he's always a bit in denial. "Nope...won't happen to me!" And then it does. It's always been shocking for his companions, but for him to not tell Rose, who is obviously so much more, was kinda dumb on his part. But again, I think it goes back to the "it's not gonna happen" thing. For a genius, he can be quite dumb at times...

[zweee-liz.livejournal.com]

Yay! I'm always on the lookout for one of your fics and now I get one just before I go to sleep. Now Sexy Ten will be invading my dreams.
!!!!!
Yummy

[corusca.livejournal.com]

Hmmmm I foresee issues stemming from that whole nearly-eaten-by-a-werewolf-while-the-Doctor-chats-up-Queen-Victoria thing that Rose deals with...

You keep taunting us with the baby...you're sure he can't find out until after GitF?! *impatient for drama*

[yenly-gozal.livejournal.com]

Looks good so far. Well, not really good, but better than before. Although they still have a looong way to go... You said in the last review that they'll backtrack after this one and then it'll be hell. That would be the GtiF, I suppose :(

[soniced-up.livejournal.com]

And den all hell breaks loose and there's a werewolf and a telescope that's not a telescope and Time Lord and 'wee feral child' act like a couple of silly kids and there's lots of running and Queen Victoria is most decidedly NOT AMUSED.

*takes a deep breath*

And den they dun secks. :P

Okay, maybe not the last part yet but either way I love this start and I'm starting to feel my own hope that these two will make it back to each other. But of course that means you'll be throwing a wrench into the mix before we ever bet our happy ending. :D

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Oh, I suspect she just might have! *grins* Yes, it is very hard on her, but she wants to move past it, wants to get to the point where she's okay with everything that has happened. In many ways she feels betrayed that he didn't tell her it could happen. I think if he had done it would have been easier on her.

I think maybe because Nine had regenerated only a short time before he met Rose, or that's implied when he looks in the mirror and it seems to be for the first time at Rose's flat, that he thought he'd have years before he had to worry about it.

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Oh, thank you. I'm glad you enjoy my stories. *smiles*

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Yes, there may be some I was nearly eaten by a werewolf while pregnant with your child that I don't feel ready to tell you about yet because you just changed your face and body without telling me you could do that when you died, issues. Then again, she might be ready to shag him by the end of this fic only to get an all important phone call from a certain Mickey Smith. Hard to say.

By the way, I'm missing The Man Who Wasn't There something fierce. I know NaNo is cutting into fanfic writing time, but... *stomps foot impatiently* Wants more! You made me fall in love with that series, you know. *smiles*

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I'm going to try to put some extra fluffy fluff into this one to make up for the next two that will follow.

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

*giggles* Don't tempt me. If I have them have sex here, then the betrayal with Reinette may not be something Rose can come back from and then where would we be? Not in a happy place for the rest of this series.

I promise they will make it back to each other, but that won't really start until the one surrounding the events of Age of Steel/Rise of the Cybermen.

[millylicious.livejournal.com]

Oh, I love this! I've really been enjoying the ten installments or this series, can't wait to read more!

[othermewriter.livejournal.com]

I really love the way you describe him wrapped around her in his sleep. I feel so sorry for him in his panic about what he does while half awake.

[lostwolfchats.livejournal.com]

see - I know you are going to be mean before it gets better... *glares*

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much. It's been a very interesting series to write.

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

I really think he would be with the neediness he has for her. He is very upset that Rose will want to leave him for it, but Rose has pretty much decided that she liked it. And isn't going to be upset with him for something he did half awake. I doubt it's the first time it happened, just the first time with that body.

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

Well, not this story. This story is 90% fluffy, with only a light touch of angst, when she fears for the saftey of her baby, and a bit of anger at his leaving her to get eaten by a werewolf, that quickly fades. This is the story to hold onto to get to the other side of what comes next.

And also, takes one to know one! *smiles*

[maniacalshen.livejournal.com]

Baby steps! But a good start. The fact that she didn't maim him for sleep-molesting her, I mean. And the fact that she's aaalmost ready to tell him about the baby. Perhaps the chipper mood at the end of Tooth and Claw will help that a bit...

[ladychi.livejournal.com]

Okay, so you know how sometimes my reviews are effusive and fangirly and I trip all over myself to adore you? This is not that kind of review.

..Because I've fallen flat on my face in my rush to get over here and just absolutely melt. From the very beginning:

The Doctor is beside her in her bed. Sort of. Part of him is beside her but the rest of him is enfolding her body with his. He’s trapped one of her thighs between his, his top leg looping around hers to meet with the lower one. One of his arms is under her body meeting the other which is wrapped around her waist. His head is pillowed against her breast, his mouth very close to the flannel of her pajama top, his lips almost grazing her nipple. He’s snoring.

Um... Guh. I know he's just changed his face and he's really kept sort of super important information from Rose and she's not secure enough yet to tell him about the baby but... Holy cow. I'd have a hard time not just, you know. Having my way with him. Damn the consequences!

But then again, like you said in later responses, that would make Girl in the Fireplace extremely painful for Rose... and I can't believe you're making her go through that. For that one, I will have a box of tissues and reserve the right to call the Doctor all sorts of names. I can't wait to read your version of The Impossible Planet & The Satan Pit, though. Those are my absolute favorite episodes and I'm getting ahead of myself... back to the fic!

A few more days, that’s all she needs, just some time for her to cement this newfound acceptance, to come to terms with everything that has happened in the last five—has it only been five?—days.

Oh, Rose. The big sister in me wants to just give her a hug and say, "Sweetie, the problem with 'later' is that 'later' is never as convenient as you think it's going to be." I'm sure there will be consequences of Rose deciding to hold off on telling the Doctor. I don't suppose I could get an answer on whether or not he'll find out in this story? I want to brace myself for the impact.

He just…he missed her so much and the door had been open and she’d curled herself into him and called him her Doctor and he’d thought maybe…

That's it. That's so completely it. Everyone in this story is getting hugs. Even you! *Hugs* Poor Doctor. He messed up, yeah. But I don't think anyone ever forsees, you know... dying. Talk about complicated situations.

He’s loved her for a long time, but the intensity with which he feels it now astounds him. Everything is on such a heightened state of arousal. Tastes, scents, colors, everything. Not just Rose. But especially Rose. Will she be able to forgive him for his lapse or will she demand he take her home for failing to live up to his end of the bargain?

You know what the Doctor and Rose need? A little fangirl, sitting on the console, going, "It's going to be fine! There'll be some angst and probably some really scary moments, but there will always be really good sex after!"

...I would like to volunteer for this position. I'd be good at it. *nod nod*

Also, I love that observation: That the Doctor feels everything more intensely in this regeneration... especially Rose.

Fantastic job and I'm really looking forward to whatever you have to offer us next! You never disappoint.

[electrictoes.livejournal.com]

Oh, wonderful. I love this.

[azriona.livejournal.com]

He’s trapped one of her thighs between his, his top leg looping around hers to meet with the lower one.

Hope the wool in his trousers isn't scratchy.

He’s snoring.

He would so snore.

He makes no response and she realizes with relief he’s still deeply asleep. She strokes his hair more freely...

...making love to it with her fingers, unable to keep the moan from her lips and she throws her head back and...

*ahem*

Sorry 'bout that. Back to our regularly scheduled angst-a-thon.

She’s curious about what he’s like now, what that hardness hints at, but is not quite in a position to tell if anything has changed in that regard.

Au contraire, Rose. You're about five inches from that position, actually, which is a sight closer than you've been so far. Keep working that hair, baby.

Yes, just a few more days to grow used to the newness of him, to feel completely at ease again. Then she’ll tell him. She’ll tell him everything....That was before the TARDIS had taken matters into her own hands.

Hmm. The TARDIS knows she's pregnant, right? Since the TARDIS was sort of the cause of the whole baby thing. I wonder why the TARDIS is helping Rose keep this from the Doctor. And if the ship will end up taking matters into her own hands again. I think you said something about how the Doctor won't find out about the baby until after Reinette, right? Yeah, I can see a seriously indignant and pissy ship either letting it slip to the Doctor because she knows it will cause him WOE/ANGST/PAIN, or contrive with Rose to keep it from him just out of spite - because he abandoned not just Rose and Mickey, but his ship, too.

Perhaps a concert will keep her distracted enough that she’ll forget about what he did, or maybe forgive him for it if she has enough fun.

Ah, Ten. You're missing a golden opportunity here. The right concert won't just chase those nasty thoughts away, they'll bring up a whole bunch of much nicer nasty thoughts (of a very different variety).

[kneazle.livejournal.com]

If you don't mind me jumping in here...


What exactly did you think happened in GitF? Do you think it was really all that the audience sees in the episode, with her really coming onto the Doctor and kissing me and then only "dancing" and not the euphemism dancing?

Because I suppose the author's interpretation of what actually occurred -- or didn't -- could really change the dynamics of the story. I mean, it is still a betrayal no doubt, given what he promises and then goes off and does, but... if it really just was a snog he didn't participate in and there was really just him dancing at a party... it's not nearly as severe as some authors make it out to be with him and Reinette and sex.

(Not that I'm totally condoning it either, I know what it feels like to have someone make you a promise and then lie about or break it...)

[kneazle.livejournal.com]

*wibbles* He's sleeping! Actually sleeping!! How cute.

I think you've set everything up here for maximum angst and fluff and drama and romance without falling into the trap of having only one character being the real wounded party; in this case, both Rose and the Doctor are victims of their own decisions and the fact that they aren't saying what is exactly on their mind only causes more harm than good -- but hey, without communication, you don't have a dramatic story to work with!

I can't wait for more! This is definitely a cheery piece to read before the hellhole known as work.

[captain91.livejournal.com]

so cute in bed together! if only he'd told her about regeneration instead of being such a prat! ...but it think this is the calm before our very big storm

and i donlt suppose ten has grown extra nipples? *winces when ruth shouts* no? you sure? ok, ok! (just trying to sell the bunny. he wonlt leave me alone)

[amberfocus.livejournal.com]

You know, I don't really know. I'd like to think that he didn't, that he wouldn't have, but his utter despair at the end of that episode leaves so much open to interpretation. For me, the betrayal was in leaving Rose when he'd just promised he wouldn't do that to her. Plus, all that flirting and the fact that he responded to the kissing when he'd pretty much seemed to have just made some kind of commitment to Rose just felt very wrong. I think if he hadn't tried to go back for Reinette at the end I would have very different feelings about the episode than I do. It was that last bit, really, that twisted the knife for me.

For the purpose of my fic, which of course is AU despite following canon somewhat, it's what Rose thinks he did that matters, isn't it, less than what he actually did? And what he chooses to let her believe or not. And to a certain extent, what Mickey believes happened. Massive, massive miscommunications will be the order of the day before the truth comes out.

[kneazle.livejournal.com]

LOLZ I just realised I wrote "kissing me" when I was rereading that... man, am I tired. (Reminder: do not try to type intelligent sounding comments at 6am... just squee and properly gush and stroke the author's ego)

Although, if it were the Doctor/David Tennant kissing me, I'd so do the same as dear ol' Reinette...

I wonder though if it was just because she got into his head? The whole telepathy/telepathic race that the Time Lords were, that maybe he felt some sort of connection? I admit, I haven't watched Confidential on it yet (mainly I'm too scared to do so), but a part of me really thinks that it was just his quick connection to Reinette that he was mourning, how she became a "familiar" rather than just someone else to save.

Then again, he does have a bad habit of flirting and picking up 'strays': Jabe, Lynda, Reinette, the waitress at the Vitex event he was chatting up, etc... whereas with Rose it was either the Doctor, Mickey or Jack (well, and Adam, but we all know how that turned out and he wasn't much competition to begin with).