amberfocus (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
amberfocus) wrote2008-06-08 09:20 am
amberfocus) wrote2008-06-08 09:20 am
Entry tags:
You're What?: Chapter Thirteen
Chapter 12: . http://amberfocus.livejournal.com/79124.h
Conviction
“Take me to him,” Rose demanded.
“Rose, you should be in bed right now,” Jack said worriedly.
“I don’t care. He walked out in the middle of a conversation and it’s a conversation that needs to be finished. Now take me to him,” she ordered.
With a sigh of frustration Jack dumped her on the infirmary’s exam bed. “I’ll go and get him and drag him back here. You stay in that bed.” Rose opened her mouth to protest. “I mean it. Think about your baby.”
“Fine,” Rose snapped giving in with very bad grace. “Just get him back here. I can’t let him keep thinking what he’s thinking.”
“No,” said Jack. “You can’t.”
“You heard?”
“I heard. May take me a while to find him if he doesn’t want to be found. Do you need anything before I go look for him?” he asked.
“Actually, a trip to the loo. This is the second bag of fluid he’s dripping into me.” Jack picked her up again, had her grab the IV pole and carried her into the bathroom just off the infirmary, setting her down by the toilet and exiting the room to wait for her call. She wasn’t exactly stable, but she managed not to fall down again and make it to the sink to wash her hands under her own power. When she was done he toted her back to bed.
“Now stay put,” Jack told her. “I’ll drag him back here kicking and screaming if I have to.”
“You might want to stop off and get the TARDIS mallet,” Rose advised.
“Oh, I can make him come all on my own.”
“I meant for me to use,” she said with a slight twitch of her lips.
“Glad to see you haven’t completely lost your sense of humor,” Jack said.
“Not completely,” Rose agreed. “Go find him. The two of us have more than a few things to set straight.”
It took Jack some time to find the Doctor. It was quite obvious that the Doctor didn’t want to be found for he was in none of his usual haunts. Not under the console doing repairs, not in the library, not in central ventilation, and not in the little garden where he grew odd and unusual plants. Finally Jack decided to ask the TARDIS. The Doctor was always going on about her being a living creature. Maybe she’d help him.
He ran his hand along the wall. “Hello, TARDIS,” he said feeling utterly ridiculous. “I don’t know if you can hear me or not. I’ve got a bit of psychic training, but I’m no telepath. Still…the Doctor says you’re sentient and aware of what’s going on around you. So you have to be aware of what a mess he’s made with young Rose.”
The lights flickered around him then returned to normal. “So you can hear me. Good. Look, I think Rose is going to put her health in danger if he doesn’t get back in there and talk to her. I told her I’d find him, but he seems to have disappeared. Can you help me?”
The lights fluttered again and then one ahead of him lit up while the rest darkened. As he approached the lit light it blinked off and one further up the corridor lit. “I’m to follow the lights?” he asked. They all flickered and then all but one dimmed again. “Thank you,” he said and followed the path the TARDIS led him on until he entered a room that appeared to be floating in space. The Doctor sat hunched in the middle of the glass floor, his leather jacket in a heap beside him.
“It’s beautiful in here,” Jack said. “I didn’t know this place existed.” There was no response. “Doctor?” asked Jack.
“Go away, Jack,” the Doctor said bitterly.
“No. You need to go back to Rose.”
“Rose doesn’t want me. She doesn’t need someone like me in her life.”
“She does need you. She asked me to come find you, to bring you back to her,” Jack said. “She’s really upset that you dropped that bomb on her and then walked out.”
“You heard?”
“Didn’t mean to,” Jack said sheepishly. "I’ve just been so worried.”
“About Rose.” The Doctor’s voice was resentful.
“About the both of you!” snapped Jack. “But most of all about that baby! The two of you, you created this precious, beautiful thing between you and not once have you stopped to think about the good things this child can bring into your life! The only thing you can think about is the negative.”
“Of course that’s what I think about! My family died because of me!” the Doctor cried out.
“No,” said Jack. “No. No one thinks that, but you. The way you told it, no, Doctor. Your daughter is responsible for every death that happened that day. Not you.”
“But my daughter was the way she was because of me,” he said. “Because I didn’t take the time to spend with her, to guide her, to make sure she grew up to be a good person. She turned out wrong because of me, and they all died because of that. It’s all my fault!”
“No, it’s not,” Jack insisted. “There was something wrong in your daughter, but you were not responsible for it. Sometimes people are just…off. They have all the opportunities that everyone else has, sometimes more, and things just…aren’t right in their heads. Sometimes they turn out okay and sometimes they just snap.”
“But if I had loved her properly she wouldn’t have snapped!”
“She made her own choices, Doctor. She was an adult. She’d moved long past the impressionable child stage. What she did was awful and horrible, but it was Suriahnel that did it. It wasn’t you. And you have to stop blaming yourself for it before you lose your chance to make everything right with Rose and your son.” Jack knelt down next to the Doctor and put his arm around the Time Lord’s shoulders.
“I can’t lose another family!” the Doctor burst out. “Not…not again. Not my Rose. Not any child I’ve made with her. I couldn’t bear it, Jack. I couldn’t bear it!”
“Then why,” Jack asked, “are you still pushing her away? Because that’s the surest way you have of losing her forever. Talk to her.”
The Doctor was silent for a long moment before suddenly scrambling to his feet and quickly leaving the room. Jack sighed and stood up hoping that he’d finally gotten through to the stubborn git. He picked up the jacket that the Doctor had left behind, then rifled thoughtfully through the inside pocket. With a grin he pulled out the sonic screwdriver and then headed off to the infirmary.
He arrived only a moment after the Doctor did. The Doctor was standing there staring at Rose, but not speaking. Jack flicked the screwdriver to the proper setting and then snaked his hand out and pulled the door shut. With a quick zap he locked the stubborn pair inside the infirmary. This time the Doctor would not be able to run away from Rose Tyler.
“Jack, that’s not funny,” the Doctor called through the door, rattling the knob.
“I wasn’t going for humor, Doc. The two of you need to talk this thing out. And I’m not letting you out until you do, so you best get on with it,” Jack called back.
“Well, least now you can’t run away from me,” Rose said. She crossed her arms and glared at him.
“I wasn’t running--.”
“You were to. And you know it. What I want to know is how you can possibly think I was judging you for what happened with your children?” she demanded.
“I saw the look on your face, Rose. You were horrified,” he said flatly.
“Of course I was,” she admitted.
“See.”
“But not by you.”
“What?” he asked.
“Not by you. I’m horrified that you think it’s your fault. I’m horrified that your daughter had you so twisted up that you still think what she did was your fault. She had control over her actions. She chose to do what she did. She wasn’t a good person,” Rose said. “And that comes down to her. Not you.”
“She had a rough life--.”
“Did she have food to eat? A roof over her head? An education? Did she ever have to worry about the heat being turned off in January because there wasn’t enough income that month to pay all the bills and it was either eat or stay warm? Did she have to wear shoes she’d outgrown or clothes that didn’t fit right because that’s all that was in the charity box that month?”
“No.”
“Did anyone ever do her physical harm? Did she ever feel her safety was threatened on a daily basis as a child just because of where she lived?” Rose asked.
“No.”
“Then she didn’t have a rough life.”
“She grew up without her father--.”
“No, she didn’t! You were there, she could see you if she wanted to. If she needed you, you were there. It wasn’t like you were dead. She chose to have as much or as little contact with you just as much as you did. No one kept her away. You didn’t tell her she couldn’t come, did you?” Rose demanded.
“No.”
“You can have everything taken away from you growing up and still turn out to be a good person, still be someone who makes a stand, does what’s right, finds a better way of living. Or you can grow up with all the creature comforts and turn into a miserable little princess with entitlement issues. But it’s always a choice we make. To be good or to be evil, it’s always a choice.”
She met his eyes again. “You chose to do good with your life, despite what happened. You took your granddaughter away from a society that allowed evil to happen and you made sure she was safe. You protected your family the best way you could. I will never judge you for that,” she said fiercely.
Rose brushed angrily at the loose strands of hair in her face, wishing she had something to tie it back with. It was getting ridiculously long. She brought her mind sharply back on topic. “Come here.”
“Why?”
Rose blew out a lungful of air and tried to keep her patience. “Sit down,” she said. She pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes at him until he collapsed in the chair beside her bed. “Now look at me,” she said in a gentler voice.
He raised his eyes to hers and was shocked at the depth of emotion he saw in them. He wouldn’t have been able to put a name on what emotion it was if you asked him, but he knew that Rose was laying herself open to him completely in that look. He blinked and it was gone, replaced with one he recognized far more clearly, Rose’s stubborn, determined expression.
“Do we have any chance of working out this thing between us?” Rose asked him. “Because honestly, Doctor, I don’t think I have the strength to try if there’s nothing left to salvage.”
“Are you going to be able to forgive me?” he countered.
“I think when it comes down to it, Doctor it isn’t going to be a question of whether or not I can forgive you. I think it’s going to be a question of whether or not you can forgive yourself,” Rose said. She looked at him earnestly. “Charlie needs a father. A real father. A man who’s going to be there for him in the present, not living in a past he cannot change.”
Rose’s stomach jumped visibly and she let out a little “oof” sound. She reached out for the Doctor’s hand and settled it over the baby bump. “He’s kicking,” she told him. The look on his face as he felt the baby move almost hurt her. The best word she could use to describe it was that he hungered for this contact. “Are you going to be here for him, Doctor? Are you going to be here for me?”
Steely blue eyes met warm amber brown ones. “I want to try.” As his mind made contact with the tiny one growing inside of Rose, he knew he had no choice. Until now he had fought it every step of the way, but in this moment he knew and finally accepted it.
He was going to be a father again and it scared him to death. Not because of the responsibility or the domesticity of it all. Not even because of ancient guilt. No, because in all of time and in all of space, there would be nothing in the universe that could bring him to his knees like Rose and this baby. And there would be nothing that could destroy him more thoroughly than losing them both. And there would be nothing that could bring him greater joy. It was that last thing that frightened him the most.
Chapter 14: http://amberfocus.livejournal.com/83901.html
Chapter 14: http://amberfocus.livejournal.com/83901.html
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