My Dad is Dying

[amberfocus]

They are saying he probably won't survive the month. They have him on morphine to ease his way. This is such a hard thing to face. I mean, I've said my good-byes, and his mind has been gone for years, and I'd pretty much made my peace with it over this last month. When someone has Alzheimer's for so long, you come to accept it long before the time comes. But then you are confronted with the mortaility of it all and it makes your heart ache and the tears come. My dad and I had a rocky relationship. He had a mean streak that often broke my heart. But he was my dad and I do have some good memories of him, too. He was a good grandfather to my children.

And I love him, despite everything. He always made sure we had a roof over our heads, food to eat, and clothes to wear. Most of the time, I think he did the best he could considering the circumstances he came from, and I have forgiven him for the bad stuff. I know that he'll be in heaven and he'll be able to see again and to hear again and to walk again. He won't have MS and he'll have his brilliant mind back. He'll be a storyteller again.

I know that this is the best thing for everyone. For him, for my mother, for us girls. We have been ready for a long time. But that doesn't stop it from hurting. I am surprised at just how much it does. I've lost so many people. All of my grandparents. Friends. But it's just never cut like this cuts.