Sacrifice (4/6)
Aug. 4th, 2008 10:55 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
amberfocus
Chapter Four
“He’s a stupid man,” says Donna to the man she gave birth to after he explains everything to her that’s going on and that he’s a half human, life ticking away version of the man she’s been living with for nearly a year. She already knows, how can she not with her brain near to bursting with Time Lord knowledge? But he needs to say it and so she lets him prattle on.
“Oi! He’s me!” the Doctor says in protest at her insult.
Donna shrugs. “I know, but you got part of me, too and that makes you brilliant. Everybody says I’m brilliant, so by association you are, too.” He seems slightly mollified at that and Donna smiles that soft smile that’s been reserved only for her best friend for a while now.
This Doctor laughs for the first time since their adventure ended. “I’ll miss you, Earth girl.”
“I’ll miss you, space man,” she says. “I’d go with you, but you know he’s going to need me when she’s gone. And Rose is going to need you.”
“Yeah. We always need someone.” The man’s eyes don’t quite meet hers and she wonders what he’s hiding from her, but then the Doctor is always hiding something, always has been since she’s known him. It’s business as usual, she supposes.
“Don’t let anyone make you think you’re less than him. You’re not. You proved it today when you saved the world,” Donna tells him.
“I committed genocide,” he says darkly.
“And he hasn’t? Twice over? Three times if you count the Cybermen. Anyway, it was Daleks. What else were you supposed to do? Let them destroy reality? Every universe that exists? You made the right choice and maybe he’s too thick to see it, or admit it, but I’m not. We’re smarter than him. And I’m sharing your brain, so I can say that.” She smiles at him again, the wide one that has always been her way of telling him that she thinks he’s crazy but amazing and that she believes in him. She can see it when the knowledge washes over him, the knowledge of this belief.
He hugs her fiercely. “I’m going to miss you so much, Donna Noble.”
She nods against him. “You’re getting the better end of the deal, I think. You get Rose.”
“But I lose my Donna. Doctor/Donna friends. More than friends. Family in a way.”
“Don’t be getting all sentimental,” she says trying to be stern but failing miserably. And her arms hug him just as tightly. “It’s for the best.” Then she breaks. “You’re my best friend.”
“Mine, too,” he tells her. He pulls back and gives her his brilliant smile. “It’s been wonderful. And I’ll never forget you.”
“I’ll never forget you either,” she tells him and she wonders why he can no longer look at her.
“Doctor?” she asks.
“You were brilliant. You’ll always be brilliant. You’ll always find a way. I believe that about you, Donna. You will always find a way to be brilliant.”
“Of course, I will,” she says confidently. “I learned that from you.”
“No,” he shakes his head. “You’ve always had it in you and no matter what, you always will.”
And she believes him. He’s the Doctor and they’re part of each other now. How can she not believe him?
“How alike are you?” Jackie Tyler asks the man in blue when she manages to track him down in the conservatory. He is staring up at the stars as if he’s afraid he’ll never see them again, never travel in them again, and it’s highly probable he won’t what with what that idiot in the brown suit is planning, she realizes. Least not the same stars. They’re different in Pete’s World. She still doesn’t recognize the sky at night. How will he?
“I have all of his memories, all of his life experiences. I am him. I’m just…I’m me, too.”
“Do you love my daughter?” she asks him.
He turns to look at her. It’s not the first time she’s asked a Doctor this question. It’s the first time she gets a straight answer from him, though. “Yes. Very much so.”
“Are you capable of telling her that?” Jackie asks.
“I...” He trails off, swallows hard and meets her eyes. “I am.”
“Then tell me this, Doctor, will you fight for her?”
“Yes,” he says. “I will. In the only way I know how.”
“And what’ll that be, then?” she wants to know.
“I’ll say the words. Because he can hold her and he can show it in his eyes and in a hundred little ways, but he’ll never get those words past his lips. If he says them, it becomes real. And it can’t be allowed to be real if he’s sending her away. That’s how he is. How I was. But not how I’ll be. I’ll tell her.”
“And then what?” Jackie demands.
“Well, that’s up to Rose, isn’t it?” he answers.
“No, I mean, when it’s all sorted and he swans off and leaves the two of you behind, and we both know he will, then what? What kind of life are you going to offer my daughter?” Jackie asks.
“The best life. Oh, Jackie, I promise you I’ll find a way to make Rose happy. It’ll take time. I’m under no illusions that it’ll be easy. She might not see that I am him and I…sometimes I’m not so sure that I am, either.” He ran his hands through his hair. “But I’ll try. For Rose, I’ll do anything.”
“You are him, then. He’d do anything for her, too.”
“Not anything. He won’t say he loves her. He won’t keep her with him. He’s too damn stubborn,” the Doctor says.
“Then I guess it’s best all around for Rose if she ends up with you, isn’t it?” Jackie says.
He gives her a startled look. “With me?”
“With you. Seems to me you’re the better Doctor. You’re not a copy. You’re an upgrade.”
He smiles then, slowly, and it overtakes his entire face. “You never cease to amaze me, Jackie Tyler. Shouldn’t surprise me so much. You are Rose’s mum after all. You have such a way about you of making things feel like they’re going to be okay in the end.”
“They will be. As Pete would say, ‘trust me on this.’” Jackie smiles goofily at him and puts up her thumb like the rather stupid Vitex promotional campaign has her husband doing. Still. “I’ll talk to Rose. I’ll tell her--.”
“Don’t,” he says softly. “Jackie, please don’t. I want it to be her choice. I want her to make up her own mind. I don’t want to pressure her into choosing me.”
“All right,” says Jackie. “All right. If that’s how you want it. But I’m on your side, Doctor. And if you think you need help, let me know. Because I’ll do whatever I can to make sure my little girl is happy. And I think she’ll be happier with a man who not only adores her, but can tell her so.”
Jackie steps forward and hugs him then lays a swift kiss on his cheek. When she pulls back from him she looks him straight in the eyes and says, “No matter what happens we’ll be here for you. I’ll be here for you. You’re part of my family now. And you should know by now, I’ll do anything for my family.”
She steps back, expecting him to scrub at his cheek where she kissed him, but he doesn’t. Instead his eyes are suspiciously full of moisture and he answers softly. “Thank you.”
She stays with him a while but when she finally leaves him in search of her daughter she decides that she isn’t going to play fair. Maybe it is wrong of her to manipulate her own daughter, but she knows what will make Rose happy. She saw what not hearing an ‘I love you’ from the Doctor had done to Rose, how it had torn her up after the first good-bye. And if that is her fate again, then she will encourage Rose to accept the man who will say it and mean it and live it every single day at her daughter’s side.
“Rose, sweetheart, what’s wrong?” Her mum finds her crying with her head down on the kitchen table and moves immediately to comfort her.
She sits up and wipes the tears from her face almost angrily. “I’ve lost him, Mum. He’s right there, and I’ve lost him.”
Jackie sits down across from her daughter and takes her hands. “He’s not worth your tears, Rose.”
“But he is!” she insists.
“Let me finish, love. He’s not worth your tears when there’s another him just waiting for you to love him.”
“It’s not the same!”
“No, it’s not. But he is. He’s not a different version of the same man like Pete is. He is the same man up until just twenty hours ago. He remembers everything you ever shared, Rose. It wouldn’t be like starting over from scratch. He’ll have all the same memories of your time together as you do, Rose. And okay, you won’t have time travel and space travel anymore, but you’ll have him, Rose. And that’s who you’ve been missing all this time. Him. Not the adventure or the thrill. It’s the man you’ve missed. And you’d have him back.”
“But I want…” Rose trailed off.
“Do you even know what you want anymore, sweetheart?” Rose looks down at their joined hands, thinks of how just last night she held hands the same way with the newly created version of her Doctor. “He loves you.”
“The Doctor?”
“This new one. He loves you.”
“So does…” Rose trails off, uncertain. “How do I do this?” she asks brokenly.
“One step at a time, love. Have you spent any time with him?”
“I’ve spent time with both of them.”
“And is the new one all that different from the original?” Jackie asks.
Rose sighs. “I…they don’t seem different. He’s…maybe he’s needier. He looks at me and his eyes just…they hurt me. It’s like he thinks he’s not as good as the first Doctor. It’s like he thinks he doesn’t deserve happiness.”
“I’m not so sure your first Doctor thinks he deserves happiness,” Jackie mutters darkly. “And if he’s willing to leave you behind I may very well have to agree with him, Rose. He seems to want to give you to this new man, like you were a possession to be easily traded.”
“Mum! The Doctor’s not like that,” Rose insists. “This is killing him. I know it is. It has to be. It has to.” Rose isn’t even sure anymore. Her protests sound like desperation even to her own ears.
“I’m starting to wonder if you ever really knew him, Rose.”
“Of course I did! I do! Why are you doing this?” Rose asks.
“Sweetheart, I only want what’s best for you. And I think you’re too close to see it. You have a shot at something real, and it’s not going to come from that man in the brown suit. I’m sorry, love, but it’s just not. I nursed you through a broken heart before. I don’t want to do it again,” Jackie tells her.
“So this all about you? My shattered heart is inconvenient to you?” Rose snaps.
“I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that, because I know how upset you are. I love you, Rose. I’m only your mother and maybe my opinion doesn’t count for much anymore with you--.”
“Of course it does! Just…ease up, Mum. I can figure this out for myself.”
“Can you, Rose? Can you really?”
“I can. Just give me time.”
“That’s just it, sweetheart. Time’s running out. And you’ve got to be prepared for the decision that’s coming. Decide what you’re going to do and commit to that choice. And do it before he takes the choice away from you forever,” Jackie advises.
“I made my choice a long time ago,” Rose begins.
“I know you did. But you’ve grown up since then, Rose. And maybe it’s time you made a different choice. Because even though you chose never to leave him, he keeps sending you away. And I’ve got a feeling this new version of him will never do that to you. Maybe you’ve got to decide which one’s never going to leave you.”
Rose sighs and looks away from her mother. She pulls her hands away and puts them down into her lap.
The Doctor in the blue suit pops his head into the room. “Is there any tea on by chance?” he asks.
Rose rises automatically. “I’ll get you some.”
“I’ll leave you two to talk,” Jackie says standing up.
“Mum.”
“Just think about it, Rose.” And with that Jackie leaves the kitchen and leaves Rose staring thoughtfully at the new Doctor.
He sinks into the chair Jackie vacated and watches Rose as she goes about putting the kettle on for tea. Everything is exactly where it’s always been kept and her motions are seamless, as if she’s been doing this every day for the past two years and not been missing from both his life and his hearts, no heart, have to get used to that, all this time. He doesn’t like the solitary thumping beat, hated it at first when he realized what it meant. But one heart, just one heart, might give him a chance with Rose Tyler, if that one heart is filled with her.
“I missed you,” he says quietly and she freezes. “I missed you, Rose Tyler. So much.” She’s moving again, turning the heat on under the kettle, rummaging around on the shelves, finding the tea and pulling it down, finding two cups and two saucers and taking a deep breath that is noticeably visible to his watching eyes. She turns back to the table and sets the china down on it before meeting his eyes.
“I know,” she says. “You told me before you…divided.”
“Not divided, it was a--.”
“Whatever,” she says waving away his explanation before he can get started. “You’ve told me this already.”
“Still true, though. I missed you.”
Rose bites her lip and she’s blinking hard to keep back tears as she sits down across from him. “What do you want from me?” she asks him flat out. She is trembling and he aches to take her in his arms and comfort her, hold her, make love to her. Well, that’s new. Not the wanting to make love to her, he’s thought of it before, but it never…well, the reaction to thinking about it has never been this immediate before. Must be the human hormones crawling through his body. He’s ready right now.
He shifts a bit uncomfortably in his seat wishing his trousers were not quite so well tailored in this moment. “Doctor?”
“I told you last night, Rose. I want you.”
“Yeah, but…”
“It’s okay. You’re confused. It’s only natural. I’m confused. 904 years old and some would say I ought to have been confused long before this, but usually sharp as a tack and well, then again, I’ve only been here a day, maybe my brain’s just not fully formed yet and I--.” He’s babbling and Rose cuts him off.
“Doctor?”
“Yes, Rose?”
“I know what I want.”
“You do?” he asks.
“Yes. I’ve always known. I just…don’t know which one of you I want it with,” she explains.
“It’s not a decision I can make for you. He’ll try, but don’t let him. It has to be your choice, love. It has to be.” She startles when he calls her love and he wonders if he’s pushed too far, but she settles and then jumps again as the teakettle whistles. She busies herself making tea and a few short minutes later they are both drinking the beverage and eyeing each other warily, still unsure what is between them.
“Why is it so important for you that I decide?” she asks him finally. “He never took that into consideration when he chose to send me away.”
“He’s sending me away, Rose. Shoe’s on the other foot now and I don’t like the way it fits. I was high-handed in the past, thought I knew everything, except how much you loved me. Him. No, me, damn it. I’m him. He’s me. We are the same man!” He is frustrated trying to sort things out in his own mind.
Her hand covers his and he stills and meets her eyes. “What you must be going through,” she says softly. “I’m so sorry. Here I am whinging about how all this affects me and I never stopped to think…it’s so much worse for you. You’ll lose the TARDIS, you’ll lose your universe and you’ve already lost so much…”
“I can handle it, Rose. I can…if…if you’re with me,” he says and that single human heart is pounding so fast and so furiously in his ears that he’s afraid he won’t hear what she has to say in response.
“I…I don’t know,” she tells him. “I don’t know.” She shakes her head miserably and a tear rolls down her face. He wipes it away with his thumb and then cradles her face in his hand. She leans into his touch as if she can’t help herself, and maybe she can’t.
“There’s very little time left, Rose,” he tells her.
“I know,” she says in frustration. “Biggest decision in my life and I’m with two Time Lords and there’s still not enough bloody time!”
“I’m sorry,” he says softly. “I’m so, so sorry.”
“Not your fault. None of this is your fault,” she informs him.
“Feels like it.”
“That’s just your guilt complex,” she says with a slight twitch at the edge of her lips. “Feel free to ignore it. I always have. Anyway, I don’t think I could handle it if you both went emo on me at once.”
“I just want to be happy,” he tells her truthfully.
She sighs. “So do I.”
“I could be the one to make you happy,” he says on a rush. “If you’ll let me.” She looks at him, pulls her hand away, sips her tea.
“Maybe,” she says as she looks steadily into his eyes. “Maybe you could.”
“Rose?” Their tender tableau is broken by the voice of Mickey from the hallway. The younger man appears in the doorway of the kitchen. “Rose, there you are. We’re going to be landing in a half an hour and I need to talk to you before we do.”
The Doctor sighs. Mickey Smith has never had the best timing.
Ch. 5: http://amberfocus.livejournal.com/113527.html
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Date: 2008-08-04 06:43 pm (UTC)Awww!!! Just thanks to that line, I think I love you even more.
Ten II SO needs a few fangirls! LOL!
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Date: 2008-08-04 06:52 pm (UTC)And then you give me more Jackie and Doctor. And she tells him he's an upgrade! I'm finding it difficult to argue with that at the moment. It's like your personal mission today is to make me cry. But that's okay - I love your writing because it is so emotion-inducing.
The moments between Blue and Rose were very insightful as well. I love my Brown - stubborn and self-righteous as he is - but this more human Doctor is going to be so much better for Rose in the ways that Brown would just never let himself be. Stupid git, Brown. I'm very interested to see what Mickey has to say to Rose.
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Date: 2008-08-04 06:53 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-04 06:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-04 07:18 pm (UTC)The conversation with Donna hurt. Oh, I want her to have a happy ending!
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Date: 2008-08-04 08:10 pm (UTC)Seriously, fantastic emotions here. Im away for a hankie!
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Date: 2008-08-04 09:34 pm (UTC)"Seems to me you’re the better Doctor. You’re not a copy. You’re an upgrade.”
Thank you, thank you thank you!! Because as much as I love Ten, I'm starting to love Ten2 just a little bit more. Something about JE didn't sit well with me, I don't know if it was how DT played Ten, if it was the writing or what. The whole reunion of Ten and Rose (except for the anticipation during the 40-mile sprint before Ten got zapped) felt a little off to me and their actions throughout the episode seemed more friend than lover. On the other hand, the little glances and interactions between Rose and Ten2 seemed much more believable. And the whole "oh hey, my duplicate is broken, not to mention a genocidal maniac, but you're good at that kind of stuff, Rose, so I'll just leave him here and you can fix him." bit? Uh, pot, kettle? I think Ten is the one that's broken and will stay that way, because let's face it, he's not human and is never going to be able to respond to Rose in a human way, as much as we'd all love him to. And now I'm going to stop psychoanalyzing fictional characters, because that's just pathetic.
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Date: 2008-08-04 10:00 pm (UTC)I have decided that your Needy!Blue is so,so gorgeous, - and so,so mine!(hands off ladies, I've claimed him for my own nefarious and imaginative purposes...)
Oh, I cried at the conversation with Donna, knowing just what is in store for her.
Jackie is made of awesome - and 'just upgraded' - perfect, just perfect!
Come on Rose, do the sensible thing - at least Blue can feel free enough to love you, unlike Brown. And he clearly wants you...
Mickey, Mickey, Mickey - your timing is lousy - as usual lol
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Date: 2008-08-04 10:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-04 11:24 pm (UTC)Yes, II is better than I because I doesn't think he deserves to be happy. It certainly couldn't be that I is more damaged than II, that I needs Rose as well. I don't much like Jackie's tactics in this chapter, even if I understand their motive.
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Date: 2008-08-05 12:15 am (UTC)Oh, brava, Jackie. That's the cleverest thing you've ever said!
Love your emotional, vulnerable Blue!Doctor. I love that he's daring to make his case, trying to persuade Rose to stay with him.
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Date: 2008-08-05 12:30 am (UTC)I'm really liking your characterization of Blue!Ten. That little bit of human in him that is allowing him to not just want, but go after, makes all the difference. As much as I love Brown!Ten, he'll just never allow himself to be truly happy...to do what he wants. He feels too much responsibility to the universe. Kinda reminds me of Batman or Superman or Spiderman or other superheroes like that, who resist their chances at personal happiness because the weight of the world/universe sits squarely on their big ol' muscley shoulders. So, they're stuck being mopey and miserable, but the world stays saved. Is it worth it? Hard to say...
This story is definitely making me feel better about how things ended. It fills in all those big old gaps that RTD left in the episode (we couldn't have another 15-20 minutes, Rusty??? Darn.). So, thank you!
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Date: 2008-08-05 01:29 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-05 01:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-05 02:14 am (UTC)I agree with the general consensus that you write Ten II beautifully: sensitive, caring, loving, and able to express these feelings!
Thank you for continuing to fill in all those holes left in Journey's End ... canon!!
*Hugs*
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Date: 2008-08-05 02:15 am (UTC)*Hugs ... and TARDIS cookies!*
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Date: 2008-08-05 02:39 am (UTC)This fic is lovely and I really love your Jackie. Always the voice of reason in her very unique way. Thank you.
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Date: 2008-08-05 07:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 05:27 am (UTC)Now i definately rooting for doctor in blue suit. I feel so sorry for him just being human and all those things he has to get use to and only beign half time lord.
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Date: 2008-08-06 10:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 10:14 am (UTC)Not trying to make you cry, not really. Just trying to make me feel better about this whole JE thing. I love Ten and always will, but Ten2 is digging out quite a nice place for himself in my heart, too.
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Date: 2008-08-06 10:15 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2008-08-06 10:24 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 10:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 10:28 am (UTC)And of course Ten is more damaged than Ten2, but Jackie really only ever sees the damage done to Rose.
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Date: 2008-08-06 10:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 10:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 10:33 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2008-08-06 10:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-06 12:50 pm (UTC)I'd say I agree.
Ten2 is digging out quite a nice place for himself in my heart, too.
And in mine, too! :)
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Date: 2008-08-07 01:23 am (UTC)Jackie Tyler FTW!
This story yanks at the heartstrings...but it explains so much! Adding it to my personal canon...or did I already say that?
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Date: 2008-08-08 04:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-09 05:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-12 10:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-08-12 10:44 am (UTC)